October 12, 2001 -- Migraines are still pretty bad, but I am still unmedicated. No treatment means no improvement, duh. I've been seriously thinking about going back to work because I am in a ton of debt and my parents are too poor to bother for money. But I know I won't last at a job, nothing has changed. Drat. I feel like I'm an unemployed loser living at home with her parents without even a high school diploma. Well, perhaps other than the loser part, that's what I am. If I were depressed, that statement would really bother me. Right now, it's just..interesting.

Oh shh, our secret, I'm not taking my meds anymore. I went on vacation and got out of the routine. I know, I know, it's bad. I'm afraid that if I tell anyone that I'm not taking my medication, then anytime I become angry or in any way negative, they're going to attribute it to mental illness. I can't stand that. Don't I have the right to be angry sometimes? As long as I'm not irrational or uncontrollable? I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now that everyone knows I have been prescribed antidepressants. I'm not allowed to feel. And yes, I will take them. Remind me tomorrow.

Not to worry, I still don't think I'm regressing back into depression. But I have been thinking a lot lately, and we all know how dangerous that can be. I've just been reflecting on a few things. I figure that since I'm not depresssed, and I don't have much to do, I might as well do some reflecting. Mainly, I've been thinking a lot about friendship.

I'm just trying to figure out what I want out of the whole friendship experience. Why am I so dissatisfied with my past and current friendships? Is it them or is it me? I've always believed that the common denominator is the answer. The only thing all of my friends had in common would be me. So I must be the problem. I'm the reason I am dissatisfied with my friendships. But I don't want to harp on that, I want to now find a solution. What do I need to change? My expectations? The way I choose my friends? The way I treat my friends? Much could be learned from exploring the reasons behind the questions.

Let me examine my close friends of the past, current friends, and learn from these experiences what I want from future friends. Let us take close friend number one, E. E is an online friend. When I met E, he was my only friend. At the time, he had another close friend, who he knew in real life. His friend didn't like me. It hurt me that E didn't always choose me. I was 16, what did I know? E and I lost contact, but in the last year we have talked several times. As far as I can figure, E does not have any close friends now. He really enjoys talking to me. I don't want to lose his friendship. But I don't think he is meant to be my best friend, because I don't feel the connection. Is that so bad? No, but I have to be careful not to lose his friendship because he really values me as a person. That's nice. And I think he is wonderful.

Close friend number 2 is C. I met C in high school. Some people call high school hell. Think of it what you will. Anyway, when C and I first met, she didn't really have any close friends either. I really cared about her. Then C became popular and joined the popular clique at school. But she didn't ignore me. She just wanted me to join the group. Well, the group didn't like me. We're not always meant to like the friends of our friends. So although she and I still hung out and talked, we drifted apart. I couldn't share in her newfound friendships. C leaned on me a lot for support but she seemed to lose interest in me as a person. I couldn't lean on her. After I left the school, our friendship took a blow. Hasn't quite recovered. But I love her.

Close friend number 3 is S. S was a friend of my family before she was my friend. But we instantly connected. S was already popular in my congregation when we started working together and we became close. She was the popular girl in the popular group. They didn't dislike me, they were just indifferent to my existence. And S never really learned on my for support or tried to support me, nor did she share anything with me. I'm not sure if that's a friendship, but still, I understand her and she understands me. When I left that job, our friendship took a blow. Hasn't quite recovered. I love her a lot and wish her well on her upcoming nuptials. She forgot to invite me.

Close friend number 4 and current close friend is D. D is an online friend. When I met D, I was still rather close to S, but she was caught up with her soon-to-be-husband, so we were naturally cooling off. E and I weren't talking, and C was still with her other friends. D was my only close friend for a time. He always had another friend, but he was still my close friend. With D the connection was like BOOM! I haven't quite recovered from finding D. At first, we were both sharing things and very interested in one another. We got along great, had a lot in common, had a lot of great discussions. I felt a sense of belonging and he did too. Then D found his group. He was the popular boy in the popular online group. Sound repetitive? Well, I didn't feel the same connection with his group, but I thought I'd give it the old college try. Never went to college, that's probably why I failed. We all met and spent time with each other. He and his group are still gushing about the trip and how wonderful it was to meet each other, etc. Well, the group didn't like me. We're not always meant to like the friends of our friends. Yep, I just copied and pasted that. Soon he'll feel torn just like C felt. And to make it easier on him (and perhaps on myself), I'll leave and he'll bond with his friends even more. He never shares with me anymore, hasn't in a long time. You know the story, you send someone a long email, they send you a short one in reply, but they gab for hours with their other friends. I probably wouldn't feel this way about it if I hadn't found out how he is with other people. He confides in them, even talks to them on the phone! A lot! And I thought he didn't like the phone. When he is feeling down or in need of a friend, it isn't me he calls.......Ack I'm going to bed.    

Back to Page one of my Diary. Back to the beginning...
When I awoke, Diary Page 3.