|Diary Page 29|
|Still Same Day - I feel the need to talk about school. There are a lot of memories and experiences and some of them have made me the person that I am today. Besides, I just feel like talking about it and thinking about it. I try to be organized so I guess I will go grade by grade. When I was 5 I was in kindergarten and I was not a happy child. I found joy only in Barbies. I didn't like school and I didn't like being around people. I also wet myself a lot and once I did it in school. Of course all the kids laughed at me because that is what kids do. But as a 5 year old it hurt. When I was 6 I was in the first grade and I think things were better. It is when real school began in my opinion. Kindergarten was like day care. Once I started real school I found something that I was good at. I also think I may have had a girl friend that year. And it was also the year when I was kissed for the first and only time (up to now anyway). Some silly boy named Kenny decided to kiss me and I don't know why. I also got my IQ test when I was 6. When I was 7 my parents decided to send my brother and I to a new school by bus. I am black and this school was almost entirely white and that changed my life forever. I was very lonely at this school and I had no friends at all. My teacher was really sweet and she looked out for me a lot. Of course I wet myself again because I was stressed out again, and of course they really teased me badly. To make things worse, my IQ scores got me sent to mentally gifted class and to this day I don't know if that was a curse or a blessing. I don't remember learning anything of value in any of those classes, it felt like day care for smart kids. When I grew older other kids thought it was cool but for a 7 year old, they just resented the fact that I got to go somewhere else. A few years later my brother would be sent to mentally gifted class too (he is a late bloomer, lol) and he found out how hard it can be to not be liked by other kids. I also started writing in second grade. Second grade was so bad that when third grade started, I just decided that I was going to be a rebel. If they didn't like me then fine I wouldn't care. I was only 8 years old but the first day of school I walked right in and sat in the chair with my arms crossed and a devil may care attitude. And you know what, they didn't like me. So what! This is when I started preferring the company of boys. They didn't really want me around but I hadn't yet decided to be a loner yet. In 4th grade I met my first real bully, Charles. I also made my first real girl friend, Jennifer. Charles hated me and I hated him and we fist fought and teased each other a whole lot. It's funny because Charles wasn't a big kid, he was real skinny and he didn't bother anybody else. Now I believe we must have liked each other. But our fighting went on until we graduated from that school. Jennifer was a strange friend to have. Sometimes we fought and sometimes we were close. Sometimes we ignored each other. It would remain this way until graduation. I don't think I ever really cared for her. Fifth grade doesn't matter, except to say I fought a lot with a lot of people. I didn't stop fighting until the eighth grade. Fighting was the only power I had. In fifth grade Jennifer and I didn't get along so I officially became a loner. They called me "bird girl" because at recess I always stood in the corner where the pigeons gathered. They didn't bother me so I didn't bother them. I just remained quiet and watched. I remember this being the time I first went to see a therapist, because of my dealings with Charles. The therapist told me he liked me. Why didn't she tell me I liked him? Would have saved a lot of hassle. Sixth grade I continued to get into fights. I broke a couple of noses. Look, I never started it! I just defended myself. I also started receiving more acclaim for my writing. That year my teacher was black and she was very protective of me. Some of the kids were extremely racist. Thankfully by that year when I was 11, the school was really becoming integrated. That year I officially became the smart kid. That's also when I started keeping my paper diary. I started noticing that I liked boys. When I was 12 I entered the seventh grade and that was cruise control. Still fought a bit but no real problems. I was writing a lot by that point. I kind of had a friend, but not really. When I turned 13 I entered the 8th grade. There was a girl named Christina who was teased by everyone. She kind of got attached to me. I wasn't really teased anymore. I was just the kid who tutored everyone else. My English teacher that year changed my life. It is when I started writing poetry and really began to love the English language. It is also when I took up French.
When I was 14 I entered high school. Oh dear, that is all I can say. It was a major transition for me. I went to a school with high educational standards and I know I could have met them but it was a year of turmoil. I got baptized that year. I had my first panic attack that year. I dropped out of school that year. I went back to school when I was 16 but this time I had to attend my local high school. My mother was in a coma at this time. A lady named Mercedes was a substitute teacher for the school and had the task of calling all truants and trying to persuade them to return. I wasn't really truant because the school district knew I was sick. Anyway, she offered to drive me to school and take me home every day. The one good thing about that school was it was so educationally bankrupt I looked like a genius. I could have taught that English class, as Mercedes told me one time. I started learning Latin which helped me improve my French. I love Latin. Mercedes had to move on to another school and I didn't want to return so after that year I went to a charter school that had just opened up. By the way, a charter school is a public school that has more freedom as far as the curriculum and disciplinary standards are concerned. Charter schools are run by private organizations. In exchange, they receive a lot less money from the public school system. Anyway, I loved and hated that school. It was my first full year of high school. I met Carmencita the first day and that was the thing that changed it all. The school was full of cliques and I didn't fit in any of them. I liked all of the teachers and most of them liked me. I had to be the smart kid again. I actually started cheating that year because I kept doing another kid's homework. I feel bad about that. My French really took off because the headmaster taught the French class and he was very strict. I sat by myself at lunchtime so I took up Italian and that distracted me Why are there so many cliques in high school? There was the popular clique. This was made up of the most powerful and influential people in school. They all looked good and they all dressed well. Everyone followed their lead (everyone but me). Carmencita was a member of this group and they also happened to make up the student council. Then there was the Russian group. They'd make fun of you in Russian and assume you wouldn't know. One of the Russian girls was really friendly to me. Another one was the other smart kid in school. Finally, a kindred. I wasn't really writing anymore. And I learned a little bit of Russian while I was there. I love languages. A lot of other things happened at that school. I had a social life because of Carmencita. I did things that I now believe were dangerous for Christian youths to do. Well I learned my lesson but Carmencita is out of the truth. Kids, listen to your parents! Listen to the Young People Ask book! After that year I decided I didn't want to return because it would be my senior year and that is all about social activities. So I learned about homeschooling and homeschooled myself. Then I joined the world of work and that is that.
Well that felt good making an account of all that. Of course that doesn't even tell a quarter of my school experiences but I am not writing an autobiography. It was on my mind so I wrote about it. On the whole I am rather satisfied with it. It is what it is, you cannot change the past. You can only learn from it and move on. Save the good things as memories and bury the bad in the back of your brain as a caution. In some ways, your life begins anew every day. I am saying all this and yet I still dwell on the past a lot. I can always think of good things to say but it is awfully hard to follow your own advice. I don't know what the future holds. I know things will get worse before they get better. Hmm, I feel like being scatter-brained right now, not intelligent. What is intelligent anyway? I'd rather be scatter-brained! It is more fun.