January 30, 2003 - There are weeks where I alternate between feeling restless one day and reflective the next. Today I am feeling reflective, again. I was trying to think of ways to occupy myself. There was a time when all I thought about was money and bills. It would keep me up at night. Well I haven't thought about that in a long time and it has done wonders for my depression and some of my anxiety. I don't know what is going on with the bills but I know we'll always have what we need to survive as long as we remain faithful to Jehovah. So now I don't know what to think about or what to do with myself. I guess I spend a lot of time preoccupied with my illness and that's not much good either. Maybe if I found other things to do besides watching TV, sleeping and thinking all day, then maybe I would feel better. Maybe I wouldn't focus on my loneliness so much. There are things that I could do. I still wish I could be more creative. I'm not much good at drawing or painting or things like that. I can write and I need to figure out something to write about. I know a lot about myself but I don't know how to turn that into anything but this diary. I do have some ideas but I need more time to flesh them out. I'd like to write poetry but it has been years since I did that and I need more inspiration. Maybe I could write another play. Or another short story, I wrote a number of those in the past. But I was always best at writing articles. Oh well, I will think on it some more.

I miss people. Not really any people in particular, just being around them. You can always learn a lot from being around other people. Well I always did anyway. There's also some comfort in having companionship and I haven't experienced that in a long time. Social situations weren't all bad. I've been thinking about social gatherings. Sometimes when I went to social gatherings I would just sit by myself or wander around. Other times I would volunteer to clean up or serve food. I enjoy doing those things at social gatherings. But I suppose that is not the purpose of a gathering. I don't really think I was avoiding people. I just didn't know what to say or how to say it. Also, if dancing was involved, then I was in trouble. At weddings the only people who ever dance with me are my father, my fleshly brother and sometimes other sisters (and they get bored with me after a while). I see the other sisters dancing with brothers or even with their female friends and they always seem to be having so much fun. They're usually much prettier than I am but not always. I don't know if I really want to be a wallflower but it just ends up that way. Older friends tell me to get up and dance but I have a lot of trouble dancing by myself. I just wish I could be more outgoing. I think if you radiate the right attitude then people will want to be around you. I want so much for people to like me and want to be around me but I don't know how to show it. This is very frustrating. And now it is even harder since I am scared to be around people. I just don't know what to do.

I want to go to dancing classes. I've heard that you can go without a partner and they will provide one but I don't know how that works. I am a little wary of that. I've said before that I love all kinds of dancing. And I think dancing is for people of all ages, shapes and sizes. I'd like to try different kinds of ballroom dancing, latin dancing, swing dancing, even country music dancing, any of it. I love them all. There are also types of dancing that you can learn individually, like ballet, modern dancing or belly dancing. As for the first two I don't know if I'd have the skills to take up either one and I still haven't worked out the whole belly dancing thing. I'm not sure if it is something Christians should engage in or not. I know I looked it up once in the literature and I have forgotten what I found out. Anyway, I've heard that perhaps it was some kind of mating ritual so I don't know. I do know that I do it a lot when I am in the basement by myself because that is the way my body naturally wants to move. When I say that I can't dance I don't think I really mean it. I actually believe that all women can dance. I think women's bodies are naturally very sensual and drawn to movement. That's just my belief though. Just like I believe all brides are beautiful. They are to me.

On that last note, I don't know how I feel about weddings. I think they are very nice and even if it is hard to plan, I guess the end result is well worth it. But I have always been much more interested in marriage than in weddings. I've often said that I don't care where or how I get married. My parents got married by a judge but most people I know get married in the Kingdom Hall. It isn't that I am not interested in weddings it is just that it is not very important to me. I suppose it would depend on what the groom thinks. If he wants a big wedding than I will do it and do all the things brides are supposed to do. But if he doesn't care or if he wants a smaller wedding, then that would be quite alright with me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only thing I think about when it comes to my wedding dress is whether or not it will be easy to go to the bathroom. I don't want to be a princess or any such thing. The marriage itself is so much more important but much of the time people don't plan for that at all. The number one cause of disagreement is money. So to me it is very important to know prior to marriage how each partner feels about money and such. Some people like to be extravagant and I am all for extravagance if you can afford it. Some people like to travel a lot, but what if one partner likes to travel and one is a homebody? Well the one who'd rather stay home might resent spending so much money on travelling and that is just one example. Money isn't the only thing to be considered and it isn't even the most important thing. Spiritual goals should also be considered. What goals does each partner have, short term and long term? And are those goals compatible? Another thing is romance. Some people are just more romantic than others. And people are romantic in different ways. It might be difficult to go into too much detail prior to marriage and some things you don't find out until you are in the bedroom. But is the groom a rose petal kind of guy or not? And how does the bride feel about romantic gestures? Will she be disappointed or feel unloved if he isn't very romantic? Or is she willing to look past it or find other ways to be romantic? I for one am not a flower person because they always die on me. I do try to take care of the poor little things but it doesn't work out between us. And sometimes I think flowers can be a forced gesture from guys who don't really feel all that romantic.

I admit that when I was younger I didn't like to be around girls at all and much preferred guys. I guess they call this a tomboy. So now I don't do a lot of the girly things, like wearing makeup or liking shoes. I don't think there is anything wrong with those things, I just don't have any desire to do them. Lipstick feels funny, I don't even wear chapstick. I'll paint my nails if I have the time. I don't know anything about blush, eyeliner, or mascara except it looks bad on women when they cry. Makeup seems very complicated. I like to keep everything simple. My friend Carmencita tried so hard to reform me because she was very much a girly girl. She always wore great clothes, great shoes and the right makeup. On top of that, she was very beautiful anyway. Carmencita was very sweet and she wasn't snobbish at all so that helped. But I could just never get into it without feeling silly. High heeled shoes hurt! And I do have a few pairs but they hurt terribly. What do women need all these shoes for? They look very nice but they don't feel that way. I wish Philadelphia was cleaner like Toronto and I could walk around barefoot. I don't like clothes, I don't like shoes, I don't like makeup, I don't like frilly hairstyles. Why did Adam and Eve have to screw things up and make people feel bad about being in their natural state?

I may not be a girly girl but sometimes I am jealous of the things pretty girls get. Carmencita and I were doing street witnessing one time and this guy was driving down the street. He turned all the way around just to talk to her. I stood there the whole time but he didn't even notice me. I was quite invisible. She refused to talk to him unless he wanted literature. But still, that's the kind of attention and interest I could never dream of in a million years, and I mean from brothers, not worldly men like him. Carmencita always had so many brothers interested in her. I was older than her and never experienced that in any way. I still don't know what that is like. I think perhaps  you don't even have to be pretty, you just have to be special.   

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