Still October 12, 2001 -- Okay, I got some sleep. There's a lot more that I wanted to say about friendship. I didn't have any intention of ending on such a negative note. Anyway, I have already given my brief summaries of why my close friendships have faltered up til now. I should mention that my friendship with E is faltering because I don't call him or return any of his phone calls. A perfectly nice, intelligent person who likes me and wants to be my friend and cares about me, and I'm not returning his calls. What is up with that? He called me a few days ago. I tried to return his call, I had the phone in my hands. I just couldn't do it and I don't know why.

But what about my other friendships? What are my expectations that aren't being met and do I want too much? First of all, I want a best friend. It's always been very important to me. I wanted one as a child, I wanted one as an adolescent and I still want one now. I think everybody would like one, but I think it is even more important for introverted people like myself. I believe that as we change and grow older we can have more than one best friend throughout life. But I think everybody is entitled to at least one a lifetime. When I think of a best friend, I think of someone who understands my sense of humor, someone I can laugh with. I think of someone who is my confidante, AND WHO REGARDS ME AS THEIR CONFIDANTE AS WELL. That is very important. I've had people who felt they could confide in me but I didn't feel I could confide in them. I've had a friend that I could confide in, but who never confided in me. I've never had the give and take that I think is necessary to go from being a "close friend" to being a "best friend". A best friend is someone you trust -- you trust them with anything, including your life. One of my most valued possessions would have to be my mind. Another one is my heart. If I trust you with my thoughts and feelings, then that is a significant threshold we've crossed. But after my experiences with D, I now know it is equally important to me that my friend be able to trust me. A best friend would also be able to understand the way I think, and I would be able to understand them as well. That doesn't mean we think the same way, I had that with S. That's nice, but unnecessary. We just need to be able to understand each other. A best friend would feel comfortable with me and feel that they could be honest with me.

Okay, so that's a picture of my idea of a best friend and that's what I want. It is very possible that every time I make a friend I am expecting that person to become my best friend. After all, I make friends so rarely. I make a new friend maybe once a year, if that. And I never have a lot of friends. But I don't think it is fair of me to expect that of my friends. Maybe I just think that if we were best friends, then they wouldn't abandon me. I just want someone to care about me for me, and to think I am a valuable person, and to want me in their life. I want to enrich someone's life. I want someone to think about me. I want to make a positive difference for someone. I want someone who always supports me and/or sticks up for me, and knocks me on the head when I'm wrong. Yes, I want love, but love is natural between best friends. But having a best friend is not my only expectation, in fact, it's really just a dream.

I want my own group. Everybody else gets to have a group, a club, why not me? I must fit in somewhere, I must belong somewhere. I want my friends to want to be around me whether or not it's in a group setting. I want my friends to understand that just because they like me and I like them, that doesn't mean their group will feel the same way. And I want that to be okay. I can understand that when you have a group and you feel like you belong, it must be very exciting. I know I'd be psyched if it happened to me. C and I don't even go out anymore unless her other friends tag along (or actually, unless I am the tag-along). And D hasn't indicated that he even wants to see me. We met once, with his group. He hadn't indicated before that he wanted to meet me just to meet me, shouldn't he have, if I'm his friend? Don't you want to meet your friends one-on-one? He's an introvert, I know he wants that. And I know he has met some of his other friends in the group one-on-one. But let me not harp on him, it's not fair. My relationship with him is a lot more complicated. It may be more complicated from my end than it is from his, I don't know, because he doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

Anyway, lemme see, do I have any more expectations? Not really, or at least none that I can articulate at the moment. But now I want to write some good things, why I love my friends. Actually, it looks like that will take a whole other page, but that's okay, I just have a lot to say today.

It would be cool if somebody ever wanted to write or talk about why they like me. Because sometimes I wonder. This last trip that I went on, with D and his group, several of them brought along notebooks and one brought a shirt. These were for everyone to write a message about the person who owned the item and how they felt and why they enjoyed meeting them and spending time together. Sheesh, I don't want to sound too negative, but I just think it's a fact that it would not have been a good idea for me to bring along one of those. I'm just not significant enough to anyone in order for them to have enough to say about me. I wonder why I feel so invisible?! I think my notebook would have had a lot of, "Nice to meet you", nothing really inciteful.

But I think it's also true that there is nobody out there who really, really dislikes me. I don't think I have made any enemies. I don't think I have overwhelemed or overburdened or really hurt anyone. That's a good thing to say. I don't think I have taken unfair advantage of anyone. I don't believe anybody out there has reason to hold a grudge against me. Sure, there are people who are uncomfortable or indifferent. But I don't have to feel shame over any of my relationships.

And now, a page completely dedicated to my friends because I love them a lot. I used to think friends were unimportant, but I know better. I'm not really a loner. I am a social person. Other people matter to me a lot.
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