|Still February 1, 2003 - I am in an extremely chatty mood today. I read some scriptures and I feel better (the 55th Psalm). I wonder if I was feeling negative. I honestly don't think I was. But I for some reason I am disinterested in everything but other people and thus this diary. This is my way of maintaining contact with people, even though I don't really know if anyone is ever going to read these words. Apparently a lot more people have been reading my diary this month than ever before. I was looking at the Geocities statistics for this diary and I was amazed. First of all, I never realized Geocities kept such detailed records. Secondly, I don't really know who these people are. A lot of my recent pages were read the same day I put them up. Especially this week and I know who is doing that but this month in general there has been an increase. I find it funny how people find my web pages. Apparently some of them look up "diary of a depressed person" and they find me. Well glad I could be of help! Some people come here from that online Witness forum that I frequent once in a blue moon.
Oh that reminds me, yesterday I was feeling very creative and I was able to act on it. I do have some mediocre creative ability so maybe I can develop that. Of course, it was writing. I said I hadn't written a poem in years. Well first of all I wasn't really counting song parodies that I wrote a while ago. Secondly, I have had a great many poems and songs in my head but I never bothered to record them and so I lost them. I hate when that happens. When I do write it usually takes less than a half hour, usually less than ten minutes. That's because once it comes to me it comes very clearly and the feeling that brings it is still there. So I have to get it out right away because my mind can be flighty. Now I realize that my poems aren't very good although some of my parodies are when I work on them. I wrote a parody yesterday and I thought it was quite funny, at least, I laughed a lot.I wasn't laughing at my jokes so much as the concept that I was writing about. It is hard for me to express serious thought and emotions in creative ways. When I was depressed it was extremely difficult. When I am manic then it is not. But I tend to ignore my creativity in times of mania because I am focused on other things like thinking a lot and running around without a care in the world. I love bouncing, I feel very bouncy. Now exactly how does that hurt anyone? You should see me, it is hilarious! Sadly lithium took the hilarity away but alright, I can deal wtih normalcy.
When I am singing I always pretend people are listening. Sometimes it is a concert, sometimes it is a talent show, sometimes it is at my wedding. And I don't have any desire to sing at my wedding. Anyway, for some reason I am always singing in front of people. This is really perverse because right now I am terrified of being in front of people. It's so silly, when I am singing my songs and I mess up as I always do, then I apologize and become very embarassed! It is as if I put myself in that situation. This is what happens when your imagination goes awry. So last night I said I would take a nap but I really wanted to sing slow songs. I waited till 8am to take my nap and I know that is a bad thing. But I felt like singing slow songs because they make me feel better. I forgot that crying makes my voice scratchy. The imaginary audience was quite displeased I'm sure. But I was even more displeased because I get frustrated when I can't hit higher notes. I'm a girl! Actually my voice sounds a lot better when I stay in a lower register, it isn't quite as painful to hear. I remain defiant and one day I will lose my voice completely. When I was younger I could sing with ease along with Mariah Carey. Nowadays I struggle with Steve Perry.
Sometimes I am deliriously happy. This is not one of those times but I have fond memories of those occasions. But as with most of my life's experiences, I am always alone. Other people have never seen me deliriously happy. I wonder if this is because I am afraid to show emotion or if it is simply because I have never been really happy around other people. Okay, let me think about all the time I spent with my friends. I'm not sure if I had deliriously happy moments with Esteban. I had giddy moments but that's not the same thing at all. Esteban and I have never met in person and I know that has a lot to do with it. Okay next one would be Carmencita. I think I must have had really happy moments with her. We had a lot of fun together I know it. I can't remember any specifically but I can remember bad moments. Perhaps I am just being a pessimist. No deliriously happy moments with Shemelia simply because she neither gets deliriously happy nor does she inspire it. She is extremely level-headed and sometimes I am just a goof. Giddy moments with Daniel and a lot of other feelings but no really happy ones. Okay happy, but not deliriously happy. At this point I think I should explain what I mean by deliriously happy. I mean floating on air kind of happy. I mean happiness you feel in your entire body. I mean everything is perfect right now kind of happy.
People may wonder why I talk about friends but only mention the same four people. Before Esteban I had acquaintances but no friends. I did not have any real friends in childhood but I have moved on from that. Since then I have met other people besides those other 3. I have certainly felt friendly with other people. I have met people with whom I had a lot in common (I came so close to ending that with a preposition). I have met people who I had a lot in common with. HAHAHAHAHA. ANYWAY, I have also had good times with other people one-on-one but never saw them again. Just didn't work out for some reason. In my mind that reason is always becomes I am not interesting but I'm digressing back to the previous page. Okay, so the point remains that I have met other people and spent friendly time with them. There are even people who I would consider friends for that period of time but it has to last six months before I feel like a person is friends page material. Like the sisters I went to Michigan with. I really liked all of them. I'd like to see them again but that wouldn't work because my phobia would extend to them, I can feel it. I only knew them for a few weeks, one for a couple months. Since contact was not maintained, none of it ever blossomed the way it could have. Which is why my anxiety would extend to them. It doesn't extend to Steve, Tita, Mimi or Daniel (nicknames are so much easier). I may not always feel up to being around my friends but I am never afraid or nervous to be around them.
I am well aware that most people go through life making all kinds of short term friends and acquaintances so that is not just my issue. I'm glad I had four people who remained friendly for more than a few weeks or months. It was truly a blessing. But if you read the previous page you'd know that I have had serious issues with 3 of those "friendships". Issues that have to do with whether or not they truly knew me or loved me (I don't believe the latter occured with at least 1). So if they didn't really know me, trust me or love me then that can be rife with pain. I have acquaintances, short term friends, and people who ditch me (again, with one exception). Now lately I have been reaching out for friendship and trying to meet new people online. That's hard enough but not impossible. I meet other Witnesses. But if we have nothing else in common it usually dies at the acquaintance stage. That's cool. If it looks like a friendship can be developed then it automatically moves into the short term friends stage. Now I don't actually believe that until the relationship ends and I evaluate it. Because to me everyone I meet has the potential to be a close, loving friend. Once we leave the small talk stage, if the person finds me interesting and starts to actually care about me and vice versa then depending on the length of the relationship they become friends. And that is where most of the relationships have died because once the "becoming close friends" part happens things just don't work out. Again, this is just my evaluation of how my relationships go, I don't think about any of this in the midst of the relationship. I am always hopeful and glad I have a friend. I wish it didn't have to turn out this way. I guess it doesn't have to really, if I try really really hard.
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