|Diary Page Fifty-Six|
|March 18, 2005 - I can dream about you...
My tears taste like chemicals. It's horrible, I want them to be salty again. I was used to the saltiness, it was comforting to me. They're also cold and I want them to be warm. Perhaps this will discourage me from crying. Right now I want to cry yet the tears are dried up. What am I supposed to do in lieu of crying? I'll write.
I don't have a best friend anymore. Suddenly. You're not supposed to lose best friends like you lose boyfriends but I guess this is what happens when your best friend is of the opposite gender. They fall in love with another girl and then their "conscience" bothers them because they can't talk to you and her at the same time. It's all quite sensible really. But no less devastating. It was completely out of my control this time. I couldn't have been a better friend. It's so strange because last night I had a long dream about him and then the first thing I read was that short email.
I wanted to lash out at him but that would be immature and I'd only feel better briefly, then I'd feel bad about ending it that way. So I'll just let it go. Let him go. It would be so much easier if I felt the same way about him that he feels about me. If I were just fond of him. But I love him. Come on, I don't use the term "best friend" lightly. How do I just turn off the memories of all the great conversations and all the poignant moments? How do I not wish for more of them?
I feel helpless. I hate it when things are out of my control! But everything seems like it is out of my control. Some people can just take control, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm so frustrated and not very optimistic about the future. I am even hating this journal entry. It's too well-written. I'm not crying. It makes too much sense. Damn Paxil! I want Zoloft back. Eh, probably would be the same.
What am I supposed to believe? That I can just go back out there and make close, fulfilling friendships? YEAH RIGHT. I'm still me. I still have no idea how to get people to be interested in me. I still have no idea how to cultivate friendships. This one was special because it came so naturally. Now I have to go back to calculating and hiding again. I have to go back to "reading people" and figuring out who really likes me and who doesn't, who really cares about my hopes and dreams and whose eyes would glaze over if I mentioned them. Who is great to share feelings with but is confused or disinterested when it comes to my thoughts and ideas. Who is great to bounce my mind off of but is uncomfortable with too much emotion. Why can't anyone just take me, ALL OF ME? For more than two years next time.
It took me all of my life to find him. So what's another few decades, right? Come on, the odds aren't really in my favor. I've seen quiet girls like me. They end up nice pioneers, old and ugly and fat, but with an air of mystery that only a likeminded person can see. They get used to being alone and they're living with or close to their parents when they're 40 years old. I have such a hard time connecting with females that I am doubly doomed. I scare girls. They annoy me. Quiet girls don't talk, loud girls tax all of my energy. They never understand me. But men. MEN. Break my heart.
Ahh when one thing goes wrong it all goes wrong. My mother is in a severe manic state. She's highly irritable, belligerent, antsy and feels like she is going out of her mind. She's argumentative with everyone, loud and she's going to drive my father crazy, I can tell. They both have tempers and she is going to stretch his patience to the limit. Times like this I am usually at my best. I can go between. I understand what she's going through and I won't judge her. I understand what he's going through and I'll support them both. But who is going to support me? Now I feel bad about even telling anyone what is happening with me. What can anyone else do about it? Nothing. If I want to make new friends then I have to "get out there" and do it. As far as the loss of my best friend, I'm not going to make someone else feel bad with my sadness. There aren't any answers. This is how it had to be. It's all quite natural, really.
On another note, something is happening to my creativity and I'm not happy about it. Being so calm even in the face of things that should cause strong emotions means I can't really write songs the way I want to write them. Something happened to my creative spirit. Was depression my muse?
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