|This page is for Terrell Owens|
|February 27, 2009 - give her what she wants when she wants it and how she wants it...
A question has occurred to me, I'd like to know the answer. If there is one. Why when something is good for you AND makes you feel good do you not do it anyway? I mean, they say "eat your peas, they're good for you" and maybe that's not enough of a reason. But what if you LIKE peas? Why do you eat the salty, unpleasant french fries anyway? This is my question, and of course, "you" is me. The latest conundrum: going to the meetings. I've started up again with going to my Christian meetings and you know, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't really uncomfortable, and I felt like that's where I needed to be. My whole future is in Jehovah's organization. Career, passion, helping people, finding friendships, romantic love, becoming a better person - it's all right there. RIGHT THERE. And not only is it good for me, but man did I feel good when I went. That was Sunday. So why'd I miss this past Thursday? Why why why? Of course, this doesn't just apply to going to the meetings, this sabotage happens with all manner of things.
I guess getting better is still going to be such hard work. I have the strong suspicion that this part now is actually the hardest part. No more major crises, just little screw-ups every day. I'm starting to become aware of what's really good and valuable in my life and what's not, but that is no guarantee that I'll go down the right path. It's somewhat disappointing, or I should say I am disappointed in myself. I'm not really used to that feeling. I know what hating myself feels like, and I definitely know what not caring about myself feels like, but this is something altogether different. I have strived to avoid disappointment because I felt I couldn't afford it, not when I felt like everyone else was already disappointed with me. Someone had to be on my side and that someone was me. But no, when I'm wrong I'm wrong and now I'm disappointed. I guess the next step is getting over it and doing better. How? Do I just have to do it? I hate "just do it" but it's true. I do know what to do, now I have to do it. We'll see.
April 24, 2009 - I notice how the patterns change when the light hits it a certain way...
Last week was a wonderful week. A whole WEEK was wonderful, and that's saying quite a lot for me. I have been doing better and better for the past few months. I've been moving slowly and evenly and building a strong foundation. My therapist said I have been steadily moving forward and that's the important thing. A solid, healthy foundation is what I have lacked for so long and now I have to build it on Jehovah. This is so so hard but it is happening.
Last week I got a glimpse of a possible future. I went to visit Ambrosia and spent a week with her and some of her other friends. And I was so different yet I was definitely me. Man I laughed and laughed. And I also cried a few times, about things I really wanted and needed to cry about, and that was good. In Ambrosia I saw some things that I would like to be: a strong, spiritual person with goals met and goals to meet. I had a great time with her the whole time and that is a genuine first. I actually allowed myself to enjoy the company of other people, oh my goodness whoda thunk it?!
And I talked to men and women, people of all ages, and I had a great time socializing and making friends. And we went out and we danced and danced and had long talks and told lots of jokes and I wore makeup and dressed like a Grecian princess (was there such a thing?) and ate fancy dinners like lobster and steak (in the same night!) and argued and made up and went out in field service for hours and commented at every meeting and studied and took no naps and it was all completely absolutely fabulous.
May 31, 2009 - I make you into a song...
Sometimes I wish I could live in music. I'll be so consumed by a song that I really just want to disappear into the music. I just don't think I can ever express my heart the way music can, and sometimes I really wish I didn't have to try.
Well since I can't I still futz around trying to make the best of this life here. A real life. I'm rather good and calm most of the days now. I have more of a spiritual life. I pray more. I went to both days of the assembly for the first time in years. And it was wonderful. It was so different because it had been so many years since I really experienced it that I had to rewrite all my conceptions. It was rather like a business convention or seminar, where you go to learn and pick up insights. But I didn't really have an adult concept of these spiritual conventions and assemblies because as an adult I always struggled just to attend them at all. So I still thought of them the way I did as a child, as these long, draining, sleepy things filled with people. I was really surprised all through the first day because none of those feelings were there. By the second day, I could enjoy it as an adult.
I talk so much to people now that I am feeling talked out. It's hard to write and be social at the same time. I do not feel whole either way. I don't feel right writing anymore and I don't know why. Maybe because I am talking to and about myself? And maybe my world isn't so self-focused anymore? Heh, "my world." Yet there is so much of me that I mute when anyone else is around. I don't feel like screaming anymore, and I don't even feel so antsy anymore, I just feel weird. Like hmmm, this isn't quite it yet now is it?
Time for homework.