|Diary Page Nine|
|December 5, 2001 -- I wish today could be one of those definite days. One of those days where I am sure and confident and I know exactly what I am supposed to do. Unfortunately, today is not one of those blessed days. Today I am questioning everything and doubting and deciding if I need to change something. These days come to often for my tastes. But I guess we just have to take what we get and do with it what we will.
Last night we didn't have our family study. So we're supposed to have it tonight but I don't like the fact that we keep missing the day. And of course, last night there was yet another big argument and everybody had to apologize to everybody else afterwards. We're supposed to be working on our contentiousness, and I think we are, but progress isn't what I'd like. I am working on my own contentious nature and I think I have improved. I think. I still become angry sometimes but I always apologize later and make peace. That's a big improvement from the way I used to be.
I really wish I could make everyone feel better and give everyone the confidence and faith they need to succeed. How is it possible for me to have it if the people around me do not? I'm just going to be dragged down. Nobody listens to me. And of course I can't withdraw from them because that won't improve the situation. So what am I supposed to do? I don't think I can succeed without everyone else. I can't leave my family and friends so they all have to improve and start working on their goals also. But I also know that I can't be in control of anyone else. I can't make anyone do anything. I have been unable to get anyone to really listen, sometimes people hear what I say, but they don't process it. Maybe they're not ready yet, but I have so much I still have to do myself, how long can I hold myself back?
See, I have always believed that one should be willing to sacrifice oneself. I would sacrifice anything if it helped somebody else. Would I sacrifice having a good relationship with Jehovah God? Would I sacrifice my ministry in order to, say, get a job? Would I sarifice my peace of mind to try to solve someone else's problems? I think I have to make these sacrifices. I don't see any way out of it. If someone isn't praying for themself, I have to pray for them. I have to do it. Who else is going to do it? No one. Because I'm the only one that knows everyone's situation. Why? Because they tell me. My friends tell me their problems. My family tells me their problems. I know all of these problems and I have to fix them.
See, I believe that if they would all just trust in Jehovah first then he would provide. I believed in it and I had faith in it and I was blessed. But they don't all seem to be ready to do that just yet. I understand, I wasn't ready for 20 years. And I know I'm probably going to fall again. So I understand the human tendency. That's also why I can't just ignore the situation.
Maybe I have to have more faith. Maybe I have to believe that Jehovah won't let any of his servants fall, so I don't have to save them. Yes, that's it. I know Jehovah must be aware of their problems too.
So what should I do? I don't think I know how to be supportive without taking action! I've never been any good at platitudes or soothing words. I've given all of the advice that I can give, I'm just repeating myself with these people. Yet they keep coming to me and telling me about the same problems. So what am I supposed to do? I wish I could forget them, but I could never do that, it isn't in my nature. I feel like I have to protect people from pain. And everyone is in a lot of pain. So forgetting is not an option. Perhaps I could get fed up. For goodness sakes, they know what they are supposed to do! What am I supposed to tell them? They know they need to pray, they need to study, they need to meditate, they need to get help from those whose job it is to provide such help, they need to associate with spiritually strong people, e cosi via! I've got so many problems of my own, I have so much I have to figure out.
I don't think I am strong enough to handle this. I'm feeling lost and I don't know what to do. If you haven't figured it out, here is the problem.
I have family members and a few friends who aren't doing so well right now. They all have issues. I see and hear them moping about, sad and depressed, hopeless and in pain. They have all shared these issues with me many times. I have listened and listened, I have given advice, I have shared scriptures, I have prayed and I have refrained from being judgemental. So now what? In my heart I know that now I am supposed to just be supportive and help in any way possible. But they're not doing much to improve their situation. They're stopping and starting. I'm not trying to be down on them because I HAVE BEEN THERE. Just reading my diary will reveal many of my own stops and starts. I've been mopey and sad, depressed and hopeless, and in a lot of pain. And I have also felt alone and without support. I don't want any of them to have to feel that way on top of everything else. But I am at a loss as to what I can do about it. And all of their problems are just killing me, I am starting to feel hopeless again because things will never improve if they don't improve for everyone.
For example, I have a friend who is not doing anything spiritually and calls because she is tired and loaded down and wants to get better but she thinks it is too late for her. How many hours have I spent on the phone with her? I can't count. I have offered to come get her and take her to the meetings and take her out but she is never home when the time comes. I know this, it's avoidance. She's afraid, I understand, I've felt that way too. But I don't know what else I can do. I feel like the ball is in her court, but on the other hand I still feel like I have to protect her somehow. I have to do something more, but what? Now I don't answer the phone when she calls, I can't go through it again and I don't know what to say! But I am incredibly guilty over this.
And this same situation is repeated with other people I am close to. They all have serious issues, and they aren't necessarily doing what they must to help themselves. They all confide in me and I try to help. Little changes. But I just can't abandon them!