Diary Page Eighteen
January 11, 2003 - First I'd like to thank everyone for the kind messages in my guestbook. I always read them as soon as Yahoo notifies me of their existence.

Back to my life, I don't know what is going on right now. Ever since I started taking this medication I haven't been in any kind of mood. I haven't felt good or bad. Apparently this is common with lithium but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I guess it is better than being out of control or crying all the time. I have been taking it faithfully because I really want to get better. I'm going to do it this time.

I still can't be around people. I've tried a few times, but even the thought of it makes me extremely nervous. I went to see the doctor and sitting in the waiting room was torture for me. I'm just so anxious all the time and I really don't know why. I know it is social anxiety but there isn't anything in particular that I am afraid will happen. I'm just anxious. But I'm not depressed and that is good.
January 20, 2003 - I think I may have mentioned the fact that January is usually my worst month of the year. Winter time is usually not a good time for depressed people and January feels like the darkest month of the year. For me, bad things always seem to happen in January. I've figured out that it is really just normal things, like being fired one January or starting a new job another January. It is just that because of my mental state, I don't handle these things like normal people. Well this January has gone surprisingly well. I see by taking my time and taking my medication regularly and just doing the things I need to do to get better, I am relieved of a lot of stress. I don't feel guilt about missing meetings and field service because I know why that is and I know it will change. I do feel bad about it from time to time but it doesn't launch me into a depression. I think I have been depression-free for over a month now. It is a great feeling. And I don't feel manic anymore either. I'm not exactly sure what I feel, maybe this is what normal feels like.

I've mentioned my love of football before. In particular, my love of the
Philadelphia Eagles. Yesterday they were the team responsible for the WORST DAY IN PHILADELPHIA SPORTS HISTORY. That is not an overstatement, everyone agrees about it. Philadelphia is in the midst of its own Great Depression. It hurts my stomach to think about them. That's all I'm going to say about that. CHOKERS. I still love them.

Have I mentioned that I live in Philadelphia? This is the first time I've even thought about that. There have certainly been enough clues to guess but I usually have no interest in sharing personal information like that. I have no problem with sharing intimate, private things. I just never think about obvious things like that. Yet being a Philadelphian is a big part of who I am. Well I have lived here all of my life. In the same house since I was born. That's the way it is for a lot of Philadelphians. Few people leave and few people move here. I'd really like to leave and at one point I thought it was the source of my depression and I couldn't stand it anymore. Right now I am just resigned to it for a little while.

Back to sports. It is amazing to me that none of my friends like sports, in particular my guy friends. I actually don't know about Esteban, I think he may be a baseball fan, or maybe basketball. But in general they don't seem to be sports fans. How ironic! I'm a girl who loves all kinds of sports and I could gladly sit with a beer and watch football and I love Sports Illustrated. Read it from cover to cover. I'm also an intellectual yet I am very down to earth. I'd give anything for a female friend who likes sports but I realize that's probably asking a lot.

Don't get the wrong impression, I actually don't have many friends anymore. Esteban is my friend and that's about it. My Aunt Neine is my friend too, at least I think of her that way. But she's family and while a family member can be a friend, they actually know you too well. I'd like to make a friend who can become like family. My friend Carmencita was like that in some ways but I haven't seen her in a long time. She's not in the truth anymore as far as I know. I think she may have been too pretty.

I wish I could sing. People look at me and assume that I can sing, but I can't. It is possible for me to sing so at least it isn't painful to hear. But I love great singers and I wish I could sing too. I love music so much, and I have no aptitude for it. I learned how to read music and forgot it just like that. My bass mystifies me and I don't think I have the fingers for it. Musical terms and such go in one ear and out the other. Maybe it is because music is related to math and I am really bad at math. I just saw my kitty cat and I love cats. Okay, that was off-topic, back to math. I don't know how to do long division and I don't understand fractions beyond the basics. So how did I always get As and Bs in math? Because I am really good at being a student. I can always listen and repeat but with math I've forgotten a lot. When I was in the ninth grade I took my SATs. I only took it once because I figured out that I didn't need to go to college. Anyway, I got a 1200 which is okay. In fact, it sounds really good for a ninth grader until you learn that I got a 750 on the English portion. So that means I got a 450 on the math portion (oh look I can add). And that is really bad. I think. Anyway, I was totally at a loss for most of the questions. And it isn't like I hate math, I would like to understand it. I don't like not knowing something, especially simple things. But on the other hand, I really don't care about math. I am smart enough to realize that math is really important just not smart enough to care that much. You know what, I don't really like science either but I understand scientific topics with ease. It's just something you need to know about. Science and math are related too, and that's the area of science that I ignore. This is kind of pathetic now that I think about it.

EAGLES YOU BROKE MY HEART. Okay, that's enough. Okay, one other thing I just thought about. I know people read my website from time to time but no one ever sends me an email. I haven't figured out why but I do know I have never put an email address here. Well if anyone ever wants to email me I will tell you that Yahoo email addresses are comprised of your username@yahoo.com. Look at the URL and you will easily discover my username. 

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