|December 7, 2006 - Maybe there's another place where hopes and dreams aren't such a waste...
In this world you could cry every day and never reach the bottom of your tears. Never find the depths of your pain. This world always has a little more pain for you, sometimes a lot more. It is supremely disappointing, the great frustration. I feel a little depressed right now, but I look around me and realize that everyone I know is depressed! Everyone I love is depressed to some degree or another. Everyone is stressed nearly to the breaking point. As for the rest of the world, people are so bitter, sad, angry and desperate. In every continent you can find places where there's fighting in the streets every day. People so sad and angry they can't bear to live anymore with anyone else, and certainly they can't bear to live with themselves. Doesn't matter if you push the pain out and hit at everyone around you or if you slowly digest it for yourself, it all ends up the same. Pain and wasted blood.
Yet at this moment I am very grateful. Right now more than ever I know that Jehovah is there, and He will keep His promises. He promised that He will not let his servants be tempted beyond what they can bear. If one of his servants can't last another two hours in this pain, Jehovah will ease it to give them another hour. And another after that. Sometimes there are large obvious blessings, but the largest blessing of all is His support every day. I have seen it at work. We all complain and hurt but we stay alive and keep going through it. And then there is the ultimate promise, the promise of joy, now, in this system of things. I've seen that too, I've seen joyful servants who had very little in the way of material things or even family to be around them. I know now that true joy from the spirit isn't a matter of being happy all the time, but always having hope and living as if that hope has been fulfilled, because you know what? It has. The hope has already been fulfilled and will continue to be. We already live in paradise, a paradise of brothers and sisters who love you without seeing you, without obligation, without conditions. A paradise where questions are answered. A paradise that is all the more beautiful because the future promises to be even better. Those who have joy can see this paradise, but Jehovah loves us so much that He can help us all to see it. He will open our eyes. It could happen today, tomorrow, next year and Jehovah will keep His servants going until it does. Thank you for that.
March 3, 2007 - I've been touched, I've been cherished....
Things I've learned about myself in the past year:
I always thought that I had no passions, but I do: music, personology, hope.
I always thought that I had no long-term goals and lacked the ability to form them. The truth is that when I'm not depressed, I can think of lots of things I'd like to do. Now committing to them, that's another thing.
A lot of times I think that surely now Jehovah has withdrawn His spirit from me. I do very little in the way of serving him, I go long periods of time when I don't feel like I can pray and sometimes I purposely refuse to think about Him or his people because I feel so far apart. And then....I'll pray and often within days my prayer will be answered. This just happened to me last week and it's happened to me many times before. Now I am beginning to understand the depths of His love and patience. I've learned that I really am one of His sheep and that means He'll go to great lengths to bring me back when I am lost. He will still bless me. I am not a goat.
I've learned that I am not really afraid to try new things. I'm excited by new ideas, new perspectives, new people and new places.
I've learned that I'm willing to try grand new ventures at short notice, but the longer between the intial idea/impulse and the fruition, the harder it is for me to keep any enthusiasm. For example, I went to Michigan a few years ago and California last year, for time periods ranging from weeks to months, on very short notice. And I loved doing that. I love throwing myself off the cliff and wondering where I'll land; in fact, I frequently have fantasies of flying without wings. On the other hand, if I'm planning to go on a trip with friends but the trip won't be for months, by the time the trip comes around, I'm over it already. I'm going to have to work to keep my enthusiasm, but at least I know this now.
As much as I've avoided hard work, I've learned that I'm actually invigorated by challenges. I always identified myself as the "A for achievement, D for effort" kid. But the right kind of challenge is a joy and can lead to a transcendent experience. I've just got to do the work to figure out where my talents and inclinations lie. But this kind of work is great, even if it is challenging.
April 2, 2007 - Girl, I been waiting for you all my life....
The last month has been really good. In January I hired a life coach, a therapist who works with you to help you identify and change the destructive life patterns that get in the way of self-actualization. This particular coach uses various exercises and assignments to help me identify what's really important to me, what I value, and then to ascertain what would be the best way for me to live those values. The assignments are based on the things I tell her about myself, my life and my goals. Some of the things that I have discovered have really changed the way I look at things. I am much more optimistic and I'm actually having a good time living my life. For years in my prayers I have included a thanks to Jehovah for giving me life, but I don't know if I've ever been as thankful as I am now, for the existence of Danielle.
The only problem is I'm going through this alone. I feel like new relationships are just around the corner, because I am getting ready to really blossom, and I'm almost ready to make my debut. An exercise we did last week could be the key to a transcendant moment, and I want to say more about that so.......