Diary Page Forty
February 20, 2003 - I've been trying to sleep but I've been thinking a lot. Writing here is a form of release. Thoughts can intrigue but they can also torment. Sometimes it is time to stop reflecting and start dreaming. Literally.

On the home page of my website, I say "The complicated stuff is in the writing". This has been bothering me for the longest time. But I can't change it because I have a rule about that. I won't change anything like that because it would damage the integrity of the website, at least in my eyes. My problem is I am worried that it sounds egotistical. Like I am saying my writing is complex or special in some way. I know that isn't what I was saying but what if someone else ever happens to read that and they think I am touting my own writing? It is just this kind of worry that I have been thinking about.

I can be very insecure. Okay, I AM very insecure. I don't want to sound arrogant, or stupid, or egotistical, or boorish, or mean, or temperamental (although I guess I am), or cold, or presumptuous, or thoughtless, etc. Once words have left my mouth I have to analyze them. Maybe not at that moment but later, when I have a chance to reflect. Rarely am I satisfied with myself. I always think I did something or said something wrong. My brother is the same way, and I always have to reassure him that there was nothing wrong. I guess we are both insecure.

My way of handling this is to just try not to say anything. But I have a difficult time maintaining this sometimes. If I'm around people I am interested in or if I am trying to be friendly then I can't help but to speak. I try to speak freely, and worry about it later. I am always so apologetic for the things I say but I don't let anyone else apologize. I never think they did anything wrong or mis-spoke and I don't want them to worry about it. I know how it feels when you make a fool of yourself. Actually, I often feel like I have made a fool of myself so I don't want anyone else to feel the same way. I want people to feel comfortable with me, you know?

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself but I see no way around it. If only I could just SHUT UP sometimes. But I can't do it. I need to be more quiet, but I can't be anti-social. It isn't really in my nature. Like if I am trying to establish a new friendship I cannot help but to be open and free with my words because I don't want any barriers to exist. I want the other person to know that yes I do want to be friends and I do find them interesting. But then afterwards, I worry a great deal. I think I have started to realize that I am going to worry anyway so I might as well just move forwards. I'd worry more if I closed myself off. I am just so afraid of turning anyone off. I know I can be strange and rather off-beat but I am good-natured about it. So that is why I press onward. I am not caught up in myself, I like other people. Yet I am constantly worried that I sound caught up in myself. Or I am worried that no one would care about my thoughts. So I am not eager to share them. But I usually can't help it if I like someone.

It is interesting, the way I think. Suppose I am at the Kingdom Hall and there is a sister that I'm interested in getting to know. Someone I want to start a friendship with. She seems smart and fun so maybe we can go shopping, or talk on the phone or something. Just hang out some time. Or maybe she seems quiet herself, and the quiet ones can be deep thinkers. And I like deep thinkers. But before I could approach her, all of these thoughts would go through my mind. Would she find me interesting? Why should she? Maybe she never noticed me for a reason. Will she try to let me down easy? I don't want to bore her. I wonder if she'd be comfortable with me asking. I don't want to put her in a tight spot. Maybe she is busy. I'll just leave it alone.

And that is exactly what I usually do. Or maybe I do walk up to her, but at the first sign of disinterest, I take it to heart. Man, if I were not interested in people this would all be so much easier. But I know that isn't right so I have to try to persevere with this. If I put myself out there and I am hurt, it isn't the end of the world. There are millions of Witnesses to befriend, right? I'm not a bad person and I don't think anyone would hurt me intentionally.

I just don't want to say the wrong thing.   
Home Page
February 21, 2003 - I wonder if the world could change in a few days. I think it could. I find that amazing. Whether it be the outer world or just your own world, it can completely change in just a few short days. I have to try not to be resistant to change. Sometimes it is good to let the wind take you where it may, and other times you need to anchor for a while. Right now I feel like floating on the clouds. While you are floating you may see and realize a lot of different things that you couldn't see before. But you don't want to stay in the clouds too long because you may never be able to use the new things you have learned to help others or yourself. At the same time, you don't want to stay too grounded and refuse to fly because you will never make discoveries. And every day you can discover something. And at any time, that discovery could change your world.

On another note, my friend Carmencita called me yesterday. She has decided to come back to the hall and she was calling my father to change over to our congregation. She needs a fresh start. Her mother goes to our congregation and she would like to grow closer to her mother and Jehovah. Sadly, right now her mother has been through too much and she has washed her hands of Carmencita. When we were younger and closer, Carmencita and I would talk for hours about her relationship with her mother. They just didn't see eye to eye and didn't understand each other. Because of Carmencita's looks and her nature, her mother just knew that she would end up in a bad way. But I always wondered if by being so judgemental and strict and pessimistic, perhaps her mother was pushing her away. I remember my father would try to mediate between them. That was when she was 16. Now she is 20 and she has to behave as an adult. So she can't blame her mother but she is now trying to take responsibility for her own actions. Carmencita has done a lot of things while she was messing around with the world and she is dealing with severe consequences now. There will probably be more and she realizes that. She said that now she knows what the world is like and it just makes her sad. She has a lot of adult responsibilities now but you cannot truly have a life without Jehovah. I tried so hard to help her see that before things got bad but I suppose she had to learn it on her own.

Well I guess this means we are going to be building a friendship again. She told me that she thought I had betrayed a confidence a few years ago. That and the fact that I was always very much in the truth caused her to distance herself from me. Well I didn't betray the confidence and she knows that now. Now that she is on her way back I know that I must be there and support her. She is still the same girl she always was inside, the one I came to know and love. But the girl I loved was a faithful servant of Jehovah. And this one will have to be too. And maybe some day I will feel like I can open up to her and share my deepest thoughts and feelings. I've always wanted to be able to do that. I just don't like feeling caged.

I wonder if I should wallow in memories right now or go watch TV. Or put on some music and sing. Or something.   
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