|Diary Page 54|
|November 27, 2004 - Well I'm not depressed. I am feeling pretty satisfied for no apparent reason. But definitely not depressed. I don't think I am manic. However, some things have started to change. My sleep schedule has been severely altered again. For two weeks I never wanted to eat and then yesterday I found myself eating everything in sight. But today I am back to not wanting food. Also, today I decided to wake up early even if I hadn't had enough sleep, just so when I go to bed tonight I will be tired. I am pleadging to be up by noon every day.
But you know what, I make "pledges" and "promises" and set "goals" all the time and I reach so few of them. Because of problems with Geocities I had to go back and make changes to all of my webpages. While doing this, I read a lot of the entries and I was struck by how many plans I made that never came to fruition. Nowadays, I try not to make too many plans. I think I am in such a relatively good mood because last week I had the house to myself for the entire week while my family went on a cruise. That was actually a good experience for me, I really liked it. I got out more and came away with a sunnier disposition.
There's something else I ought to get out, now that I've looked over my past diary entries. I have a best friend now. I've known him for almost two years but we've been officially best friends since last November. I HAVE A BEST FRIEND. It's so wonderful and now he's such a part of my life that I don't think about it much anymore. But I used to be so lonely. Sometimes I still get lonely since he lives far away but I never feel the way I did. Now I know that someone can care for me, and be interested in me and not be turned off by me or think I am too weird. I used to worry about that SO MUCH, and now, I don't worry about it at all. are there times when I don't trust him, when I think surely he can't really like me? Yes, I am still insecure about that. But he likes me, he really likes me! And I really like him. I feel a connection to him and I have labeled this connection "best friendship".
So here I am. Things aren't perfect. Two weeks ago I was contemplating suicide and preparing to write my notes, but that was very hard to do. Yet I can't commit suicide without writing a note unless I am really desperate. I haven't felt that desperate in a while. But it could still come. I am not on any medication and I am very concerned about this. Things won't always be this okay.
February 16, 2005 - I feel like saying "whatever" to life. Too many problems, too few solutions, what is the point? I have made a lot of progress with my depression, trying a form of cognitive behavioral therapy on myself. Catching my "bad thoughts" and trying to think more reasonably about things. It's working as well as it can without the benefit of medication. But there will be no medication for a while. It will be months before I can even see a psychiatrist because I'm on Medicaid and there is a long line of people ahead of me. For now, I'm on my own and I'm doing as well as can be expected I suppose. You know, just now, a possible solution came to me. I just called my primary care doctor, even though she is not a psychiatrist, she should be able to help me with getting medication. At least a start. The appointment isn't for another month but that's sooner than it would be to see a psychiatrist. So there, that's handled, good.
Once again, I am lonely. But I'm trying not to complain about it, not to pity myself. It isn't that there aren't people around, there are. Carmencita has been trying to reach out to me but I haven't told her the truth about me. The truth is I don't think she knows me very well, or ever did, but it is mainly because I don't tell her. I don't trust her enough to tell her everything and I don't think I ever will be able to. I like her a lot and she likes me but she has no idea really what goes on with me or goes on in my mind. I don't tell her because I don't think she would understand, I really don't. Someone who has never dealt with any kind of mental illness can't handle me. Even people who have dealt with it don't seem very understanding much of the time. You have to really, really love me to go far with this. She wants someone to talk to and hang out with, which is what she always wanted from me. That's what we were before, why would it be different now? The problem with that is, as soon as I wig out like go a month without showering and go into a manic rage then normal people run far, far away. Or they get mad at me. Ambrosia tried her very, very best but she just didn't understand even though she tried to. Her, I miss. Carmencita? I just don't feel like starting over with another "normal" person who is going to get on me for missing meetings or whatever. WHATEVER.
Then there is my best friend. Well he is thousands of miles away and this is having an effect on our relationship. The reason why doesn't matter, it just is, even if we don't want it to be this way. I am very afraid he's going to drift away from me but I don't know how to prevent that from happening. It's not in my hands. So I am preparing myself now for what could very well happen, so it won't hurt as much. I don't think I trust him anymore, I think I am going to tell him less and less and close myself more. The thing is, lately I don't think he misses me the way I miss him, or thinks about me as much as I think about him. It's not normal, best friends are supposed to talk and have contact with each other often, right? Or am I wrong and maybe I am just being desperate. But how is it desperate to wait three weeks with no contact and feel bad about that? Am I wrong to feel bad? I've screwed up so many times with friendships that I am afraid to screw up again. Nothing is right at all. I just don't want to do the wrong thing. If I keep myself open and it ends, I will be a desperate, hurt fool for missing all the signs. But if I close myself or change towards him, then he can rightfully feel like I am the one changing things and not him. But it can't just stay the same. Oh well.
More importantly, I am not right. I think too much, I am too contentious, all of my flaws are still here and they are still strong. Again I feel like I have to become a totally different person to be acceptable. There are parts of me that are good, that I like, that other people like. But not enough for anyone to love me or miss me or want to be with me. I'm almost disposable again. I wish I could find a bipolar Witness who wants to make a new friend. That's a tall order. In the meantime, do I go all the way and just withdraw from everyone and end the suffering now? Or take the slow road to hell?