|Diary Page Seventy-Three|
|March 10, 2008 continued..
I was talking about feeling like I am a weak person. I don't do hard things. I don't practice. I do what comes easily to me and as I get older that is less and less. Still, I recognize that I have grown and changed in many ways so there must have been times when I took a first difficult step. But why are things so much harder for me? Why do I have to be so strong to accomplish the simplest things? Or is it that I am a weak person and I just wait until what once was hard is easy, and then do the bare minimum?
Take this decision to go to college. First of all, it was done very impulsively. If I'd had to put any thought into it I would have thought myself out of it as usual. I've certainly considered going to college before, and I've always decided not to do it. Yeah sure I can say it's because I didn't think it was right for me spiritually, but that isn't true. I mean, I am a spiritually weak person and I don't usually make decisions based on what is the right thing to do spiritually. No, I think my real reason for not going to college had more to do with the difficulty involved. It just seemed like a lot of work, deciding on the right college, and going through the application process, writing essays for scholarships and admission, and then having to deal with being back in school for four years, having to travel and have my time consumed, etc. I think all of that had way more to do with why I never went to college. So why am I going now? Because they called me, they made the admission process super-easy, getting financial aid was easy, I never have to leave my home, I only have two classes at a time, I can do everything on the computer in my own time, etc. The hardest thing about this experience so far is curtailing my bad writing tendencies (wordiness, total disrespect for the rules of grammar, etc.).
So it seems to me that I waited until what once seemed hard became a lot easier, and only then did I do it. Oh I make so many plans, I have so many ambitions I really do. But I am not an ambitious, driven sort of person. I have written down so many goals and dreams and they all seem doable. But I do not do them except haphazardly. Going to college was probably on a list of goals from two years ago or something. And finally now I am doing it. I am just always so far behind, and what am I doing in the meantime, between ambitions?
Or maybe because of my illness it is genuinely harder for me to do things that are easy for well people. Maybe I should be commended for what I have managed to accomplish. That's certainly the attitude most people seem to take when they hear about me. Unfortunately, I can't really feel that perspective. I see it, but I don't feel it. Because to me, I've always been weak and lazy and unambitious. Most of my childhood is a cloudy blur, an unpleasant time of shadows. I think I utterly wasted my teenage years, which may not seem that unusual, but to me it's a big deal. I mean, that's nearly a decade when I did nothing. Made no lasting friendships, did no traveling, had no adventures, did not pioneer, did not even finish school. I feel like I indulged all my worst feelings, and I wasted time being suicidal and so utterly depressed. I feel like I had assets and wasted them. If I'd done more with my childhood maybe I wouldn't be so critical, but oh man did I waste my childhood. I gave up my innocence early and gave up on the joy of being young. Now I didn't do any of this intentionally, I know that. But I'm so afraid that I am doing the same thing now. I was 20 when I started this diary, now I'm pushing 30 and I'm still very much the same. I want to look forward to the years to come, look forward to increased maturity and deeper experiences. But I have a history of wasting what I've been granted in a spectacular fashion.
Then there is the emotional weakness. I swear I don't feel as deeply as I am supposed to, and that is why I can do nothing truly great. My songwriting has really fallen off, I wrote maybe 12 songs all of last year, when I used to write that many in a month. I don't feel much of anything anymore. I just feel a little on the surface. It's like I am massively repressing something. But what? Right now I'm more inclined to think that there isn't anything there that I can ever really touch because I am not strong enough for the journey.
And I know, I know that the worst thing is being spiritually weak. I'm going through one of those phases when I don't even want to look at a Bible. I do think about spiritual things rather often, but that's it. Now I know I'll come out of this phase. I go through this every single winter. I know that Jehovah has not withdrawn his spirit from me, I have to have faith in that. He is very patient with me. Okay, maybe I'm not spiritually weak, but how would I know if I was or wasn't? It's not like I become a pioneer or regularly attend meetings even when I am doing better. Maybe one meeting a week, maybe I study for all of them, but that's about it. I don't talk to anyone anymore because I'm so fed up with myself and I think you get what you give. If I project uselessness, people will think I'm pretty useless. So I don't talk to my Aunt Neine, because what can I tell her? I don't call Ambrosia because I'm just too selfish to be supportive for anyone. I have no strength, I am weak, WEAK, and I am tired.
I am weak physically. I am weak mentally. I am weak emotionally. I am weak spiritually. And I am weak of character. What are you supposed to do about a fatal flaw in your character?
March 15, 2008 - Like a willow I can bend...
I think it's a good thing that I can get so down on myself but it doesn't really last. I mean, I'm sure I'll be down on myself again soon, but it's not like it breaks my psyche. Self-criticism can lead to change. I don't know if my self-criticism is over-the-top or if I'm just being really real with myself. It doesn't really matter, I hate pretending there is nothing wrong. I did take some steps this week to improve myself and my life. I don't know if I would have if there was no critical voice. I do listen to other voices though, I have an ongoing one that gives me hope.