Diary Page 23
January 31, 2003 - Today I am in a good mood. In fact, today I feel very humorous. I feel like being funny today. Some sarcasm with a nice dose of wit and a pinch of hilarity. This is like contained giddiness if there is such a thing. I wish I had someone to be funny with right now. Today I feel like I can do anything although I still don't feel like actually doing much of anything. I'd better figure out something because I absolutely don't want to watch any more television. I like the internet but I can't stand pop-ups. They make my computer do bad things. And computers are already prone to doing bad things so why encourage it? My computer is over 2 years old and by today's standards that is old. But it is the first major thing I ever bought and I don't want to part with it. Then again, it gave me major credit card debt so maybe I should pitch it out a window. This family does not know how to take care of computers anyway. And we have kept every computer we ever got so I think that is 4 or 5 now. We still have a computer from 1993. Actually, it works rather well considering. It can't print or dial out but we don't use a phone modem anymore anyway. Oh, and I'm pretty sure it has Windows 3.1, not completely positive anymore. Certainly nothing more recent than that. It is a dear old friend. But it is piled up with the other computers right now, including the one I call the "bad computer". The bad computer lasted only five months before it went crazy. It caused many sleepless nights and hours of my time but it was quite belligerent. It just went to sleep and refused to wake up, even when I eventually gave up and kicked it. Kicking would wake me up, but apparently some computers don't respond to such methods. You know what, I don't think anyone out there really cares about my computers and so I guess I won't either.

That's strange. This is my diary and it shouldn't really matter if it is online or not. I should feel free to talk about whatever is on my mind. But I have such an overwhelming desire to please and satisfy others so I don't want to bore anyone. I don't really know how to deal with this. On the one hand, I like the fact that I think of others before myself and that I am not selfish. I'd do just about anything for anybody. On the other hand, I should feel free to be myself. If these are my private thoughts and I want to make them public they should still remain my thoughts. Right? I suppose. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to say or what to do. I suppose everyone feels that way sometimes. Especially young people. I like being young. When I was younger I always wanted to be older. But right now, I like my age because it means I have time to do anything. I don't really feel 21. I don't feel anything. I feel rather ageless. Some things I do are typical for people my age and some things are not. I don't know if I know myself well or not. Is this the age I am supposed to start finding myself? Apparently finding oneself can be a lifelong project. I like projects and the more time to complete them the better. Then again, I also like to get things done. So I suppose it depends on if this lifelong project is enjoyable or not. I guess that is up to me.

I am going to try an exercise that was recommended to me. Apparently I am supposed to think of ten good things about the kind of person that I am. I think this is going to be very difficult for me but I will try it. I am worried about coming off as conceited if I write good things about the kind of person I am, but I'll just have to deal with that worry. You know something else that worries me is that people who know me may read this and think of examples where they think I was not the way I say. Once I wrote in my diary that I didn't think I had ever harmed anyone or done anything to make any enemies and someone wrote me and said that I did. So now I really don't know what kind of person I am, but I guess that is the point of this exercise. That's just a wild guess.

1. I am a generous person. I am completely willing to give anything to anyone. I am willing to give my time, money, food, sympathy, myself, whatever the need may be. The happiness of others is extremely important to me.

2. I'm rather open minded and willing to learn about anything. I realize that I do not know everything. More importantly, I want to know as much as I can. I don't like to form any kind of judgement without knowing all of the facts, and since it is rare to know all of the facts of a given situation, then I refrain from judging most of the time. I love knowledge and above all wisdom. I want to be a wise person most of all. I am willing to listen and change. My love of learning has no boundaries.

3. I love people. I know that Jehovah loves people very much and He has treated us as his special ones. I feel the same way. I love everything about people. We are all so different and we can learn so much from each other. I love all kinds of languages, cultures, traditions, native dress, etc. I love all kinds of personalities and I enjoy learning about them. I want to understand our differences and I wish we could all embrace them.

4. I am not egotistical. I do not think too highly of myself in any way. I realize that I am not perfect and that there will always be things I can improve upon. I would not be so presumptuous as to think that I am better than anyone else. .

5. I am spritual and faithful. I know for a fact that Jehovah exists and that He cares for His creation deeply. I know that it is possible to have a relationship with Him. I understand the relationship between the spiritual and the physical and I understand my spiritual needs. I have very strong faith in Jehovah and I cannot imagine how horrible it must feel not to have this.

6. I am very loyal. I stay true to my loved ones and I always try to be supportive. I feel blessed to have the companionship that I have and I hate to lose it.

7. I am always willing to adapt. Different situations call for different behaviors and reactions. I stay true to my God-given principles but everything else is free to change. I'd like to put myself in many different places and situations so I could learn more.

8. I am a good listener and observer. Most of the time I do nothing but listen. Sometimes when people are in pain there is no better way to help them than to listen. I also don't want to miss anything going on around me, because everything is interesting and I am always learning.

9. I care very deeply for nature and the things Jehovah has provided for us. I honestly believe this world and its creatures are the most beautiful things in existence and Jehovah gave it to us.

10. I know when to be level-headed and when to let go and have fun. I can be very impulsive, but always good-natured. There is a time for everything as Solomon wisely pointed out. Why limit oneself? I have a great sense of humor. 

That wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. That was rather nice. Those are nice things I wrote and I know they are true. I feel better.
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