|Diary Page 36|
|Still February 10, 2003 - Okay, so I am still thinking about forming relationships and getting people to open up. Now I think the important thing for me to remember is that I shouldn't try to "get" someone else to open up. It should naturally happen over the course of the friendship. They'll only do it when they trust me or if they are genuinely interested in opening up to me. If they want me to know them then presumably they will let me, provided they know how. But the fact remains that if I know I like someone and I am interested in getting to know that person further, then I will have to show them that I am someone worth letting into their heart and mind. I can only control myself, after all. And a friendship should be based on mutual interest and affection.
Besides making myself a friend to them, I think it is important to understand that person's personality and background. Some people do not open up as easily as others. For example, people who have been hurt may have a more difficult time opening up and trusting. And some people are introverted and reserved and just not very open. I am introverted and seemingly open but I now know that it is not easy to get me to reveal my true thoughts and feelings. A lot of times I am trying to be accomodating and I am afraid to just say what I think or feel. I want to make my feelings match the other person's feelings. I also have a hard time letting someone know I am dissatisfied with the path or progress of a relationship. While I am busy keeping my feelings inside, I can become very frustrated and upset. So I am trying to work on these negative aspects of my personality.
Some people are just naturally slower and more relaxed. Sometimes I can be very relaxed especially if I am already happy. But sometimes I want to move faster. I'm patient but not slow. And then there are the people who just need their own space and need that to be respected. I think that is really necessary. I wonder when it is time to let someone into my space, even if just for a little while, every now and again. Also, I have to consider the fact that I like talking with people I feel comfortable with. I show my affection with words and also through my actions. Well some people just show their affection with actions. I have to train myself to recognize it. I think this is all very interesting and personal for me. It is also very appropriate since it is my goal to make friends now. Besides, I love studying people and getting to know what makes them tick and how and why they behave the way they do. I love people.
February 12, 2003 - At some point every day I fantasize about the girl I want to be. The girl of my dreams, lol. Some of it is just pure fun but some of it I really want. At the very least, I want to feel like her. Happy and self-assured and loved and needed. Smart and faithful. Brave. Right now it is about 3am on the 12th but earlier in the night I was daydreaming about this other me again. This time I was thin, supermodel thin. Bear in mind I do not actually want to be this thin because I like flesh and curves but I was thin like this in the daydream. Okay, I'll mentally add some curves to the figure. Anyway, my hair was longer just the way I want it to be and I was taller. I wish I was a little bit taller. But I know this won't be happening anytime soon. Or anytime late for that matter. Anyway, I was wearing a form-fitting black dress, a Spanish dress. And I was dancing, in high heels. Comfortable high heels, they felt great and I could do anything I wanted in them. There were people watching me and they liked me and I wasn't nervous. Other times I have dreamed that I was writing a column or articles for some big magazine or newspaper. Sometimes I dream that I am in an intimate group and everyone is really feeling connected and having a great time in each other's company. And I feel like I belong. In all of my dreams, I belong.
I didn't take my pictures yesterday but I did finally figure out how to hook up the digital camera to the computer and remove the pictures I took of my family last year. Today it will be the coldest day of Winter so far according to the weather reports. And there will be more snow. So to be honest I don't see myself walking around and taking pictures but I will consider it. I don't have many plans for this week. I still want to go to the library but I have to choose the right moment to approach someone and ask them.
I feel like I am maturing every single day and getting to know myself better. I am really coming into my own in a very nice way. I have growing pains but that is okay. I am becoming a lot more well-rounded. Thank you Jehovah!!!!!! And I should thank the people in my life because they have all helped me and will continue to help me. I desperately want to be of help also. Yeah, I am confused about a lot of things but we can be confused together.
February 13, 2003 - I write something every day, and it has helped me to feel so much more centered and calm. Writing helps me to release so much energy, and it replenishes me with positive energy. A short while ago I was feeling slightly braindead. Just not much happening up there. Then I took some time to do some writing and now I feel rejuvenated. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Things have changed so much from when I was younger. Even from not so long ago, when I was 19. I now see so much is as grey as these words. Everything was black and white before. I had so many set ideas and opinions and I knew how I saw the world. But there is so much more to it than I ever could have thought. Nothing is quite as simple as I thought it was. Some things are harder now, but some things are a lot easier to understand and accept. I am much more comfortable and confident now. It is funny because I "know" a lot less now than I did then. But I am happier to realize that there is so much I don't know. That leaves more to discover. And that helps me to keep my eyes open, because knowledge and understanding is out there. And when I find it and understand how to apply it, then I grow wiser. I want to be wiser, not know everything. I'll never know everything and I am glad I know that now. I can really start living and learning because I am better prepared to experience.
On the whole, I think I like myself. Honestly, I'm not so bad. I have a good foundation to build on. Yes, I need a lot of construction but there is certainly potential. Some of it has been realized, and there is so much more. I will enjoy the future realizations because I am anticipating them. I don't want to rush anything. I think I have forever to learn. I like the way things are now. Slower, more relaxed. I know that I will be up and down and maybe a few months from now I will be as depressed as I was a few months ago. But maybe not. Who knows? I sure don't. The best I can do is live. I don't want to wait for life to just happen. Life is not a bed of roses. But it doesn't have to be a bed of nails. Sometimes it will smell as sweet or sting as sharp. But I think every minute will be worth it if I make it so.