|Diary Page Fifteen|
|September 1, 2002 - I guess I am depressed but there is nothing that can be done about it. I am not completely non-functioning. I still go to work. I go to meetings once in a blue moon. But my only desire is to get out of here. I want to travel somewhere. I am just tired of my life, so I want to change it completely. But I have too many responsibilities to take care of so I can't go anywhere. I have a responsibility to Jehovah to stay put and try to be a good servant. A responsibility to my family to pay their bills and keep them fed. A responsibility to my job to provide someone who can do the work. So I can't go anywhere. I want to be free. But everytime I feel free I am letting someone down. When I was going out in the ministry and attending my meetings then I wasn't working. So even though I was happier and had the freedom to travel, my family was suffering because of it. Why can't they pay their own bills? I'll never be able to move out because they wouldn't be able to survive. I'm just sick of all of this. It isn't just the money or anything, I just don't think I am living at all. I guess this is what life is supposed to be like. You go to work and that is all. I missed out on the making the long-lasting friendships or love or travelling the world or any of those things people my age are supposed to do. I'm too ugly and being mentally ill doesn't help. So I guess now that I have found a job that I can do every day then my only other task is just to go to all of my meetings and the ministry and then life will be complete. That should be enough.
I think it is my mental illness that is caging me. But that isn't going anywhere. I take my medication and this is as good as life gets. I can't travel or move or fall in love until I am completely cured. Since that will not happen in this system of things, I am stuck. No one will ever love me. I'll never be able to hold down a good job and make enough money to travel. I can't move because I am afraid I'd be too unstable. So I must stay here in a house with at least two other mentally ill people. And when they are down then I must be up, or I feel incredibly guilty. I don't want to be responsible for anybody else's unhappiness but I can't help it. I just feel so guilty and somehow I have to make up for being the person that I am.
I still have yet to accomplish anything at all worthwhile. After 21 years you think I would have done something, but all of the opportunities have passed me by. My bed is made, time to lie. At one time this would have made me feel suicidal because my life is essentially over. There isn't more to life than what I have now. But I don't feel suicidal because at least I have something. I do have some kind of life. And I don't want to lose it. I wish I had a kitten to take care of.
It is clear to me now that the creative bug will never bite me. I won't ever be thin. I will always be generally lazy. My family will never be financially secure. I'll never be athletic. I'll never get married unless I pay someone, and I'll never have enough money for that. I'll never have good taste or much of a fashion sense. I'll never be as intelligent as people think I am. I'll never be able to sing or dance well. I'll never really know French as well as I need to know it. I'll never make anyone happy.
Well I'm not sure about that last one. I love customer service because I feel like I have the power to make someone happy. It is the only way I'll ever be able to do it. It makes me feel so good when I can solve a problem for someone. I love it when people are happy. I don't love it so much when I am not the one making them happy, because that is the only way I have any positive social interaction. No one ever tries to make me happy. Why is that? If I had a best friend then that person would love me for me and we could be happy together. Not all the time of course, but sometimes. Family loves you because they are obligated. Few of my friends ever really loved me as much as I thought they did. But if I had a best friend, then we would love each other.
I am glad that some of my old friends have moved on and they are having good, fulfilling lives. Some of them aren't but I don't know what to do to change it. I don't feel like I have anything to offer. So perhaps I am not deserving of a best friend. I guess I'm not really a lovable person.
I'm too tired.
|September 15, 2002 - Well last night my uncle killed himself and right now I am really confused. I really loved him and I did not spend as much time with him as I wanted to and should have. A strong part of me feels like I will see him again and maybe that's why I have only cried once so far, I don't know. He had really turned his life around and he was a newlywed with a family. My uncle was always kind of quiet and I don't think I knew him that well, even though he has always been in my life.
The fact that he killed himself is really weighing heavily on my mind. This is my second uncle to commit suicide and this time it is a family member who I didn't even know was depressed. Mental illness feels like a curse. Some families have to deal with inherited cancer risk, or addiction, and some have the mental illness issue. None is really any better than another but I am tired of mental illness not being talked about. Maybe if he could have talked about it this wouldn't have happened. I don't know. I talk about it a lot and I tried to kill myself once. So there ya go.
All of this is just too heavy and confusing. My brother finds out he is bipolar and he is about to step down as a ministerial servant. My mother has been in and out of mental hospitals my entire life and I am just now coming to terms with that. My father is depressed and stressed out. I have depressed cousins who have been in mental hospitals. Two uncles who killed themselves and left their families behind. I am kind of rambling right now but the main thing on my mind is my aunt who is now a widow. My heart breaks for her.