|June 22, 2002 -- I feel like writing a poem but I feel inferior so I probably won't. I also feel like writing a song or continuing a song I started writing a few months ago, but it doesn't mean anything to me now. I need a keyboard or some kind of treble instrument to help me because it is really hard to write a song with just a bass.
A few nights ago I started using ICQ again and I haven't used that in many months. I think since last year. Of course, it still doesn't work and kicks me off in the middle of conversations. I want friendship so badly. Of course, the one person I should call is the one I can't, Esteban. It's hard to explain why I don't call him but I think I am starting to figure it out. It has more to do with me than with him.
I started writing a poem about understated people. Not specific people, just what it is like when you are understated. Something like that. Anyway, my desire for friendship is making me think about certain aspects of my personality. Sometimes I tend to say very little and when I do speak it is quite dry. I've always preferred a dry sense of humor but a lot of people don't get it. I'm not a good conversationalist. I remember once my brother and my father tried to teach me how to engage in small talk.
People don't understand that I truly am interested and I desperately want someone to be interested in me. They don't understand because I don't convey the feeling very well. I don't really know how to make myself stand out. I tried a singing experiment when I was all alone a few days ago. I tried to sing without tightening my voice to keep the volume low. I couldn't do it! I tried and I tried and I was almost to the point of tears but I could not do it. Why can't I be louder and clearer? That doesn't just apply to music, it applies to my life in general.
Sometimes when I do speak nobody hears me because I use such a low tone of voice. I feel insignificant. It is almost as if I don't deserve to be more of a participant. As if whatever I have to say isn't important enough to risk it. And I am always listening out for smarter people. I don't want to say something and then someone smarter say it better or correct me. I'd much rather listen before I speak and let someone else say it.
I remember one time my friend Carmencita (who has no problem being the center of attention) really wanted to go to this bowling party but her mother wouldn't let her go alone. I refused to go. She begged me and pleaded with me but I refused because I didn't want to sit in the corner all night. I didn't want to be ignored. She told me it wouldn't happen but I knew it would. I'd rather be alone by myself than in a room full of people. Now that I'm older, I probably would go just to make her feel better. I don't want to disappoint or be selfish.
I like going to packed theaters by myself or maybe with my family. I don't like empty theaters, and I am always left out if I am part of a large group of friends.
I just linger on the edges. That sums it up.
|July 13, 2002 -- Sometimes when I read my thoughts they seem contradictory yet make perfect sense to me. I was just thinking that sometimes one can get tired of always explaining what they mean. I'm afraid that a lot times I am unintentionally cryptic. Couple that with the fact that I don't like repeating myself and I can come across as uncommunicative.
And now for something completely different, I have been thinking about travel a lot. I was making a list of the top ten places I would like to visit while single and right now I have seven on the list. My ultimate goal is to have five international and five domestic. As is typical when I do such things, I feel obligated to make a list of three pros and cons for each place. I love lists. The number one place that I have always wanted to visit is Ireland. The other six places are Melbourne, Australia; Glasgow, Scotland; Hong Kong; New York City; Los Angeles and Montreal and those are in no particular order. As you can see, I only have two domestic places so far and they are pretty obvious.
With Ireland it is hard to pinpoint a particular city because it is the country itself that I love. It is very hard for me to explain my love for Ireland but I have felt it for a very long time. I love the culture, I love Gaelic, I love the people. Or perhaps it is just a fantasy as I haven't had much direct exposure to anything Irish. I wonder if I just chose Ireland because everyone has to have a favorite something. Or maybe not. Maybe I just really have a special place in my heart for all things Eire.
I live two hours away from New York City, less with a fast driver. Yet I haven't set foot in that city other than to visit Bethel, which always felt like a different place entirely. I live in my own major city which is always in a losing competition with NYC and I guess I never ventured that way. But I'd like to.
I've been listening to a lot of Jim Croce lately and once again it has made me feel like being creative because he was such a great songwriter. Of course, I feel creative but have yet to demonstrate any actual creativity. I am really trying to write a song but I forget all of the great ones in my head too soon. I would like to be more creative with my bass but I don't really know how to play it yet. And I STILL can't dance. I can really hum though.
I'm starting to feel dusty.