Diary Page Thirty-Eight
February 17, 2003 - The sky is white again. We are getting a lot of snow, a couple of feet. Right now it is sleeting. Since I won't be going out anywhere I suppose now would be the time to start doing things around the house. I'd like to clean my room since it has been a while since I did it. I feel better when it is clean. I suppose I can do that tomorrow. Then I suppose I can clean the dishes. I'm excited just thinking about it. Yeah. Whoopie.

I was thinking about movie plots that I don't like. Generally I'm open to any sort of plot or idea but there is one type in particular that has always bothered me. This is when someone is engaged and then they meet someone else, fall in love, and dump their fiance. I can't stand that. And the movie usually makes the dumped fiance out to be a bad person in some way. A rich snob or something like that. But the two lovers are just good people. Sometimes both of the new lovers were engaged and left their future partners for each other. I really can't stand disloyalty and dishonesty in a character that I am supposed to be sympathetic with. I can never understand why a nice, intelligent person would be engaged to a rich snob anyway. Are they greedy or something? And how many movies must have this plot? Let me see, "Runaway Bride", "The Wedding Singer", "The Wedding Planner", "Sweet Home Alabama" (and in that one both of the guys were nice, so why), "Forces of Nature", "It Takes Two", "That Old Feeling" and many, many more. I guess it is just that I take love, engagement and marriage very seriously. If two people are incompatible and not in love, why would they become engaged? People in movies become engaged much too quickly and I suspect this is the way it is in this society nowadays. The courtship period is skipped completely. Anyway, I can't stand those movies. I always come away with the feeling that the main characters are themselves shallow. True love doesn't come about because you've shared silly mishaps and such. These movies just annoy me. I never saw it but apparently in "My Best Friend's Wedding" this typical ending does not occur and the original couple stay together. Well good for them.

Glad I got that out of my system. I should note that I have been writing in my paper diary more lately. I finally found it. I like writing here but there are some things that are extremely personal. I know people read this site from time to time because I know I haven't looked at the Home Page 600 times. Or have I? Am I that obsessive? Who knows. Anyway, there are some things I just don't put here. For one thing, I'm afraid of stumbling somebody. They aren't really bad thoughts but they are intensely private. Actually, I've been having a lot of good thoughts lately. I just hope it lasts this time. I'm afraid of sinking into depression again. This is the closest I have felt to normal in many, many years. It would hurt so bad if I became depressed again because I will remember this feeling but be unable to capture it. Sadly, once you have fallen into depression once, it becomes easier and easier for it to happen again. My brain is permanently mis-wired.

My grandmother told my mother that I am choosing not to go to the meetings and until I choose differently I will just stay this way. Things like that always confuse me. I do understand that mental illnesses are extremely hard for normal people to understand and I have grown a lot more comfortable with those kinds of thoughts that people have. In fact, it doesn't make me feel bad. I understand why my grandmother feels that way. It must be especially difficult for older people of a different generation to understand. Then again, I've had people of all ages tell me things like that. My paternal aunt once told me that my mother and I always choose the easy way out. I don't have to work hard like other people because I just choose not to. Well I said that these things always confuse me. What if they are right? Perhaps I am just really lazy or spoiled. I could be around people but it is easier not to deal with it. If social anxiety disorder is something you learn then I can unlearn it, right? I remember a therapist years ago told me that I was faking panic attacks to get out of going to school. I loved school it was the people there that made me anxious. In fact, that is why I ended up leaving school, because I felt the senior year would be all about social events and I couldn't take it. But she was a therapist. She was the professional. How do I know what is so and what isn't? I'm already more inclined to believe negatively of myself. I tend to listen to authority figures so after I heard what my grandmother had to say I started wondering again. But there are a few things that help me to realize that I really am sick. First of all, I still feel that Jehovah's holy spirit is working with me. I feel like he still answers my prayers. Secondly, when I went to the doctor in December for an evaluation he asked a lot of questions. As I answered them I truly realized that I was really sick. I couldn't believe how many bad questions I had to say "yes" to. Many times I am unable to accept my own illness but I had to accept it then. No use being in denial. So perhaps I won't let this bother me too much.

Same Day, An Hour or so Later - One of my goals was to contact or stay in contact with my friends (I am too lazy to look up which one it is). 75% of them are not really friends anymore but I felt the need to check things out just for my own piece of mind. Well I already had my conversation with Carmencita and that is settled on my end. I don't know what the future holds, but the present says "Move On". Last night I called Mimi and we talked for a long time. But for the past two years since I stopped working there, Mimi and I have talked about the same thing. My former place of employment. She still works there. They are still as evil now as they were to me and she will be quitting soon. Anyway, we just chatted about that for over an hour and that is all that we've talked about every time we ran into each other. When I worked there we did talk about work a lot but we talked about so many other things too. I guess that is pretty much over now. Once she quits, we'll probably speak once and a while. But the friendship we had isn't there anymore. She is in a new congregation now so we won't be seeing much of each other even when I return. So that's wrapped up. I lost Esteban's number but I did some preliminary cleaning in my room and I found the last email address he gave me. I sent him an email and I hope he gets it. He doesn't like to email but I'm okay with talking on the phone. Usually I'm not but I don't want to lose a friend. In my mind, there is no reason for that particular friendship to be over. So I have contacted those three. I won't change the Friends page unless I make a new friend that I grow as close to as Mimi or Tita. Oh, the only friend I didn't contact is Daniel, although I guess I could. I see no reason to do this. I do think about that particular friendship a lot but there are no loose ends as far as I am concerned. It just ended. It isn't like we hate each other or anything. I can't say I don't care, I do hope he does well and from what I've heard, he is doing quite well. Good for him. I see no need to contact him or involve myself further. So that chapter is closed also. Hmm, I'd probably invite all of these friends to my wedding, depending on how far into the future that is. Including Daniel, since he doesn't live far away. Oh wait. I'm not getting married anytime soon. Ooops! 
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