|Diary Page 24|
|February 1, 2003 - I am really sad now because I wrote some very personal things and then I messed up when I saved it and now it is gone. I was crying and I wasn't paying attention. It is also much too late at night in fact it is 5 am which I guess is now early in the morning. So I just may not go to bed or maybe I will take a nap.
I was crying because I felt bad. I guess that is rather obvious. I felt bad because I feel unlovable. Man I don't feel like typing about this again but I really don't feel like not typing it. Basically, I don't feel I can make friends who can love me. Except Esteban. He not only cares about me but he loves me as a friend and I am sure of it. It is also the only friendship I have ever had that lasted much longer than a year. Strangely enough, Esteban is the one person I have a hard time being open with about certain things. I do know what the problem is and I am trying to correct it before he becomes exasperated with me.
So I suppose I should explain what I mean by unlovable. I feel as if the friends I tried to make either did not care about getting close to me or were unable to. I know they all had affection for me and they did care about me. Caring about me and wanting to be close to me are two different things. The thing that frustrates me is I am almost always very open with people. Yes I am shy and reserved but usually not when I think someone cares about me. I want them to understand me and I try to understand them. I loved all my friends a great deal. I miss them terribly but I really don't think they feel the same way about me.
See I try very hard to be a likeable person. I try to be nice and I try to be a safe haven. People either like to be around me or they don't notice me at all. I do not like to make anyone feel uncomfortable and if I feel I have done that, then I try to be as invisible as possible. I don't want to upset anyone, especially my friends. I don't want my friends to ever be angry with me although I feel that would be okay if they loved me. That's the way love goes, sometimes you are displeased with a loved one. But I never feel like this love is reciprocated at all. One of the people who I thought was a friend told me that they just couldn't understand me so they couldn't develop this love in friendship. This was after a year of trying. This was a person I respect a great deal and this person was just being honest with me.
Why am I so difficult that people cannot understand me? I don't get it. I don't see how I am so different from other people. I try so hard to be likeable but I want to be lovable too. I should be able to accomplish both to someone's satisfaction! But to be frank, I don't think some of my other friends really made much effort to understand me. Soon I learned that it was just best to shut up about myself and deal with their concerns. That kind of thing happens in a lot of relationships, there is no give and take. But it isn't like I didn't try at first. They never got that look in their eyes, that's all.
You know that look? It's a lot like the look someone has when you first meet them at a gathering and the two of you start talking and they realize they have found a kindred spirit. That has never happened to me but someone once described it to me. And I certainly am aware with the look people have when they are not seeing you, when they are not that interested. Well on a more intense scale, this is what happens with some of my friendships.
WHY? What is wrong with me? Or maybe there is nothing wrong and it just isn't meant to be. Not for a while anyway. I wish I could accept that but it is hard. I want people to get to know me and most importantly to want to. When I meet new people, online or off, I am aware of what is going to happen. It always does. But this awareness has not stopped me from trying because I am not that resigned yet. I know I should be lovable and at least someone should be interested in getting to know me. But as I was saying, I have met a lot of people online and off. Not so much lately but over the years I have done this. I have chatted with and emailed people online, and I have gone out with and chatted with people offline. I'm always the last to email. Things tend to drift off after all the small talk is done. I come away knowing I was just not interesting enough. Or something. But even if things get past the small talk phase, I always care more than the other person. And the end result of drifting off remains the same. I don't ever cry over it. I try to understand it and then I move on. Right now I am crying over the general situation. So I'll go take a nap now.
Same Day - Well I still feel the same way but my thoughts have moved on. Actually I don't know what to think about anymore. I am not in a happy mood. I'm not angry or particularly sad, just not happy. Well no one is happy every day. I am just having a hard time smiling but if I had to I could fake it. Sometimes I am good at that and sometimes I am not. Usually if I am not then it is because I didn't feel like putting any effort into it. In general, I have to fake happiness a lot. At elast I did when I was around people. People do not like any kind of negativity or they don't like you. It makes people extremely uncomfortable. It is more difficult for me to assuage another person's discomfort over my feelings than it is to just not express them in any way. I think everyone does that from time to time but I take it to extremes. In fact, right now this diary is the only I feel I can express any negative emotions whatsoever. I try not to express them around my family nowadays because I don't want to upset the applecart. That's kind of my whole approach to life: Don't upset the applecart.
But sometimes even when I'm trying to be positive it doesn't matter. People still put me down. My brother just told me that everyone is saying I am lazy because I don't go to meetings or out in the field ministry. Now I know that I am not lazy but I wish people wouldn't say things like that. Even people who know what is wrong with me say these things because I suppose they don't understand or believe the severity of it. Well that is to be expected. Human beings are imperfect and have a tendency to judge what they don't know. I just hate being called lazy. The other thing I hate is being called a liar. The older I got the less I lied. In recent years I haven't lied much at all just as Jehovah's servants shouldn't. If I do I guess it is when I exaggerate or something. I can't even think of anything at the moment. That doesn't stop certain people from calling me names. This is why I need friends. Because most of the "loved ones" already in my life have a hard time seeing that I have changed. I have changed because of illness and some things change just because one is older and more mature. I feel like I am constantly banging my head against a wall. I am really not feelin' the love. I don't even understand why I am writing all this. There is nothing anyone can do about it but pity me. The thing I have against pity is that it really does no good to anyone, not the one doing the pitying and not the person being pitied. Maybe someone out there can identify with what I am going through and that is the best I can hope for. In fact, that is good because I will have helped someone. I don't expect anyone to try to fix all my sadness because that cannot possibly come from another human being. I would like companionship so I can be happier and maybe I wouldn't care if people called me lazy because I know someone would understand. Actually, Jehovah understands. So He will help me to get things together.