Diary Page Ten
December 6, 2001 -- No, all of my issues weren't solved in one day. I do feel better now. I just reminded myself that I clearly have to work on applying Matthew 6: 19-34 in my life. I am so anxious all of the time. Even when I start to feel laidback and when I have confidence and when things are going well inside and out, the anxiety is right there, ready to overtake me. I've always been an anxious person, I have always worried about everything. I KNOW that I shouldn't be so anxious and worried, but it still comes up. It's definitely one of my biggest obstacles right now. It's almost like I feed off of it, like I need the anxiety somehow. I know that it's a personality pitfall and it's just one of my special burdens. And the truth is, I feel so much better when I throw my burdens on Jehovah. But now the thing is, if I can't come up with my own anxieties, I'm trying to take the anxieties of others and make them my own. Who appointed me savior?

January 2, 2002 -- I think I'm going to start taking my medication again, just for giggles. I'm not depressed right now but I am worried about it. Winter is always my worst season, and January takes the cake. December didn't leave me feeling too jolly either, but I didn't really regress, so that's good. So many bad things have happened to me in January, especially mentally. And for some reason, major events always happen in January, and change always has some kind of effect on a person. But this time I hope it's for the positive. Also, February marks six months since this whole venture started, and I do have some goals I planned to reach.

Two of my goals for February were to become a regular auxiliary pioneer (average 50 hours a month in the preaching work) and to have some kind of income, preferably a job where I can work-at-home and determine my own hours. During these first six months, things had become rather flexible. For example, while it is more difficult, my household can do without any extra income I would bring for the time being. The reason I left my last job had to do with my mental health and my deteriorating physical health. Physically things aren't much better and mentally things are very, very tenous right now. I have to be very careful, I can feel it. One thing I really do not believe I can handle is a full-time, 9-5 job. There's a lot of other stuff I've never discussed here that do have an impact. For one thing, I'm not your average "I hate mornings" kind of girl. In the morning my headaches are always worse, sometimes unbearable. I'm not all there mentally, which is why I am quietest in the morning. On the other hand, after 10pm I am on fire. It's when I do most of my thinking, when I am my most innovative and when I do the most work.

Well anyway, it became clear that my father, while supporting my pioneering, really wanted me to go back to work and didn't really understand why I wasn't working and why I was being so picky. At first I was a bit resentful, because I feel he never listens to me. It's not like I haven't explained all of this to him before, many times. But when I share my feelings he doesn't remember. Well, after I got over that, I just decided to make him happy so I have taken a job, full-time, 7am-3:30 pm with a nice long commute to boot. A very steady, respectable job. I remember the morning I went in for the final interview, he was upset because I got up late (I admit I was trying to throw the interview) and he thought it would hurt my chances. I was filled with such dread that morning. I felt in my heart that this was a bad decision for me. So what if I keep the job for two weeks? I don't think I'll be able to hack it, and I won't be able to pioneer either. Daddy will just wind up disappointed anyway, and everyone will be unhappy. My mom drove me to the interview and I griped the whole way. While at the company I prayed fervently to Jehovah to help me with my attitude and to do his will. I got the job and it starts mid-January.

So is it hopeless? At first I thought so, but then I decided not to give up. So I began searching for night jobs outside of the home. I have a schedule all worked out so that I could continue pioneering and work. I think I'd be much happier. I haven't found a night job yet but I am looking in earnest, I hope to find one before this other one is slated to start so they will have some time to find a replacement. A sister at my congregation has a night job that sounds really good. And night time is my favorite time anyway.

I had other goals, one having to do with friendship. I am so confused about that right now. You know my friends, C, S, D and E, aka, Carmencita, Shemelia, Daniel and Esteban. Shemelia and I have tried to talk but I think we have just drifted too far apart. I think my ignominious exit from the company where she still works has definitely added some tension. I was fired by them last January(!), very unpleasant situation. I could get over it, I don't care that she still works there, but I think I'm just starting to realize that maybe she isn't over it. She has a LOT going on in her life right now, and other friends that interest her more. You've never "heard" more uncomfortable silences than when she and I are having a conversation. So okay. Carmencita, Carmencita, Carmencita. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. She doesn't have much to do with Jehovah now. I am just not that interested in her worldly pursuits. She wants to go on trips or hang out and I just can't do that with her. OTOH, what if she hasn't made her decision but my abandoning her causes her to leave Jehovah? I know, I know, ultimately it is her responsibility, but I want to be a good friend. I am really unsure about that situation. See why my mood is worried? I don't have any issues with Daniel, we don't communicate much anymore. The only thing that saddens me is the fact that I feel like I have lost a good friend. I don't know how he feels about it, I do know that I was closer to him than he was to me. So I don't know if he feels like he has lost a good friend or not. Don't wanna speculate on that.  Does that mean our current lack of friendship bothers me more than it does him? Am I supposed to revitalize our friendship in a new incarnation or let it go? I'm inclined to let it go, but is that because I always like to abandon things, because I have been a quitter most of my life? Or is moving on COMPLETELY the right thing to do. I'm okay not having any kind of communication with him at all, but that isn't because I'm mad or upset. My mind is just in another place now. Every now and then he creeps into my thoughts primarily because now I don't have anyone to talk to at all. And that's starting to affect me more than it did, say, a month ago. I also wonder what's going on with him, but the moment I realized that he was never close enough to me to care if I wondered about him, then I actually felt better. Did that make any sense? It's not supposed to be a bad thing but the statement still doesn't look right. And then there's Esteban. You know how that is. I can keep smacking myself on the hand saying "bad girl, call your friend" but that isn't working. SIGH

So I was trying to make new friends. There's a young woman in my congregation named Carol. I like Carol. She is energetic, intelligent, spiritual, fun and I think she is a nice, kind person. Carol is also manic depressive and speaks her mind and a lot of people avoid her. She is off-putting to them. I completely understand why they feel that way, although I don't condone the fact that people talk about her behind her back. I HATE that. The fact of the matter is, I do not feel put off by her at all. I like being around her, I seek her out. So I decided to just go all out and we are supposed to hang out together next weekend. I want to make the best of this, I don't want to screw this up.

Am I being negative, thinking I have failed my other friendships? Is that my "savior-syndrome" again?

Home Page if you're so inclined....
This may seem odd and out of place here, but this has been on my mind a LOT lately. So if you want to know what's been on my mind...GO EAGLES! Maybe someday I'll explain why football is my favorite sport.
My mood improves...Diary Page 11