Diary Page Thirty-Four
Still February 7, 2003 - Well now that I know someone has been that interested in getting to know me and opening up enough to start a friendship I feel a lot better. The fact that that particular person fell off the face of the earth makes no difference. I'm just waking up now and trying to think of something to do with myself. I suppose I should go ahead and crawl into the shower and then...wash some dishes. I can't stand washing dishes. It is one of the most boring and repetitive chores there is, but it must be done. I've never even seen a dishwasher up close. Washing dishes wouldn't be so bad if there was a dishwasher to wash all of the easy things like cups and silverware. Oh there are so many cups, so much silverware. It is impossible to describe how much I can't stand washing dishes.

Right now everything is white outside. There's a lot of snow and the sky is that light grey color that comes with snow. There's a tree outside completely stripped of leaves and it has patches of snow on its branches. It is tall and it looks like it is reaching up to the sky asking for more cover. It's beautiful. Last night it snowed in earnest, and a night sky filled with snow is just gorgeous. My neighborhood always looks its best when it has snowed. It covers up so much. I think snow is beautiful and now that I am out of the work force I am fine with it. I wonder what would happen if I had a garden. I love nature but at the same time I have a black thumb. Plants and flowers come to me to die. I am totally at a loss as to how to handle that kind of thing. 

I may complain about washing dishes, but at least I never had a mow to lawn. That's one of the few benefits of having a concrete yard, no lawnmowing. From what I've seen on TV, people hate it, young people in particular. I know myself, and if there is a chore hated by others, it is a chore loathed by me. The only chore that I enjoy is grocery shopping. It is fun to plan meals and then to actually get to collect the necessities for each meal, piece by piece. And shopping within a budget can be an adventure. Always trying to find the least expensive product with the highest quality.

My computer is having issues again. If it isn't one thing with these mechanical imps it is another. At least I haven't seen the Blue Screen of Death in a few days. When I was in school we used Apple computers. But all of my life my family has used Microsoft. I've come to know and love Microsoft. I'm used to all the strange things that happen, like the Blue Screen of Death. Or the deadly error message. Why does Explorer insist on causing invalid page faults? Does it not have something better to do? Does it do this just to torture me? Or is it rebelling because I am trying to make it do work? Sometimes the computer just goes completely crazy. Of course, it starts with a deep freeze. No self-respecting personal computer can ever go more than an hour or so without a nice deep freeze just to shake things up a bit. Usually there are several ways to combat a deep freeze. Bring up the close program box and close something. That may shake the computer loose but that rarely works. Sometimes the close program box itself doesn't come up, but instead I hear an ominous "beep". Don't "beep" at me, please! Then the Blue Screen of Death tells me that the computer is waiting for the close program box to get out of the bathroom and show itself. Soon I am left with the handy three key combo that starts everything over again. But you know what, sometimes the computer is on a complete strike and won't let that happen. So I have to whip out the big Kahuna and lay down the SHUT DOWN. And I don't care if I hurt its feelings.
February 8, 2003 - It is so beautiful outside. I absolutely MUST do something today. Soon I'd better take a shower before my brother wakes up. He uses all of the hot water and he goes through a lot of beauty products. I wish I could be as into it as he is. I really do love the way things look today. A nice seven inches of snow with more to come tomorrow. Today is a busy ministry day for my mother and my brother so I won't even bother asking to be taken to the library. I wish I could think of something else. I might attempt to make some sounds with my bass today. I've neglected it for a while. It has been rather lonely. I've been lonely too. So we should comfort each other. Nothing soothes me like the low, deep sounds of a bass.

I feel like laughing today. I don't have anyone around to make me laugh! That's so sad. Everyone should have humor in their life. I can find ways to make myself laugh but nothing tops banter with another person. I don't feel like exercising but I should do a little to stretch my limbs a bit. They aren't doing well because I don't get out much. I really don't like exercising here. Hmm, I might like jogging in a park. Then again, I'd be afraid of the people. I always feel self-conscious when exercising. I'd love swimming though. And I'd like to ride a bike. I don't like roller-blading although I do have a pair. I look ridiculous when I do it.

I'm confused again. I seem to exist in a state of confusion. Discombobulation. Which means state of confusion, so I'm just being redundant. Just like most of my confusions, this one stems from social issues. I'm a quiet person. It is by being quiet that I learn so much about people. I'm also quiet because I either have nothing to say or don't know what to say. I am just uncomfortable speaking much of the time. Here in this diary I finally get the opportunity to say everything I always wanted to say. No one cares to ask about my feelings so I can put them here. No one is interested in my thoughts so I can express them here. I like this. So why am I confused? Because I don't know who I am. It has been so long since I've had human company outside of my family. In that time I've gotten used to being very expressive and open. I wonder if I would be more extroverted if I rejoined society (provided I didn't have social anxiety disorder). Or would I just revert back to my old self. And the thing is, I like my old self. I had an identity, the quiet one. There's some comfort in that, especially if you are a nice person. Nobody likes nasty quiet people. People really can't stand loud nasty people. But anyway, I wonder if I'd still be as quiet. I'd actually like to hope so. I guess I am afraid to be different. I accepted my introversion as part of who I am. I don't want to mess things up. But if I truly am introverted, and I do strongly believe this, then it wouldn't go away. So I am worrying over nothing, as usual.

I wish somebody would sing with me. That would be so cool. My brother's radio is playing and this group is singing so beautifully. My friend Carmencita and I would sing together all the time. I miss having someone to share music with. I just miss someone, period. Someone to laugh with. Someone to sing with. Someone with whom I could watch movies and critique them. Someone to share food with. Someone to fall asleep with. Someone to cry with. Someone to walk with. Someone to talk to. Someone to hug. Someone to tickle my feet. Someone to comb my hair when I don't feel like doing it. Someone to shop with. Someone to buy gifts for. Someone to receive gifts from. Someone to let me fix their computer. Someone to give me a kick in the butt. Someone who doesn't mind receiving one from time to time. Someone to remember. Someone to remember me.

I just miss Someone. I wonder where someone went. I wonder if someone will be returning shortly. I wonder if someone is out there wondering about me. 
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