|Diary Page Nineteen|
|January 24, 2003 - Today is one of those in-between days. I don't feel bad but I don't feel good either. I do feel like I have a good amount of energy and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to go out and I don't feel like reading anything. But I am tired of watching television. It is really cold and grey right now. I have a strong feeling that I am wasting my time.
I would like some kind of human company I'm sure. But not on the phone or in person. Well maybe on the phone if it is the right person. But I don't know how many options I have in that regard. I would really like to email someone or chat online. But I don't have any friends online. It has been a long time since I just had a chit-chat with a friend. One of those long conversations where you cover every topic in the universe. Because I have a lot of thoughts right now and I have the energy for it.
For a while I've just been watching the minutes go by. Every day I watch the world pass me by. I was watching a tennis tournament and sometimes they would give the ages of the competitors. So many of them are younger than me or the same age. It makes me sad to know that they have all this energy and drive and I don't have it. I've never had it. Or sometimes I think of the other young people in my congregation and other young Witnesses I know. Their lives are so full. And I am just wasting time and wasting away. If I disappeared completely it wouldn't change anything except for my family. And I'm not contributing much there either.
I just wish I could be like other people. There are certain parts of me that are different and I accept that. I value my personality and I don't think there is anything wrong with it. But these mental and emotional problems that make me different, these frustrate me. Every weekend it seems like the young people in my congregation are always taking a full part in the ministry and having fun out there. I live vicariously through my brother and that's how I know these things. Anyway, they have a full day in the ministry and then they go to the movies or out to eat. Or maybe they spend the weekend in New York at Bethel, since that's only two hours away. My brother is always studying and going out. And I don't do anything. No one knows how much I want to and I do try. I don't think it is abnormal to want these things, I think anyone else in my situation would want the same thing.
It's funny, but this is like a vicious cycle. My isolation and my problems make me feel so different and like I am not a part of anything. But when the opportunity arises for me to take part, even if it is in a small way, I feel so separate and uncomfortable that I don't take part. And then I feel lonely. For example, sometimes I go to this website where other Witnesses gather and talk about a lot of things. They're always having fun and supporting one another. I used to take part in it regularly but I haven't in over a year. I don't because I don't feel like I am a part of anything there. I really don't know what I could add, everyone seems to be doing just fine without my presence. That's how I feel about a lot of things. Everything is going on just fine without me and everyone is having fun and getting along without me. So why should I come along and spoil it? Who wants the moody girl with all the issues?
I wonder how to break out of this way of thinking. I really do believe that no one needs me around outside of my family. Some people like me and they are concerned about me but I am the kind of person who needs to be needed. I need to feel like I am contributing in a meaningful way. Like there are people who truly wish I was around, not just for my sake, but for their own. In my congregation everyone wants me to come back and get out of the house. But I don't think it is because they need me, it is because I need to. And that is perfectly legitimate and hopefully I can get out soon. But it will just be the same old thing. No friends, little fun.
January 26, 2003 - I talk to myself a lot. Sometimes it is the only way I can express the ideas and thoughts that I have since I am alone a lot. Usually I am having an imaginary conversation because it is no fun for me to direct my thoughts towards myself. Anyway, I have some of the best ideas and realizations in these imaginary conversations and I wish I taped myself, because I never remember these things later. Last night I imagined that I was explaining how money isn't evil but the love of money is bad. This led to discussing wealthy men who were faithful and I started talking about Job. Well that got me to talking about Satan and how he was challenging Jehovah. This inspired a thorough lecture on what happened in Eden. When I am talking to myself, particularly about Bible topics, I tend to drift all over the place, because one idea leads to another. But as you can see, I can generally remember how I got from one place to another. Last night I gave a great witness but no one was around to hear it. My conversations don't translate well to real life, I have to be caught at the right moment. Lately I've had so many Bible "discussions" especially at night. I've explained everything from how the Christians became God's chosen people to laying out the evidence of the Bible's divine inspiration. I use the Bible and read it out loud in all of these little discussions. Maybe this is one way of studying. These discussions usually last well over an hour because all of these topics require a lot of explaining if you go in depth. Wait, this is great! I can do this every night! I never thought about that. I can't even get into how many different things I talk to myself about in one Bible discussion. It reminds me how much I have been blessed to learn over the years as a Witness. The Bible is so wonderful and people would learn so much if they would read it and be helped to understand. They should try opening it first.
I feel like writing a lot today but I am running out of space. I know I can just continue on another page but for some reason that goes against my sense of orderliness. Okay, I'm going to try to be less anal and go for it. Right now I would love to be in a deserted wood. I love the woods and the less inhabited the better. I especially would love to be in a deserted wood by a lake. I've spent very little time in lakes but I loved them. I really wish I could jump in a lake right now. Okay, I'm going to jump.......