|Diary Page 6|
|November 2, 2001- I bit the bullet. I've been feeling good, mentally and physically (aside from some aches and pains). So I took a look at myself and wondered, 'What has actually changed now that I am less depressed and have fewer sick days?' This is in harmony with my last entry, where I lamented the fact that I had changed in my mind and heart, but my actions and lifestyle didn't really reflect it. I've decided I can't live my life afraid that I will fail without even trying. I kept thinking, 'The Depression will come back. I'll get a migraine. I'll be sued by a creditor and go to jail :)' But none of those things were actually happening.
I realized that I was not following the wisdom of Jesus' question "Who of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his life span?" (Matthew 6:27) I already knew that if I put God's Kingdom and his will first I would be okay. Jehovah God knows what we need. My mother has been telling me this for a long time but I wasn't really listening. I wasn't getting the sense of Matthew 6:33, where Jesus says "Keep on, then. seeking first the kingdom and his righteousness, and all these [other] things will be added to you." The "other things" are food, shelter, clothing and all of my necessities. I have to stop worrying about getting a job or getting sick or whatever. Being worried and being concerned are different. Concern is appropriate as long as decisve and correct action is taken in accord with the concern, or as long as it is recognized that there isn't anything that can be done and just move on.
So anyway, since my schedule was basically very open (let's see Mondays? SLEEP Tuesdays? STUDY, WATCH TV Wednesday's? SLEEP, WATCH TV, etc.) I decided to put together a schedule for preaching in the field ministry. Since right now I have no other righteous commitments I have decided to spend at least 50 hours this month sharing the kingdom message with my neighbors. I have a very workable schedule. I have also figured out a way that I can keep this schedule even if I get a job. All of this I did after fervently praying to Jehovah and setting my mind and heart aright.
It's a new month and a new life and a new appreciation for Jehovah. I am off to a great start and I am really enjoying myself. I'm glad to be out there. This is my job. This is my career. And if anyone asks, that's just what I tell them. My mother has been of great help, she always works with me and takes me with her out in the ministry. I prayed for the strength and the wisdom to do Jehovah's will and right now I do think I have been blessed.
November 15, 2001- It's been a glorious two weeks since I began auxiliary pioneering. Right now I've been bitten by the flu bug, but thankfully it hasn't set me back all that much. I've been thinking about my major life goal, which is to achieve success and happiness.
The December 15, 2001 issue of the Watchtower was very timely for me. It features several articles on Jesus Christ and what we can learn from him. Since you're all (whoever you all may be) privy to Danielle's Life Course, I've decided to share some of what I have gleaned from my meditation on Matthew chapters 5 through 7 (along with some verses in Luke and Mark), aka the Sermon on the Mount.This will change my life if I put what I learn to use. Every day for the next 31 days I will meditate on a few verses.
Starting with Matthew 5:3-9 (please look this up in your Bible). For someone who has suffered with clinical depression, these verses are very special to me. Jesus is telling us that our overall attitude should be HAPPINESS. Now that I've taken medicinal measures to correct my brain chemistry, what can I do to be a happier person?
The first thing Jesus said is that those conscious of their spiritual need are happy. All human beings have an innate spiritual appetite and it is even more important than the physical appetite. When I'm not eating enough bread from Jehovah's table I become weaker and weaker spiritually. Our spiritual staple is the Bible. I admit that I haven't made much of an effort to read the Bible daily, although I basically do it accidentally when I consider the day's recommended text or do some personal study. I further weaken when I miss opportunities to be fed by Jehovah's earthly organization, which Jesus calls the "faithful and discreet slave". Lately I have been improving my spiritual eating habits. I have attended meetings except for the two I've missed due to the flu, and I have read my Watchtower and Awake magazines completely for the past few months, and the scriptures. But to be happy, I must do better.
Over the past few years I have been actively applying the principle found in verse 6. I was raised in the Truth and I was raised with a knowledge of the Bible. I know that Jesus is king and that soon his Kingdom will crush all others. I think it has been somewhat easier for me to look to God's government for relief rather than to anything man has to offer. Still, I mourn over the pitiful state this world is in. I know that the technological advances, the philosophies, the money, all of this just covers up the sickness.
I am not content with my lot in life because this isn't it. I am not content with the person I am today because I know I can be better. I've always wanted to do the right thing, but it takes constant prayer and awareness to work towards righteousness. In the end, it will take cleasning by Jehovah.
I've also been thinking about mercy and forgiveness. Grudges cause a lot of stress. Showing mercy to others shows them the way of mercy. I have a duty to teach through my actions as well as my words. Not only will I be happier but perhaps I can bring happiness to someone else. Bringing happiness to others is always what I wanted most. I can't imagine being happy myself without the happiness of others.