|Diary Page 28|
|February 3, 2003 - Another night, another 3am diary entry. I'm just a night person I suppose. It is easy to do that when you don't have to go anywhere. Besides, I have always felt best at night and done my best thinking at night. Guess what, I'm crying again. I recently realized that I am a cryer. Funny, when I was younger I hated crying. Probably because I associated with boys so much. But now I accept it. Sometimes I can be very emotional and sometimes I can be coldly logical. I like the middle. To me emotions are never bad, although extremes can be inappropriate at times. I cry when I am angry, frustrated or scared. I cry when I am really happy or when something is really funny. Right now I am crying because I have realized something about myself and I don't know what it really means. So I guess I am scared.
This is hard for me to say. I am scared to trust. I mean, I am really scared to trust. This is strange to me. I can be open about so many things and I will answer just about any question about myself that someone asks me. But even if I want to be close to someone, I feel afraid that I will be hurt. Once I trusted wholeheartedly and let someone in on all of my thoughts, feelings, hopes and desires and I was hurt. Not intentionally, but hurt nonetheless. Rejected. I have only done it once and I am terrified to do it again. So now I allow bits and pieces to shine through but I am very much afraid of letting anyone in again. Since I was hurt I haven't really tried to make friends anyway but that was because there were slim pickings. So now if I do have the chance to make a friend how would I handle it? Right at this very moment I am thinking about it and I am scared to death. My friends leave me. I was rejected all throughout grade school and throughout much of high school. In high school I didn't have to open up enough to be rejected by someone I cared about. Or perhaps I didn't have the opportunity to do that. I was brutally teased and I was a loner throughout most of my school years. I was invisible in my congregation. I thought this didn't effect me anymore but obviously it does. Will it ever go away? I know that I am worthy of affection but I don't want to be hurt. And I expect to be hurt.
This is really bad. I've heard of situations like this. People with trust issues. I didn't think I was like that, I thought I was very trusting. But I'm not, at least, not with what matters most. My heart and mind. I don't want to reveal my feelings or my deepest thoughts. But these are the things that make me the person that I am. So am I setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy? If I close myself off out of fear and don't let someone get to know me, then won't they eventually leave because of that? I can't let that kind of thing happen, can I? No No NO I can't but I don't see how to avoid it. I really am very scared I can't say it enough. I haven't been this terrified in a long time. I never thought you could be scared of a feeling like this. But rejection is so powerful. It is the most powerful thing in the social circle as far as I am concerned. Well maybe not more poweful than love. Why do I fear rejection this way? Is it because I feel like I am not good enough? Or it because I am trying to protect myself? Am I that fragile? I don't think so. I think that if I were to actually be rejected again I would cry and my heart would hurt for a while and then I would move on. Or at least I'd think that I had moved on but in reality I know that it would just make me that much more fearful.
I am tired of being afraid. Some fears are out of my control right now but this one shouldn't be. I don't know how to conquer this other than to just risk it all.
Later, Same Day - Okay, well once I decided just to take the risk I feel a lot better. In fact, I felt very bright and sunny earlier so much so that my mother noticed. I felt really good. Almost, deliriously happy if you can believe it. You know what, there was no almost to it. I was deliriously happy! It has been a while. Self-realizations and life-changing moments are generally happy for me. I love when it happens because it means a door has opened for me. So even though it was quite painful to realize that about myself I am glad that I did. It will still be hard for me to completely trust but at least I have started the journey. I wrote another poem today and I'll probably write another before I go to sleep tonight. Of course, that isn't gonna happen for a long time, lol. Might not sleep until tomorrow. Anyway, back to the poetry. I wrote a poem about what happens when you decide to live in the past instead of moving on. It was rather long for me. I knew what I wanted to say but I wanted to say a lot and still maintain a flow that made sense so it took an hour. Now that I have started writing so much I'm not sure what the purpose of it is. Since I have so many feelings and deep thoughts (deep for me anyway) I know I can write many poems. I have the creativity to turn my thoughts and feelings into verse. Hey, I've a gift for metaphors and similes and such, what can I tell you. Sometimes I can see my feelings and see my thoughts, like they are personified. I can't believe I'm saying this, I don't really think of myself as creative. But it is self-defeating for me to be so down on myself and refuse to see the good qualities. I always focus on the bad ones. Maybe if I paid equal attention to the good ones it would help me to work on the bad ones. Everyone has bad qualities and bad habits. Blame it on Adam.
Last night I was thinking about intelligence. Three years ago I took an IQ test and I was taking a look at the results yesterday. Actually I first was given one when I was a child. My IQ hasn't changed much since I was a child, which I expected. Why do they do that? I don't really understand the purpose of those tests. What is intelligence anyway? I don't really know. I've always believed that I have a really good memory and that I can comprehend things quickly. I am strongly of the opinion that anyone can and should be able to do this. When I say I am not all that intelligent I am not trying to put myself down. I just don't understand what that is supposed to mean. School was easy for me because all I had to do was listen to the teacher or follow the instructions in the schoolbooks and I would understand. I never failed a test in my life. To me, failing a test would mean I wasn't paying attention or I didn't understand. But see, if I don't understand something I try and try and research and think until I do understand. Or I ask someone, like the teacher. But most things you learn in school are not all that difficult to understand. Well not in urban schools. I don't feel kids in my schools received an education of the quality suburban kids received. But that is a whole other issue. Now if someone has a learning disability then I can understand why school would be hard. I am also grateful that I got my glasses early at the age of 6 because I know that many kids suffer in school because they have difficulty seeing. Strange, 6 is the age when I was tested and 6 is also the age when I decided my two life goals. And 6 used to be my favorite number until I learned some things. Anyway, I still don't quite understand what intelligence means. Everyone has a different definition. I don't really see why it is all that important. Just love and obey Jehovah, love your fellow man and you should be alright. Use knowledge to cultivate wisdom. Anyone can do this. It is so silly. I was reading about the "intelligence quotient" (I believe that is what it is called, not sure) at various websites because I was trying to gain an understanding. Some scientists actually think your IQ can be a reasonable predictor of your financial status and level of education. I do believe that this kind of intelligence is genetic which is why the IQ doesn't change much. That said, it is RIDICULOUS to actually think the relationship between IQ scores and financial or educational achievement can be quantified or even established. That kind of thing drives me mad. I think it is irresponsible. Scientists drive me batty sometimes. Now I am reminded of something.