|Seventy-Five's Silly Colors|
|August 13, 2008 - are you holding back like the way I do...
Last night I was watching some old clips from the Olympics and I started crying. I haven't really cried in a long time so that was a good thing. I haven't cried because I haven't really felt anything. I have wanted to feel so many things but I don't think I have felt anything really deeply. And I don't even know why I was crying at the Olympics. At first I thought I was crying because I could never be so perfect and I could never have such a perfect moment. I don't know if that was the real reason though. It might not have even been anything so negative.
One thing I do know, I am starting to feel pretty desperate. A very quiet desperation. No one else is privy to it. I am not blowing up and getting angry, in fact, I've been much less irritable than usual. Obviously I haven't had a lot of crying fits or bursts of anger. On the flip side, I also haven't felt particularly inspired or passionate about much of anything. I occupy myself every day but I look at all of my interests and know that they are all ultimately frivolous. One thing I am definitely not doing, and that is building up treasures in heaven. I've started to slide back into old bad habits but it's hard to even get upset. Ah, I don't really belong anywhere at all. I am not completely alone or hopeless, but that just makes it worse. Something is expected of me and I don't know how to deliver.
In therapy I have started looking at a lot of my...issues, for lack of a better word. My biggest issue continues to be the fact that I am a big fat liar. At this point, I think I've hidden myself so much from other people that I've lost track myself. I don't believe anything anymore, including my own emotions. Ach I feel very empty. I don't have a hole in my heart so much as my heart seems to have disappeared into some black hole of its own. This is the seventh year of this diary and where have I gone? What have I done? Who has loved me, really? And who ever will? And why would they? My life has absolutely no purpose at all. I can't even live for someone else because there isn't anyone who needs me. I feel like a prime candidate for an abusive relationship. Just need to feel something at all, a rush. I kind of hate good people sometimes. I'm insanely jealous of them. I'm not and never will be really good. It just never seems to stick. Why are some people so grounded and level? Everybody has their problems but some people have a reason to exist. I can't really believe how useless and wasted my life is right now and the scariest thing is that I don't have a clue where to go or what to do.
Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I am on the brink of letting go of the need to be in control. Because I have no control. I don't have a CLUE. I hate to say these words, really hate them, but I DON'T KNOW.
August 16, 2008 - If you just realize what I just realized....
I have a lot of issues to work through and I'm grateful to have a good therapist. I'm realizing that
I am neither as messed up nor as great as I thought I was. The more balance in my perspective,
the more I feel like I can be a part of the human race just like anyone else. The more new strengths and weaknesses that come to light, the more nuanced my perspective becomes. The thing about my
therapist, Joanne, is that she's the first person I have fully trusted in a long, long time. I trusted my
life coach, Vicky, but she wasn't really working with me on my mental issues or on my childhood
or anything like that. I can't remember fully trusting any of my friends except perhaps Daniel, and
then he eventually told me that I was just too much, too weird. So I learned a lesson from that,
no matter how wonderful the other person may be, if you trust them with everything then they
will be forced to leave you alone. That just made me feel alien and unworthy. Then there are all of
the people I haven't trusted because I didn't think I'd like their reaction to me. So whether I've
judged people as too above me to be trusted or too beneath me, it still works out the same. I
vacillate between arrogant bitterness and self-loathing.
I didn't even know I had this bitterness until last winter. I didn't know I had all of this anger inside.
Now it seems obvious, when I look at my history of being a fighter. I feel like I always go over the
top in my attempts to balance out my lack of power. That's one thing that keeps me so withdrawn,
I think. If people saw how much fire I have inside they'd surely reject me completely. I don't give
anyone the chance to reject me, I reject them first. But peace is what I want more than anything.
I fight because there is no peace. That seems weird, to fight for peace, but I think it's true. For me,
peace means everyone being respected for who they are. Peace means space and time in order to
truly exist. Peace means juggling a lot of balls in the air, making sure no one's self-worth hits the
ground. Peace means calm. My vision of peace is not completely healthy, especially since my way
of avoiding conflict is withdrawing altogether until I just.can't.take.it.anymore and then I blow up.
Is there anyone who can handle me? I don't know. I almost typed "I don't think so" but the truth is that I don't know. I've changed my mind, I'm not so bad or crazy or awesome. I don't know what I
am exactly and maybe I never will. Soon I hope to know enough about my person and my life so
that I can actually try being this person and living this life. I have to stop putting myself down at
the same time I stop building myself up so much and rationalizing. I don't know if I have to do both
of those at the same time or what. I don't know how any of this works. Patience.
Ha, this diary entry was actually supposed to be about me realizing that my strengths are not necessarily the weaknesses I took them for. For example, I do all of my homework assignments "at the last minute. But they come out exceptionally well and I'm proud of them. And I have never been late with one. So what if I work better closer to the deadline, what is wrong with that? Nothing, but I didn't know that. So now I do. I feel pretty good about that, it's yet another thing that's not wrong with me.