|Diary Page Forty-Two|
|February 26, 2003 - Things are never as simple as they should be. I like it when things are simple. If something is complicated then it is a distraction and can easily be ignored. Personally, I would like to be a lot simpler. I would like my personality to be stripped down to the most basic elements.That would be safe. Simplicity equals safety. I'd like to keep my heart and psyche safe. For example, I'd still like to have a sense of humor, but I'd want things to be so simple and obvious that people would always know when I am joking.I've been around jolly, affable people and I'd like to be like that. Just jolly so everyone knows you are good-natured. Sometimes I think people must think I am crazy, to take me so seriously all the time. But as always, the problem must lie within, so I must strive to be more obvious.
I'd also like to have simpler thoughts. I wish I could simplify my knowledge also. While I'm at it, I'm almost inclined to get rid of my will to learn completely. It does me little good when it comes to human relations, and that is very important to me. Being liked is more important than being smart. Yes, it really is. Of course, I want to be liked for the right reasons. Because I'd be nice, sweet, amiable, jolly, non-threatening and pleasant (and probably boring but at least I'd have friends). People like that. People respect intelligence but they don't necessarily like it. I think intelligence just gets in the way. I try to use my knowledge to help me get along better and understand people better. I don't like having knowledge for its own sake. I always want to try to use it to help me achieve my goals. I keep most of my knowledge to myself because I have yet to get into a conversation with anyone who'd really care to hear my thoughts. Well actually, I have met a few people who did but I messed up anyway. Just too weird, so I must keep them to myself. Still, they slip out in conversations. I can't dumb myself down no matter how hard I try. Intelligence is an inseparable part of me and it has been there all my life and I am honestly sick of it. What good has it done? Certainly, I think it has helped me be less boring to people but that hasn't helped me make a lot of friends. So the weird sense of humor and the intelligence have to go. Buh Bye.
It recently came to my attention that none of my friends have ever done anything harmful to me or hurt me. Everything that ever went wrong was my fault. At least, that is how it is in my mind. Same goes for most of my loved ones period. They were right, I was wrong. Clearly I'm not right about anything or I wouldn't be where I am today. The problems always come back to me and until I am fixed things will stay this way. It is at times like these that I resent the medications. I should be having a good, proper cry but instead I am just calmly typing.
You know, all of this boils down to the same question. Why can't I find anyone who has similar needs? It is always the same thing. I feel like the loneliest person on the planet. It as if no one is as lonely as I am and that is why I have such a hard time finding a kindred spirit. I sure do wish I had a life. Let me see, what can I do to make a life for myself? So I won't need people. It is strange, about five years ago I had a very long discussion with my brother about the value of friendship. As a loner much of my life, I didn't see the need for friends. What could they do but hurt you just like any other loved one? Anything I needed Jehovah could provide. Everything I wanted could come from myself. I remember he shared scriptures with me but I didn't understand them because I could not see the importance of friendship or close relationships period. I had never been a friend and I hadn't had any so I really didn't know what I was missing. But now I have been a friend to several and I have had maybe two of them so I know what it is about. I almost wish I could be the way I was before. I certainly had a life then. If I recall correctly, I would spend much of the day studying, reading and I believe I was debating online a lot. Putting my knowledge to use, whether that be good or bad use I still can't say. But that was basically how my day was filled, as I was too sick to work or attend regular school. Now I find myself in a similar situation except I am a different person now. I am much softer now. I thought that was a good thing. But I suppose I am hurt more easily now, or at least, I can feel the pain more readily now. I am too sick to work or do much of anything else. But I don't feel like spending my entire day reading and studying and I certainly don't feel like debating anyone over anything. No, now I want to make relationships. But if I didn't need them before why do I need them now? I don't know, but I do. This has made life harder, not easier or better. Relationships have not significantly improved my life. Either they don't care about my feelings or they don't care about my thoughts. Well before when I was filling myself with knowledge my fellow debaters cared about my thoughts (if only to debunk them) and I wasn't sharing my feelings with anyone anyway. What am I supposed to do with these things now? No wonder I talk to myself so much.
I really must be odd. You know, I realize that all of these thoughts do have a source. Right now I am bothered by something. I am feeling like I am weird again for a reason. I think it is because I am too sensitive. That is something else I would definitely have to get rid of, sensitivity. It has some benefits but again, doesn't help me to make and keep friends so it can go out the door with my sense of humor and intelligence. Yes, I am too sensitive. And that is because I don't have a life. If I did have a life I wouldn't have time to be so sensitive. Anyway, I guess I make things more significant than they really are. I am worried very easily and I don't know why. All of this is all in my head. Again, the problem is me. It is always in my head, it is always me. I have to constantly remind myself of this. If I am worried about something it is because I must be paranoid. It cannot really be as I think it is. And if it is, then it should be like that and I have to deal with it. I hate being so unsure of things. Maybe I would be more sure if I had a life. If I had something to do every day, to completely fill my day so that I wouldn't have to think about anything else. Like if I had a job. Hmm, when I was working I didn't have time to be lonely. Working stressed me out so much that my thoughts weren't occupied with friendships or anything like that. In fact, when I was working I didn't write in my diary so much so I know that I wasn't having too many thoughts or feelings at all. My complete person was not allowed to come out. Whatever I need to do to get rid of loneliness and the desire for human companionship, I am almost willing to do it. All of this is just a burden. What will happen is I will meet interesting people, like them, want to get to know them, then scare them off or bore them. I was thinking about it and I have met a number of nice, interesting potential friends over the last few years. Every time it happens I get all excited and write long emails and read every one they send as soon as it comes and then....I don't know what happens then. Nothing changes from my point of view. I can't think of a single time when someone sent me an email and I didn't respond. In fact, that is inconceivable for me. If someone liked me enough or found me interesting enough to write to me, why in the world would I ignore them? Me, of all people? I wouldn't have the nerve. I wouldn't even want to do that. Strangely, it happens to me a lot. So I conclude that other people are not as nice as me or again, I am just odd. I expect too much, of course I do. I know this. How do I lower my expectations? That is such a good question. That must be my problem. I expect too much. Of course, the problem is me, as usual. But this problem, I should be able to solve.
Normally, I would wrack my brain trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma and then give up and conclude that isn't the problem. So, I would try to figure out how to lower my expectations so that I am never disappointed or hurt and then that would be impossible so I would conclude that my expectations are fine and people just don't like me. So then I would have to figure out what it is they don't like, or what turns them off. In fact, I think I already thought about that. Didn't I conclude that it was my sense of humor, intelligence and sensitivity that bothered people? Okay, so I am back to where I started. I shall have to figure out how to permanently get rid of or tone down all of those things. Well, that seems hard to do. And if I think about it too much soon I will have one of those diary entries where I am upset because no one gets me. I don't really feel like feeling like that. In fact, I'd rather stick to changing my expectations. Because right now I am not lonely yet, but close to it. And depression is always right behind loneliness.