|Diary Page Forty-Eight|
|Still September 20, 2003 - Okay, here are the thoughts I had and the things I told myself after I officially started my day on 9/17/03 (my day started at 3:33PM because I had been reading the rest of the day). They are all in order but sometimes hours passed in between them, while I was watching TV and whatnot:
3:33PM to 5:30 PM
* I'm excited after reading Dr. Phil's book! I am going to actively challenge my internal dialogue yet try to keep it real.
* I'm tired of doing things for my mother. It's going to be like this for the rest of my life. But I have to try to be nicer to her.
* I'm not a servant.
* I have to be realistic, not let my thoughts be tampered by Dr. Phil's book.
* I'll never be able to get married, I'll have to take care of my mother. I'm frustrated with this.
* I have to balance my checkbook and go to therapy.
5:30 PM to 7:30 PM
* I want to dance. It excites me to think about it.
* I like being in control.
* I have to pay the cable bill.
* Most of my thoughts are dominated by what I am watching or reading, they aren't independent.
7:30PM to 9:30PM
* Don't give the cable company $200 if you don't have to. I'm too embarassed to call and ask for a precise amount with Alan here.
* I had the self-control not to eat french fries before, I can avoid them now.
* I don't have anything to do.
* We need plastic bags and syrup, why can't someone else buy them?
* I need to go to therapy.
9:30PM to 11:30PM
* It's amazing how the magazines are so relevant and reflect what I am going through.
*I'm not ready for a book on style, too much work.
* Why did I eat all of that food? I wish I could throw it up! I won't count the fries.
*Do I feel like exercising?
*Why was I so irritable today? Lately? My period? I don't know.
*I'm definitely getting fatter. My stomach is bigger. I'm afraid to measure.
* I need to go to therapy so I can get better.
*I want to go to dance class. I want to dance like Fred Astaire.
11:30PM to 1:30AM
* I feel very sexual right now.
* I don't want a little girl, I don't know what to do with one. My breath tightens just thinking about it.
* I miss working. I want to go to work.
* I was rude to the Sharper Image guy on the phone, I feel bad.
* I don't feel like doing this thing for Mommy but I can do it.
Those were the thoughts that I wrote down on that day. One thing I noticed is that I am constantly in planning mode. I constantly revise my thoughts and plans throughout the day. I never take a day and just relax, there are always things I think I should be doing. I am also apparently aware of my limitations, to the point of being fatalistic about them. Clearly, I want to go to therapy so I am going to take care of that next week. I'm not as negative as I thought, and a lot of my internal dialogue is questioning and knowledge-seeking. I also like telling myself what to do. I think I was a good friend that day, if demanding.
Another section of the book involved labels I have been given and labels I have given myself. There are A LOT of labels that have been given to me over the years. It's funny because no one likes to be labelled by others but we often accept the labels anyway, I guess figuring that the other person wouldn't have said it if there wasn't a kernel of truth to it. I know that I am generally willing to believe the worst of myself. These are all of the labels I came up with so far: loner, smart one, quiet one, weird one, ungettable, caregiver, protector, Guardian, genius, proud one, prone to mistakes, stubborn one, self-righteous girl, listener, jerk, liar, sick one, controlling one, sensitive type, quick learner, speller, subservient, do-gooder, faker, dutiful daughter, smart-mouth, bully, failure, lazy, fat, mature one, pessimist, worry-wart, hypochondriac, crazy.
The problem with labels is that they have become a permanent part of my self-image. At least until this week, I definitely believed that I still am a number of these things, like liar, jerk, faker. The only reason the label sticks is because I accept it and believe it. If someone were to call me a slut, I could reject that immediately because it is not factually true. No problem. I'd also easily reject the label moron. I know those don't apply to me and they are not part of my self-concept and who I am. But protector, loner, failure and bully are because I accepted them.