Diary Page Forty-Three
March 6, 2003 - Hello March. I have been feeling pretty good lately. My doctor still won't help me with the social anxiety disorder until I have been taking my depression medicine for at least another month. I think this is because if I miss a few days (only if I have run out and can't get to the pharmacy!) then I start to feel really bad. It is scary. Then as soon as I take the medication, within a half hour, my spirits are lifted and I look at things normally again. So that is strange. I think he wants to make sure it is more stable.

Sometimes I don't feel like I can be my own person, even with people I care about. There are some people who I can't share my thoughts with, so I don't. It isn't because they tell me not to or they don't want to, it is because I don't seem to get much response. I've decided that it isn't because they don't care about me. I guess it is because they don't really respond well to thoughts. I know someone who responds well to my thoughts and we can have all of those interesting discussions that I can't have with most people, but if I share my true feelings it is like speaking in a cave. Only the echo of my voice. And sometimes I can share a little of both but not too deeply. So I have to learn to regulate my conversational output according to my perception of what the other person wants to hear or is comfortable with. Of course, conversations are never about only one person, so it is not like I want to be able to dominate the conversation. I also know that it takes a long time before someone is truly, deeply interested in my thoughts or my feelings. So I am willing to be patient, just sometimes it is frustrating to hide myself like this. If I like someone it is in my nature to share myself with them so that they can know me, and I expect the same thing, although I know it is slower for some than it is for others. If someone is particularly reserved but I like them, I am willing to chip away and chip away until there is a breakthrough. And that can take months or maybe even years. The danger is that there may be a lull in communication and when that happens, whatever interest or feelings there were may fade away. And this is when I feel like I have lost a friend or lost out on having one.

I have been deeply involved with music lately. I am listening to it more because I want to feel like I am part of it. Also, I am watching a television show where there is a lot of singing and I am trying to identify the different styles and what vocals contribute to a song. Also, different vocals seem to fit different styles of music. I have also been wondering about singer-songwriters and why there are so few nowadays. I want to be a knowledgable aficionado. I just like learning as much as possible about something, especially if I love it. But music is still about feeling and being a part of it, and less about understanding the technical aspects. 

I was able to go grocery shopping and buy a lot of food, and so I started to eat healthy again and cook every night. I am very happy about this. I have to figure out what to make for dinner tonight. I'm not sure but I like having this responsibility. I really love cooking and baking. I would like to learn how to cook more foods from scratch and without cans or boxes. I know how to cook some foods from scratch, or partially anyway. I would like to figure out how to make my own tomato sauce (or gravy, or whatever) for spaghetti and not use Prego. I like Prego and it makes thngs easier, and I add my own seasonings, but it is still not my own. Hmm, but maybe when I leave I won't have as much time as I do now to sit around and cook all day. So maybe Prego will be my best friend.

I still want to move out and I think I am as ready as a young person can be. I have a head start in some things but not in others. I know how to keep track of bills and budget better than most people my age. I also know how to be alone, but I do have support and things will be different once you move out. Right now I am trying to replicate life on my own as much as possible. The less I can rely on my family for, the better. My mother moved out of home when she was younger than I am and she was able to maintain an apartment and take care of herself until marriage, since I don't believe her mother helped her out much. I know my grandmother. My aunt, my mother's sister, also moved out on her own and she is still living on her own. For a long time she was sad about not being married but now she is just living the life of a single woman. Every time she reaches a goal, she just makes another. She has a nice little apartment that meets her needs and it is right up the street from her kingdom hall. She has done a lot of traveling and served for a few years where the need was great. She is still doing that because she learned a new language and went to congregation that needed support. So I would say she is making the most of it.  

March 15, 2003 - Well, I still feel pretty good. By that I mean I am not depressed and I am getting things done. I usually have a lot of energy unless I don't eat enough food, which happens sometimes. Yesterday I felt bad because I danced for a long time and then I didn't eat anything after that. I used up all of my energy and didn't replenish it. So I know not to do that again. I have to listen to my body more. It is what it is.

Right now I am just feeling blah. Like the background color of this page. Very blah. Almost aimless. My family is at an anniversary dinner for a couple that I really liked. Tomorrow there is a big congregation dinner planned. Last week the circuit overseer visited. I would really like to be a part of things. I was afriad of what the circuit overseer might think about my lack of attendance because he seems very strict, but thankfully he and his wife are very familiar with social anxiety disorder and they were understanding. It is interesting how Jehovah works that way. I should trust in him more and not be so worried all of the time. I would still like to be a part of things but at the same time I think that if I was at that dinner and around those people, I would be extremely uncomfortable. I'd probably try to isolate myself somehow. I'd want to leave and get out of there as soon as I could. And people would keep coming up and talking to me, and sometimes things are so bad that I just tune them out. So no, I guess it is not a good idea for me to put myself in that situation.

So I am trying not to be sad as there is no use. I am trying not to be resigned and stagnant, but to keep moving and improving. I have thoughts and ideas and I will have to figure out how to bring them to fruition. When I think about it, my life isn't so bad and not so pleasant either, but it is mine and I am cool with that. I don't want to be anyone else anymore, I just want to grow as myself. Whatever, I don't even feel like thinking about this right now. What do I feel like? Well I felt like writing in my diary but I don't have anything to say. I am alone and I don't know how to feel about it. I like the peace and quiet and having the computer to myself. I can also dance right now because there will be no one to see me. But at the same time, I need human company of some sort. I don't really have any right now (by right now I mean recently, not just right
now). I can't say that I am lonely because I have the prospect of interaction with other humans and I am happy about that. But at this very moment I would like to interact with someone and I have no one at the moment. Hmm, maybe I should take some sort of initiative. Argh, I can't get this stupid song out of my head and it is distracting me. I think it is called "Heaven Help Me" by Deon Estus who sounds an awful lot like George Michael, probably because Deon played bass with Wham! so George may be singing backup. I like bass players :-). Also, I am compiling a list of dance songs so I can get them and have things to dance to. I don't like that music that is called dance music. That is music created for the specific purpose of getting people in clubs to dance. I like songs that are up-tempo that I can dance to, like "Maniac" by Michael Sembello. Ever since I was little I have danced to that song. I think when I was younger I danced better.       
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