Diary Page 17
November 13, 2002 - I was thinking about my recent diary entries and it seems to me that I only record an entry on this website when I am depressed. It has been a while since I recorded an entry when I was feeling okay. I don't think I have much to say but since I am feeling okay, I thought it only right to record it.

I am dedicated to just taking my medication and focusing all of my energy on getting to my meetings and then out in the field ministry. I also want to take better care of myself physically. I am not working although my employer is still holding a position for me. I really don't want to quit this job because I actually like it. But I had to take this time.

The medication isn't a cure but my mind is clearer and I feel more like the person I truly think I am. I don't think it turns me into a different person. I'm not always depressed or anxious. I don't know how to feel about my lack of meeting attendance. I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty. I know that I would be going to the meetings and out in the ministry if I were not depressed. I know that the depression is not my fault. I know that most of the friends and my family are supportive and not judgemental when it comes to this. I'm not feeling as lonely as I used to feel.

Sometimes I am downright giddy. Right now I still don't feel like doing anything but I don't feel bad either. I feel okay and I feel like giving myself more time.
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December 7, 2002 - I've been getting sick for the past few days. I definitely feel a major bout with the flu coming on. I really hate the flu. If I had stayed at my last job I would have been able to get a free flu shot and flu shots have been keeping me flu-free for the past three years. Not this year though. The flu makes me feel so miserable.

Tomorrow we have our special one-day assembly. I've thought about going and I have the desire to go. I feel like I have been missing out on spiritual food. I know I am missing something. It's strange because I was raised as a Witness (we call it "in the truth") and all of my life I have heard the analogies to physical food but I guess I never really took it completely seriously. It's hard to imagine that the longing for something that isn't physical can be felt as strongly as hunger pangs. But it is true. I know with all of my heart that I am missing something that I need. I can't pinpoint it exactly, except to say that it is definitely the "spiritual food" and association that I would be getting if I could go to the meetings. There is nothing that can replace what I am missing. All the things that I spend my days doing (mostly consuming everything football related, watching tv and sleeping) are incapable of making me feel complete. Really, I could take them or leave them.

As much as I know that I miss spiritual food I also know that right now I am far from where I need to be mentally to be able to digest the food. I really do want to go to the assembly tomorrow but right now it is like asking a blind person to see. I won't stress myself out over it. But Jehovah can make blind people see so I have hope. Right now, whatever I need, it is just not there. I'm probably going to be sick for a long time but I am not distraught about that anymore. I'm coming to terms with my mind and my limitations and I feel like I am really in tune with myself. I am very depressed but I am understanding of myself. I've been combatting the stressful thoughts that come when I worry about money and there is truth to the power of "positive thinking". Or for me it is really the power of not thinking at all. I think too much. So I have had to work on not thinking about certain things and this is hard for me.

This coming Thursday our electricity is scheduled to be shut off and I have absolutely no clue what to do about it. So what is the point of obsessing over it? It isn't my responsibility, but I am such a controlling person that I make everything my responsibility. I want to give up the control to Jehovah. It is easier said than done but I do feel like I have been making some progress. Baby steps I guess.

In lieu of going to the meetings I have been thinking about trying personal study. I feel that if I can peruse dozens of news articles about the Eagles and know the ins and outs of football, then I should be able to study from time to time. I've tried it a few times, I studied the Watchtower a few weeks ago. I make sure to read every new magazine that comes out, even though it takes me longer than it used to. This is a way of getting spiritual food and the more I do it, the better and more satiated I will feel. I have to have faith in that. Strangely, part of me is scared to read anything substantial. I don't know why.

I have started the social security process by applying for disability. I am trying not to be scared about this but I am scared of the government. The government does not seem to be very understanding or caring at all. Still, income is desperately needed and right now I have exactly $5.36. The electric bill, like many others, was my responsibility. It is so hard to not feel terribly guilty and upset about all of this.

Okay, there I go again. I'm going to stop thinking about that.

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