|Diary Page Fifty|
|October 4, 2003 - I don't think I am a deep person. Sometimes I feel like there is not much to me. There are so many people out there who are better than me in every way. I realize that I have to be satisfied with who I am because this is all I've got to work with, but it is hard for me to feel inspired or proud when I think that nothing I can do is really that much better than mediocre. I'm not "skilled", I have no kind of "expertise". I think I am the kind of person born to follow orders or something like that. I guess not everyone is talented or special or skilled, and I am one of the people who is not, and that is okay.
For example, my writing. Like most people who love to write, I love to read. In fact, that love came first. I read all kinds of things, all kinds of books and all kinds of articles and stories. So I know that I am not some great writer. Most of the time I don't see the point in pursuing something if someone else can do it better. Unfortunately, that's everything. I am an avid newspaper reader, I read articles from all around the world, and it just seems everyone is so much better than me it's scary. I won't even get into my songs or poems, I know those are really meant for my eyes only. Too many of my poems make sense to no one but me and other people can't feel the emotion when I share the poems with them. That's okay, I love all my poems although in the grand scheme of things, I know they aren't very good. I write songs because I absolutely love music, but that doesn't make me anything close to a songwriter. And I just don't know how to write fiction. So I don't see how being a writer can be anything more than a hobby for me. And that's nice because it gives me an outlet and something to do, but I don't feel special.
Another thing is my love of languages. Well the truth is, I am not one of those people who is really good at learning languages. I've known people who had that talent and it was amazing, but as much as I wish I had that talent, I know that I do not.
I guess this is an issue I have struggled with for a long time. All throughout my school years, while I liked being known as the "smart kid", it felt fraudulent. Quite frankly, if the other kids paid more attention in class they would have known everything I knew. Anyone can read all of the books I've read, study all the things I've studied, and therefore, what is my "intelligence"? Just a good memory. But other people are too busy pursuing their own dreams and honing their own special kills, like singing, drawing, being funny, etc. These are things you are born with and I was not born with any kind of talent. I like to teach people things but there are far better teachers. There is nothing that I like or love that isn't fulfilled better by someone else.
I just feel like there is not much beneath the surface of me. Nothing new or special.
November 10, 2003 - I don't believe in fate but I do believe in patterns. Over the years I've noticed certain things about myself, things that seem to repeat. First of all, I have noticed that January is usually a bad month for me. A new trend that I just discovered is that in the Autumn months I tend to make a lot of goals and plans and do things, but by January all of that typically falls apart and I fall into depression. Looking over this diary I noticed that it was in November and December of 2001 that I auxiliary pioneered, amongst other things. It was in November of last year that I finally went ahead and tried to get Social Security and in December that I finally started getting some kind of treatment from a psychiatrist. And it is in November of 2003 that I have decided to do the following: go back to high school, go back to my meetings, make arrangements for the field ministry, get a part-time job, get Medicaid so I can get medical treatment again, etc. Yesterday I went to the Kingdom Hall for the first time in over a year, and I didn't feel so bad either. I have already re-enrolled in a homeschooling program so I can get my diploma. I have agreed to go on some studies and maybe do street witnessing with a sister close to home. Last week I finally went to the Welfare office and applied for Medicaid, and soon I will be able to see a doctor again. I contacted Social Security and they sent me all of the information about trying to work with a disability. I already know where I am going to apply for work and I will do that in a couple of weeks. I also drew up a comprehensive plan to finally get this entire house clean and in a presentable condition. Quite frankly, I am FULL of energy.
But this cannot be confused with actual happiness or normality. I've been happy, earlier this year I was happy. When I started my diet, took my medication regularly (and this had a lot to do with my happiness), made new friends and just felt overall the happiest I ever have. I was feeling normal! But not now, this is not normal. I'm definitely not very happy, although I can't really say I'm unhappy. Right now I am manic. This is my pattern. Mania in the Autumn, deep depression in the Winter, and struggle through Spring and Summer. I've always wondered why I was diagnosed as bipolar because when I think of bipolar people I think of my mother, who has periods of mania and depression. And I'm typically depressed. But I do deal with something called hypomania, which is what I am dealing with now.
However, I may believe in patterns and I may have come to a greater understanding of my mental condition, but I DON'T believe in fate. I do not believe I am destined to be suicidal this January and destined to have my goals and dreams fall apart. This is why I am especially eager to start getting consistent medical treatment again. I must do this, as I don't think I can really control my mental illness and prevent the depression I know is coming. I am very determined right now, and it might be part of the mania, but darnit I'm gonna take advantage of it.
November 24, 2003 - Today I'm feeling strange and alone. At this moment I am feeling headachy, lethargic and just generally annoyed. There's a lot on my mind but right now the only person I can discuss things with is my mother, and sometimes I get annoyed with her and don't feel like sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with her. The whole mother-daughter thing always trumps the mother-as-friend relationship. Anyway, she knows everything already. Lately I've been a little worried and wondering about my level of maturity. I feel like I'm causing problems for myself, thinking too much, asking too many questions. At a time I should be happy I'm not as happy as I thought I would be. I'd like to lay it all out in writing in my diary but I can't do that right now.
I've started writing poems again, for a while I had stopped while I was writing songs. But poems always seem to come out just when I'm experiencing some kind of intense emotion or thought. This is kinda cool actually, I always wondered if I could ever be creative when I hadn't felt any intense emotions besides anger. Now that I am going through things like happiness, normal confusion and just all of the emotions of life, I can finally tap into my more creative side.
Well the good news is that I've gone to the public talk and Watchtower study three weeks in a row. I've had a few moments of panic but don't feel like talking about them. I'm starting to feel like not talking again, which is how I felt back in August and September. Maybe this feeling will go away. Why, just yesterday I was in a good mood. So that means I can be in a good mood again tomorrow. C'est la vie. I don't even feel like writing in this diary but I figure I have to do something.
There's this Bible study who has agoraphobia and panic attacks and doesn't go out much. Everyone figures I can help her but she doesn't really havy any "social" problem, in fact, she is very, very outgoing. Also, I've never been good at words of encouragement. I talked to her once on the phone but I've been avoiding her ever since because I don't have the energy for any more extroverted people right now.