|Diary Page 26|
|February 2, 2003 - Lately I've felt like writing until I fill the page, or even two pages. My only explanation for this is that I have a lot of thoughts that I don't want to forget and also that my time is pretty much unoccupied most of the time. I'm starting to loathe the television and the rest of the internet bores me so I come here and write. I suppose I could write other things besides entries in this journal but I really like to write here. This is probably unhealthy for me somehow. But often once I write about it then I don't think about it much anymore. If it is something bad then I don't think about it much until the subject comes up again. And if I do think about the subject I try to look at it from another angle. I'd like to write about another worry today but let me just say that I don't think I am being a worrywart. I am just examining things about myself and trying to fix them.
One of my biggest worries is how other people see me and what they think of me. This particular worry has existed for much of my life but only recently has it gotten so bad that it is a significant part of my disorder. I have made a conscious effort to put things in this diary and not worry about what other people will think of me. I try to put things here that I would say or record no matter if it were here or in my paper diary that no one sees. I lost that by the way. Anyway, I do feel like I have accomplished that for the most part. But that doesn't stop me from being extremely worried about what people think. I am the only person who truly understands how this mind works (or at least I understand a lot of it). I usually know why I am thinking about something so I know why I write about it at that moment. But I generally try to be careful about how I word things. And this is how I am in real life as well. I'm always trying to be apologetic about what I say. When I am not apologetic then I always have the distinct feeling that I am being a boor and that the other person feels this way as well. If I don't know how to say something with emphasis then I try my hardest to stay quiet. I haven't always been successful at this. In my mind, it usually doesn't turn out well. This is because other people don't understand how I think so they don't understand the motives or reasonings behind what I say. Here in my diary, I generally try to explain my thought process or why I am writing a certain thing. I can only hope that a reader would understand but I never really know.
In real life I have a lot of little rules that I follow and these govern my behavior. I always try to stay on my guard so I can follow these rules. I tell myself that my rules are there not only to protect me but to protect those around me. One of my rules is never speak first. Never speak first because someone else may say it better. Never speak first because they may not have been asking me or directing their comments towards me. Never speak first because in order to be agreeable I need to couch my response to best fit the thoughts of others, even if I am disagreeing. Another rule is to extensively interpret body language. In fact, I can do this while I am busy not speaking. One should always pay attention to the body language of others but sometimes I take it to extremes. I must do this because I absolutely do not want to say something that the other person is not interested in hearing. For example, if their body language already indicates that they are bored then I won't risk adding to that boredom by saying something (or something more if they were already talking to me). I have more rules and one of them is avoid extremely extroverted people. To be honest with you, they frighten me and they intimidate me. It is best for my sake and for theirs that our paths do not cross. Extroversion in general is not bad and I need to be around it sometimes to balance myself. But some people are as extroverted as I am introverted and that is a lot. If I see one of these people at a gathering then I watch from afar. If one of them comes up to me and tries to get me to do something then it doesn't matter what it is, I know I am going to regret it.
Another rule tells me that I must always try to determine if small talk is going somewhere and if it is not. It is hard for me to just ignore the fact that I am having a conversation with someone and to just focus on the topics at hand. The weather and "how I am doing" cannot possibly be that important. However, sometimes a person is engaging in small talk because they feel that they have to and sometimes they really want to speak to you. If it is obligatory small talk then I can always find a way to end it. Noncommital phrases and monosyllabic responses usually do the trick. By the way, it is very rare for me to start a conversation so I don't usually engage in obligatory small talk. I usually just say hello to people just to be sociable and I don't see that as small talk. Anyway, obligatory small talk is useless and only serves to make me all nervous for no good reason. Why do people feel the need to do this, why don't they just say nothing if they have nothing to say? Not all small talk is obligatory and I have to be careful when I make the distinction. People tell me that small talk is just how you start a conversation, it can lead to greater things if the two of us are interested.
So many rules, so little space. I don't know if I feel that my rules should apply to other people or not. For the most part, I feel like they are just for me to keep myself out of trouble. I usually assume other people can handle themselves without having rules. I know I am not the only to have rules but these are my rules. I can remember instances when following the rules helped and I can remember times when I didn't follow them and I suffered the consequences. I remember few times when the rules hurt me and that usually happens with the small talk rule because sometimes people are interested in getting somewhere with me and I think they aren't or refuse to see it and so I use my little methods to get out of the conversation. I always regret that. That one happens more in real life than in my online interactions because online I figure small talk can always lead somewhere. I believe people should behave any way they see fit as long as it is moral and doesn't harm others. My problem is that I always feel I will hurt someone if I am not extremely careful. This is partly out of a fear of rejection and also low self-esteem. I value others over myself. I see myself as harmful or inconsequential and undeserving. Knowing these things does little to stop me. Sometimes I go ahead and break my rules and I get hurt and rejected. Then again, I suppose I am going to feel hurt and rejected anyway so I might as well be relaxed while I'm at it. I'll have to think about that one.
Why do I feel like I am being ignored so much? I guess I put myself out there so few times that when I do it and it goes unnoticed I feel really bad. It isn't really anybody's fault I suppose. Those who ignore or don't notice are not doing it intentionally. They just simply failed to notice or did not realize the significance. I don't know if I am the only one effected by it. They may very well be missing out on something insightful and they may be missing out on knowing me. And that is worth something. I know it is because if I didn't think so I wouldn't share myself with anyone. So I must be worth something to other people. And I guess it is their loss if they ignore me or don't care. I lose out also but I can make up for it because one day someone will see me and they won't ignore me. They will definitely notice me. I will always hold on to this notion that someone may come along today, or tomorrow or the next day. Until the happens I reserve the right to worry about it and ponder the possibilities but I truly believe someone will love me, some day. I'm not talking about romantic love although that would be nice. I am talking about what comes before that, love in friendship. Love period. In the meantime I will have to realize that Jehovah loves me and I will try to learn to love myself.