Diary Page 20
Still January 26, 2003 - That would have been so refreshing if I actually had a lake to jump into. If the tub drain worked I could go jump into the bath but unfortunately it's all showers in this house. Besides, the water is never hot enough for me anyway. I do realize that a hot bath is the exact opposite of a nice cold lake in just about every way but it is just as refreshing. There are so many things I want to do when I am on my own and one of them is take hot baths whenever possible, with all kinds of bath scrubs and scents and oils and all that good stuff they say women should have. Oh, and lots of hot water.

Sometimes I think I need to be born again, literally. I need to just go back and start over. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes, but this is
my diary. Of course, I am not really sure what I would keep about myself if I could start over. There are good things about me, but sometimes I am not so positive about that. It seems like every time I think there is something good I am put down in some way. It seems like I am deluded about the so-called good things. But if that is the case, then that would make me an overall bad person and I know that can't be true, if therapists are to be believed. Besides, no one would care about me at all if I were a bad person and there are people who care about me. One could make the argument that they don't really know me but if they did then they would know I am bad. But I'm too old to believe that.

Anyway, the things I would keep about myself. Well, on the whole, I like my personality. It is my personality and I might as well learn to love it. I like being quiet. In general, I like the fact that I am sensitive to certain things. I don't like noise or bright lights and I never will and that's okay with me. My family doesn't know it but when they leave I turn off every light I can. I love that. I'm afraid of the dark but I seek it out anyway. I wonder why. Anyway, I use that word too much. ANYWAY ANYWAY ANYWAY I have to get it out of my system. I don't use that word when I am speaking nearly as much as I do here. There has to be another transition word I can use.

I'm starting to feel like going to bed. I'm not sleepy but I get tired after a few hours. I like to just lie in the bed, and everyone says that is wrong. But it is my favorite place to be. It is where I do most of my reading and all my best thinking. Okay, I do a lot of good thinking pacing back and forth on the dining room floor, but my bed is just as good. Unfortunately, once I go lie in the bed, it isn't long before I actually do fall asleep. Something else I would keep about myself, my love of blankets. I love them so much and that is one thing I can't stand about the summer. Thankfully, I can use a fan or better yet an air conditioner to make things cold enough so I can use my blanket. No need for such in the winter. First of all, winters in Philadelphia can get very cold. Secondly, my room doesn't have a door and there is a broken window so my room can feel the full brunt of the weather. So I really need extra blankets this time of year and my parents have a great big blanket. They won't let me have it even though they have another blanket and they don't even use the one that I want. Not only that, but since they have a door they were actually using the fan the other day!!! Using a fan when it is 36 degrees/F outside (or 1 degree Celsius as I learned with my new weather calculator thing). That is just sad to me. I don't even get a door.

I would also decline to give up my love of cats. I adore cats. I love all animals and strangely enough, I don't really like big cats (lions, tigers, pumas) at all. I like all dogs but not as much as I like cats. If dogs were cleaner I'd like them more. We have a cat and a dog. My cat was living on the streets for a year until we took her in, so she is not really sociable at all. I think over the years she has come to love us but she rarely shows it. Basically, we're here to feed her. Lately she has let me scratch her behind the ears. The dog is worse. He is a long-haired chihuahua and he only likes my mother. He doesn't care about the rest of us at all, THE UNGRATEFUL LITTLE RAT. He barely even looks my way. And she doesn't feed him or clean up after him. She doesn't walk him. No, but he's her baby. Still, he is absolutely one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen. At the same time, my mother hates the cat and the cat feels the same way. Both animals respect my father, and I find that hilarious. How do they know that he is the head of the house and must be respected? I don't know, but they definitely respect him. The cat could care less about me but she adores my brother. She actually loves all men. I don't know what to make of that. She'll let my brother rub her and pick her up and all the things she absolutely won't allow me to do. The dog and my brother are mortal enemies. And neither animal cares about me at all. The dog doesn't even notice me most of the time, and I love him. I gaze longingly at the cat but she ignores me too. I am invisible to my own pets. And I probably spend more time with them than anyone else.

The last few days I have been getting out of the house. Each time it was to walk to the store, but it felt good to breathe fresh air. It has been so cold that the streets are relatively empty so I didn't have to worry about that. Thankfully there isn't much ice because there are few things that scare me more than slipping and falling in front of people. I know that scares a lot of people but for someone with social anxiety problems, it is enough to cause a heart attack. I have been afraid of this for years. I also feel really bad when I walk up to a store and it is closed. This is extremely embarassing and I don't know why. But if we are going out to dinner and we drive up and someone needs to check to make sure the restaurant is open, I can't do it. I start to shake at the thought. Well last night I was sent to buy something to drink for dinner. I went to the closest store, and they had just closed. My heart was pumping but I was able to just walk to the next one. Not only had they just closed, but the owner was just staring at me and that made me feel really bad. The third store was the charm, but these stores aren't really close together. Not only did I not feel like doing all that walking, but I was extremely embarassed. Again, thankfully there was no one around to see this happen because of the cold. I honestly can't believe I recovered from it so well. I can think about it now without shuddering and this is a real sign of progress. This probably seems really silly to someone who is not in this situation. I guess I should be embarassed but that's life as I know it.

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