|Diary Page Fifty-Eight|
|April 13, 2005 - I'm depressed and confused. Boy am I tired of being depressed and confused. For the first time ever, it occured to me that I don't know how to be normal and emotionally healthy because I never have been for any significant amount of time. I was depressed as a child and do not remember childhood as being any kind of happy, safe time. I was an out-of-control, strange, troubled teenager and now I'm a depressed, confused adult who accomplishes absolutely nothing and lives in fear.
When I was a child I would wet myself in school. This was happening even when I was 10 years old and up. The nurse had me keep an extra set of clothes at school, it was so bad. I was teased of course. I remember wetting myself in school at 5 years old, at 7 and on up. I remember doing it at 16! That was the last time but still, how normal can a person be when they're like that? I remember the first day of school when I was 8 years old and I felt so unliked and had such low self esteem. I remember sitting in my chair and crossing my arms and putting a defiant look on my face. I remember standing so silently and still at recess that birds would gather around me without fear, and they called me "bird girl". There were other, more negative names I was called. Mostly, I was quiet, smart and strange in a non-threatening way.
But from my point of view I was bad, unworthy, fat (they called it "baby fat"), dirty, either smarter than everyone or not nearly as smart as everyone thought (depending on my age at the time), fearful, rejected and incapable of connecting with people. I read my old diary entries and remember the things I used to say and write. I guess I still see myself as a lot of those things. I don't even know how to be the right things, how to feel the right way about myself. How do I keep my fears from controlling me? I'm such a failure at life. In addition to the pressure I put on myself, I'm overly sensitive to any sort of pressure from others, even if they are well-meaning.
I don't want to be this way! But I don't know how to change. I'll keep praying of course. How do I escape the thought that I'm WAY behind everyone else? I'm 23 years old. All of the other people my age that I know have jobs or go to school. They have friends and most are married. Even the simple things they do every day so easily, like eat right, shower, brush teeth, GO OUTSIDE, these are all monumental tasks for me. If I'm a good, worthy person, then why am I SO MESSED UP?
|April 15, 2005 - Fear is the mind-killer. Why am I so afraid? My fears control me, they absolutely control me. And I lose out on opportunities because of it. So many chances I keep getting and letting them slip away because I'm afraid. Today was a perfect example.
A sister from another congregation called to speak to my father. It's tax day, and she heard from someone else that he helps people with their taxes, and she needs help. My father wasn't home, he was at the barber shop. That's what I told her and I gave her his cell phone number. She said thanks and hung up.
But I COULD HAVE HELPED HER, and I was thinking that while I was on the phone with her. I know how to do taxes and I'm pretty good with finances. I've even helped my father before. He's taught me a lot of what he knows and I know I'm good at it. I should have offered to help her, and I would have met someone new while helping them as a Christian should. And she might have told others about me, and I could have met more people and maybe even found a way to make a little money. I would have at least boosted my self-confidence and so many other good things could have happened.
But I was afraid. I was afraid I might not know enough. Afraid I'd mess up. Afraid of what she'd think of a 23 year old girl offering to do her taxes. Afraid of being embarassed, humiliated, rejected. These are the fears that control my life. And another opportunity to connect and progess slips away.
The only real happiness I have in my life right now is my song-writing and my relationship with Jehovah. It's definitely growing. I have come to see Him as my friend that I can talk to, not just go to when I need drastic help. I enjoy praying and talking to Him about the things I wish I had human friends for. But he can actually help me, He is wiser than human friend could be and he knows what would be best for me. Since my purpose is to do His will, everything just feels right when I talk to Him. As for my songwriting, I'm very happy with my latest efforts.
Ahh well, I have to get off the computer now. My father has to do some taxes.