Diary Page Thirty-Three
Same Day, Same Thought - As I was saying, I think it is hard for people to feel close to me because they do not understand me. That goes for family members as well as everyone else. But I like feeling close to people. I'm just afraid that they will not accept me or want me around. I wish I didn't have to be this way. I do so wish I could be like other people. Oh no, I'm about to cry again. Can't help it, this is a topic close to my heart. I have no desire to stop thinking about it, not if I have this diary to get it out of my system. I guess this is the same thing that bothered me before. Trying to figure out why people can't feel close to me. I still don't quite understand why I am so weird. I may not be like most people but this is not in a threatening way. So what is the problem? Don't people want to have diverse friends?

I would never want to be a hermit, completely closed off from civilization. I just like to be up in the middle of the night and I like to keep my foods ridiculously simple. I'm harmless, really. Well I am afraid to open myself up to being rejected again but I am just as afraid to push anyone away. In my mind, it goes hand in hand. It is like I am protecting myself from rejection by closing myself off and thus they can't try to get close to me. In a way I feel like I am protecting them too because they would only be bothered by me just like everyone else. I don't know why everyone else is, I just know that they are. The other thing I can do is just be as nice and friendly to them as I can so they feel comfortable with me. I'd still close myself off to them so far as letting my entire self shine through. But this way they can receive the full benefit of my friendliness and empathy. And my good humor, because people like to be around funny people. I've had a few friendships last a good while that way. It wasn't all bad either, it is just that those kinds of friendships can never last very long. Once things get personal, then they go poof!

I don't really know what to do to change things. I know how to open myself up but how do I get someone to open up to me at the same time? And why do so few people want to do that? It really feels like they are uncomfortable with me. I wish I knew why. I must be doing something wrong. I haven't been thinking hard on this like I said I would. I don't know how to do that in a productive way. Whenever I try to figure out what is wrong with me I just end up upset and crying. I never actually do figure out why people don't want to be around me once they know me. I have considered that maybe there was something wrong with them but they were all so nice. I attract nice people of all ages. So of course it hurts even worse. I've had a few girlfriends. Some younger ones like Mimi and Carmencita but I've had jast as many older ones as younger ones. My last girlfriend was in her sixties. We went to Michigan together. I didn't have a problem feeling close to her or the other sisters on the trip. I really don't know what happened after that. My teacher Mercedes has to classify as a girlfriend but we grew apart if you can imagine that. At least it felt that way. Once she was transferred to a new school, then gradually things dried up. I called her a few times but I don't think she felt the same way as before. See, there is clearly a problem with people developing really close bonds with me. I can feel that way about others but not usually vice versa. So who can blame me for feeling extra careful now about putting my heart out there? I'm just tired of this carousel. I want to get off.

I think I am a nice enough person that when I feel bad, people want to cheer me up. People call me to cheer me up and someone recently sent an email to cheer me up. But nowadays it is always the same thing that makes me feel bad. That being the case, the only thing that would cheer me up would be to develop a close friendship or in some way prove that people really like to be around me and want to know me as a person. See, this is something I simply can't learn to live without. I think this is the age when people really start making close friendships that last throughout adulthood. Some people, like my mother, develop childhood friendships that last but many people don't. So I can understand that. The past is done with and nothing can change it. So now I am finally ready. And what happens? I now have the worst form of shyness imaginable. The prospects have dimmed a great deal.

However, I still believe in my heart that I am a likeable, even lovable, person. I still don't think I am fundamentally flawed. I don't have much to prove it but I believe it anyway. But if things go on the way they have, more and more I will doubt myself. I will become sadder and may not be able to smile as much as I do now. And then people definitely won't like me. I always have to smile no matter what is going on inside. People really like smiles and laughter. Seeing a smile can really brighten someone's day. I think everyone should try it sometimes. I always smile when I am walking down the street or getting into an elevator or walking down a hallway. People usually smile back. Most people don't respond well to crying, which is quite understandable. I hate to see people crying. Pain is terrible. The worst thing for me is to see a man crying. That just kills me. And children are supposed to smile, not cry. Children have the best smiles in the world.

I want to travel. I like going out. I like doing things. I like learning things hands on. I need just one other person and I then can do it! I don't see how one can happily travel by oneself. In fact, I have tried that and all in all it was quite miserable at times. And at least I knew in a small way some of the people who were there. I can't go to all of the other places I know by myself. I know there are Witnesses all over the world but I don't know a lot. I certainly don't know any well enough to go visit them. But a partner, that would change so much. Oh well, I don't see the point of pondering this anymore at the moment. I wish I could say these things to someone else or something. I wish I didn't feel so alone. But I don't know how to share thoughts like these without disturbing whomever I tell. It isn't like someone else can tell me what it is that is off-putting. Or whatever it is. I don't even see how any of this could make sense to anyone but myself. I think I am truly alone in this. My family isn't close to me and who knows why. I may have been a really bad child. I was certainly the black sheep. But right now I really think they simply don't understand me very well, that's all. My sickness just makes it harder. I don't really have any close friends. Certainly no one out there understands me well at all, nor does anyone want to. And both upsets me equally. I don't quite understand why people don't get me and I also don't like the fact that most of the people I try to develop friendships with don't want to.

What's really bad is when people don't open up to me. Sometimes I feel like I have to use the jaws of life to get into someone's heart and mind! Seriously, it is like people erect brick walls just for me. This is all rather heavy on my heart and I don't know how to lift it off. I don't think I can do it. Again, someone would have to show me otherwise and you can't make someone love you or feel open around you. You just can't do it. It must be natural that is the only way it can be. If people try to fake it then it is revealed soon enough. I was just thinking of something. A few months ago someone said to me
"I guess I'll tell you a little about me cause I want you to tell me about you." They also said "I really wanna just hand myself to you. Just kinda like take everything I am, my likes and dislikes and ball them all up and give it to you so that you could know me totally.". Wow, I just remembered that. That was said after we talked on the phone for a long time (as I like to do). Exactly what I have wanted to hear all along. Exactly the way I have felt about so many people but they didn't feel the same way. But one day I sent that person an email and they never sent one back, nor phoned again. I don't know what happened, guess there were problems in that person's life. But that was my best chance at friendship in two years. That is all I have wanted anyone to feel like doing with me! Perhaps once they started getting to know me they thought I was too weird.
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