Diary Page 31
February 6, 2003 - Okay, now I'm starting to hate my poems. I read other people's poems and they are so much better than mine. I know I'm not a poet but I don't know what else to write. What is the point of writing more mediocre poems? Although I never think they are mediocre when I write them, only when I read them later. When I write them they are like my children borne of hard labor. So I suppose I should respect them for what they are. They may not be good, but they're mine.

I must resist believing that I am mediocre. I do have some talents and I have something to bring to the table. I just haven't figured out how to put my abilities to the best use. I want to be a Giver, that's the theme I want for my life. So how can I use my talents and abilities to give? I'm sure there are many ways. I wish I were wise enough to know. That comes with time. I don't want to live my life quickly, but I do want to live it convincingly. I don't like feeling like I am just drifting around.

I've changed my sleep schedule so I am awake much of the night. Why not? If I had something worthwhile to do during the day then I would try to do it. Until I figure something out I might as well awake when I feel I can accomplish more. I can easily change it back. I used to do it a lot when I was younger. I can fall asleep at any time, whether or not I am sleepy. I can't resist it once I am in the bed. I used to have a lot of trouble sleeping but since the depression and general anxiety have gone away I have been sleeping like a baby. I only stay up when I am faced with dealing with people the next day. And I am trying not to force myself into situations I can't handle yet. I think that is best right now. But I won't let it all be a waste of time. I will figure out what to do with myself, I must. I'm so happy not to be depressed anymore! That's probably an obvious statement. Anyway, I feel so much better. I am much nicer and I have a lot more energy.      

I'm still thinking about getting out of here and into some relaxing, natural setting. I suppose I will have to wait until spring and go to a park in another neighborhood. There are nice parks in this city, just not in my area. Philadelphia has the largest urban park system in the United States and much of it is beautiful. It is rather far away from my neighborhood. I don't drive and even if I did I wouldn't have a car. The family car is spread awfully thin because my brother goes out in the ministry every day and when my mother is not with him she is going to one of her MANY doctors. Someone always has the car. That's why I haven't gone to the library yet. I know I could easily spend a few hours there and one of them would probably drop me off. I just don't know how I'd get home. I used to take the bus all the time but I haven't since I became sick. The thought makes my skin crawl but that may be my only option.

I was watching romantic movies today. I don't know why. Anyway, I wonder what it is like to be in love. I love my family and I've loved some friends but I know it isn't the same. I do know what it is like to have a crush, or be infatuated. Having a crush sounds so innocent compared to infatuation, it is such a cute euphemism. Means the same thing though. Anyway, I've had many crushes. Like many young girls I had them all throughout school. I've had fewer as an adult and I haven't had any in a while. But I haven't forgotten the feeling. The problem is that it is usually unrequited (or always in my case) and worse, it isn't based on anything substantial. I have had a few crushes based on mental attraction (because they sure were ugly physically) but most were not. And I have never had a crush on someone I knew well. But I digress. As for love, I've listened to songs and I have heard poetry. I am very romantic but not really in a way that can be seen. I don't know about flowers and candles and all of that stuff. There's nothing wrong with any of that, I'd guess it is very nice. But I am more the kind of girl who would skip buying anniversary presents in exchange for a nice weekend with my spouse. Now everyone needs some solitude, but other than that I probably would want to be around my loved one a lot. I don't really know exactly because I have never even been close to being in love. But I am just going on my own tendencies.

And as for dating, I don't know about that either. Dinner, movies, all of that doesn't really mean anything to me. Okay, I love movies, but not for companionship. I don't have anything against traditional dating methods. But I don't think I would do it that way at all, just not my thing. For me, dating would just naturally follow from a friendship that has become something more. So we would do the things friends do but with an eye to compatibility. Enjoying each other's company. Working together in the field ministry. Talking for hours on the phone. I don't know, that's just what I would like. I am rather flexible in that regard, I suppose. You know what, I think I am so noncommittal because I'm assuming I am not going to get many opportunities and I don't want to screw it up. But that is not the proper way to look at things. I can have my own preferences, although they may not be set in stone.

My mother was beautiful when she was my age (she still is). Of course, my mother was also married when she was my age. But I mean prior to that. I was talking to her about it today. She had a lot of dates. She had brothers writing her letters and calling her. She had so many interested in her, from a tender age. She was so popular. I don't think I'm pretty at all, certainly not compared to my mother, not even close. I don't care if people say I look exactly like her, that is only in all of the bad ways. Heh. When I was in school my mother had to come for awards ceremonies (because I was such a good girl she didn't have to come for any other reason hehe). I remember several of the boys at school talking about how pretty she was. A few years ago she was in a coma and when she finally came home from the hospital, my teacher Mercedes was bringing me home that day. She saw my mother in a very natural state and blurted how pretty she was. My father wasn't bad either. And my brother is very handsome, although he won't hear that from me. So where in the world did I come from? I'm not horrid but I don't stand out the way they do. Not even close. Well okay, I admit that my mother is generally very well put together. She pays a lot of attention to her hair, makeup, clothes and shoes. She is always being complimented on her outfits, and I am...well...not. And I admit that is mostly my fault since I don't care about any of those things. I wonder how pretty I'd be if I did?

I know beauty is only skin deep. I am very satisfied with my mind and with the person that I am. My mother also told me that it isn't all about beauty on the outside. There must be inner beauty and there must be that special "glow" that just attracts people. There are people who are not traditionally beautiful but they have no problem getting a date. You know what, the rest of my family is a lot more extroverted than I am. That draws people. I don't know how to make myself more extroverted, especially now. I'll think about it. Well I feel a little better about this but not much. Either I change my entire personality and outlook or I stay ugly. Decisions decisions. Well, ugly is a very strong word. No one has ever told me that I am ugly and I have been insulted many times. Invisible isn't the same as ugly. I just feel ugly, I really don't like the way I look at all. I have a lot of time to think about all of this stuff. Perhaps I can do something about it while I am stuck home.   
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