Diary Page Forty-Four
June 17, 2003 - I'm feeling rather mellow at the moment. How should I be feeling? Maybe I'm happy. I'm not stressed, sad or unhappy. Not angry or anything negatve. I guess everything is cool right now. I'm planning a trip to Chicago for my family. I was approved for Social Security and they sent a big check for the back months. I thought long and hard and decided that my family really needs a vacation, especially my father. A hard-working man needs a vacation every once in a while. So we are going to Chicago because none of us has ever been there. I am having so much fun planning this. Maybe other people might not like planning things but I love every part of it. Finding a hotel, and restaurants and thinking of what kinds of meals we'll be eating. Figuring out places to go and things to do. And of course budgeting everything. It's fun.

That's the only fun thing about having this money I guess. Because of course most of my regular check will go towards bills, all of it if that is what it takes. I have no problem paying bills, in fact, I feel a strong sense of satisfaction and relief when I do that. The problem is of course the same as usual, my parents overspending or not spending correctly. My mother thinks that now that I get a check she can spend even more money than before. But that's not supposed to be how it works! She spends a lot of money on Ebay auctions already, and I budgeted $100 a month for this (out of her check). That should be enough and she agrees. But I guess because of her mania she has a hard time. Now she is going to start spending my money. But she is rather crafty about it. She doesn't ask me for it. She just spends her own and then needs my help to keep from bouncing checks. I'm kind of forced to pay. She's crafty, that one! But I refuse to get too stressed out about it.

I wish my social anxiety disorder would get better but I feel no change. The only place I go is to the grocery store, and believe me, even that is a difficult experience. I really do not want to be around people or noticed by them AT ALL. I can't believe how bad I feel and that just causes me to drop things or have other embarassing moments. And that makes it a million times worse. I want to go to the meeting really, really badly. I'm terrified and I honestly don't feel ready. But this can't be right.

I went on a diet because that was one of my goals. I am very happy and satisfied with the results. My clothes are bigger and my t-shirts are big which is how I like them. This diet is very easy and I can still eat like a normal person. All in all, I think my life is kind of on the right path. It is my spiritual life that most concerns me as usual. I am also concerned about the waterbug situation :-). This spring because of the abnormally frequent rain there have been a lot more than usual and they are bigger than they have been in my entire life. I've never felt so horrible in my life as far as creepy creatures are concerned. If I have to get up in the middle of the night, I try not to turn a light and I just walk and hope they will get out of the way. If I have to turn on a light, I look up at the ceiling and don't look down. I feel that as long as I don't see them I will be alright. I assume that they will run so as not to be stepped on. If a waterbug ever touches me in any way, I will faint. If my brother uses one of my shoes to kill one, I won't wear those shoes for a week. My fear is THAT bad! This is pathetic.

Yeah you know what? I am rather happy right now. Oh yeah, my friend Daniel is getting married. My friend Shemelia has moved to another congregation. My friend Carmencita is very pregnant but she is going to every meeting! I am so happy about that. I hope my friend Esteban is okay, I have spoken to him since my last diary entry. And I have made progress in the friends department.  I think I will be updating that Friends section soon. Isn't that cool?

June 18, 2003 - Some people live their lives for themselves. And some people live their lives for others. And some people find a proper balance. I would like to be one of the latter. But I am not. I am one of those people who lives for others. In service to the world, responsible and dutiful. I constantly say that I am tired of it but then of course I know I won't stop. My brother was very rude to me today and quite unappreciative of the fact that at that very moment, I was fixing his dinner. So I decided that he could just buy himself something that night unless he wanted to apologize. Of course he didn't, and of course I will fix his dinner. Now that I have an income, I pay for the food, do all the grocery shopping, plan all the meals, cook them all, serve the meals (we don't eat together, everyone eats in different parts of the house so I have to find them and bring them their food), and of course, I have to clean every dish. When the cable man came to fix our modem, which is in my brother's room, it was I who cleaned his room while he did who knows what. I am planning this vacation which of course I will pay for, because otherwise, who knows when my father would be able to get a vacation? The only money I keep each month would be the money to visit the doctor and buy my medication. Every other penny goes towards this household and to the individual people in it. I keep nothing for myself.

I usually say this is because I have no personal needs but I wonder if that is true. Maybe I am just suppressing my own needs but I don't know any other way to go about things. I don't have a problem with the idea of giving and being of service to others. It is when I do not feel appreciated that I get upset. Nobody realizes how much I care and how much I do, and I don't make it a point to go around reminding everyone. That's not why I do all of these things. But if I forget to do even one thing, I have to hear about it. People notice only when you don't do it. Some people are just like that I suppose, while others are left to be responsible.

July 8, 2003 - I am NOT like other girls. I don't have anything against other girls, although so many of them have something against me. I recently made a new girlfriend and I am going to let her make me over. I don't have anything against all the things that girls do and enjoy, but I am not really unhappy with my way of doing things either. I don't like to shop unless I have money. Window shopping is not fun for me and I'd rather not go to the mall if I can avoid it. I don't like the way makeup feels on my face and I don't relish the thought of putting pointy objects like pencils anywhere near my eyes. I don't like shaving although I do it simply because I'd be embarassed not to. I miss the days when being unshaved didn't bother me but it is too late now. At most, I own MAYBE five pairs of shoes and I don't really wear any of them regularly. I prefer going barefoot whenever possible. I don't own socks and haven't worn them in years. I don't wear stockings although I admit that sheer ones make my legs look nice. I just DON'T CARE that much. Yes, my ears were pierced once but the holes have filled in because it has been many years since I wore earrings. I rarely wear panties, I've said that before. SO SUE ME. As long as I am clean what is the problem? And hey, no pantylines! But I don't care about pantylines anyway, what a waste of time it would be for me to care about something like that. I LOVE sports and playing video games and computer games. I don't care about weddings and I would be happy getting married in a very small ceremony in my house or something. I don't care about wedding dresses and I have never fantasized about them. I've only had my nails done once and I could care less if it happens again. I don't wear nail polish nor do I spend any time on "nail care" like filing and other crap like that. I try to keep them clean, that's about it. Recently I chopped most of my hair off because I'm sick of it and only wish to do the basic hair care stuff like try to remember to wash it. I don't wear any jewelry except my dead grandmother's engagement ring. No bracelets, ugh. No earrings, even the unpierced ones. No other rings or anything like that. Whenever I take on some new girly habit, like when I had a "nail polish" phase or when I used to wear ankle bracelets, I only do one thing at a time. I can never completely transform, even for one night. Maybe my new girlfriend will change my mind about things. I would like to be attractive although I think I am pretty when I am freshly cleaned and just pure and me. But I don't want to do most of those girly things and so what?    
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