Diary Page Forty-Five
July 18, 2003 - This Sunday I am planning on going to the district convention. I decided to do it a while ago and I've been planning for it. This is going to be very hard and scary, but I am going to do it. I knew there was no way I could do all 3 days and I didn't plan on that, knowing I'd just end up disappointed. But I haven't been to a meeting in a very, very long time and I'd like to try this. This is going to be a big deal for me. There are tons of people at the district convention and my prolonged absence means that people who normally wouldn't bother me are going to be coming up to me all day. I feel extremely uncomfortable just thinking about that but I will just have to see how it works out. Originally I told myself that I would absolutely go for the morning session and if I was out of it by the noon break, I could come home. I know my mind and my body, and I'm probably going to be feeling pretty anxious by noon. By that time I will have had more contact with people than I've had in a very long time, and it is all unavoidable contact. Also, I do not like being in large groups of people even when they aren't bothering me. I think I can definitely try the three hour morning session and if I'm feeling really bad, I can go home at noon. That in and of itself would be a big accomplishment for me. And I need to have that "escape plan", just in case I am panicking too badly.

But now, major obstacles have arisen. You know, sometimes I marvel at just how inconsiderate people can be. I am someone who almost always puts others first and I am constantly thinking about how they would feel in a given situation. WHY DON'T PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME? First of all, my mother says that they don't want to lose their parking spot so if I get sick then they won't be bringing me home. That is very discouraging, although I am still going to go. I suppose I can go sit in the car and wait (this is what I used to do when I got sick at the Kingdom Hall) but I'll be waiting for many hours, and I can't leave the air conditioner on that long. I could also ask someone else to bring me home, but it's not like I have any friends there. HELLO, that's part of my illness! These people scare me (through no fault of their own)! Now I am going to have to ask someone for a favor when I am in the middle of a panic attack (something I hate doing anyway, I HATE HATE HATE asking people for favors). I know that I won't be able to do that. My mother said I could take public transportation and go home. If I'm having a panic attack, taking PUBLIC transportation is the last thing I am up to doing. That's a major reason why I can't work anymore, because the commute is too much to handle. Why can't they just think about me for just this once and take me home if I have to go home? I don't require much of them in my daily life. I pretty much leave my family alone and try not to burden them in any way because of this illness. I think they should be encouraging me in any way they can because this will be a big step for me. I am just asking for a little consideration.

But being able to come home is now the least of my concerns. Another problem is my period is coming on and I am having bad cramps and feel lousy. But the biggest problem is a sister who called me the other day. Now this is a lady I have only met once in my life because my illness got bad around the time she started going to my Kingdom Hall. When I met her it was on a Bible study (her Bible study was the last time I went "out" in the field ministry). Now I have learned she is baptized. When I went on her study I was able to share many things with her and apparently I impressed her. Anyway, she oftens asks my family about me. I think that is very loving and sweet. Anyway, she finally called me two days ago to find out if I would be going to the convention. I told her I'm trying to go on Sunday. This is a huge deal for me. So she says that she will come to my house and get me on Sunday and she will have her grandchildren with her and I can help her take care of them all day.

I don't know her, I don't know her grandchildren and I hate babysitting. This day is already going to be so difficult. She told me that I was the only person she could think of to help her. So now I know I have to do it because who else will help her? Now I definitely can't leave early if I get sick, and I am going to have to spend the entire day with strangers and not with my family. I am SO scared and worried. This makes me sick to my stomach. All I wanted was to try to go to the convention and now it has turned into a big adventure.

I am so scared and upset I feel like crying. No one can possibly understand how much pressure I am under. On Sunday I will try not to show it. I will have to deal with this sister and her grandchildren. I will deal with the many people who are going to be coming up to me and trying to engage me in a conversation. This will be at least seven hours of being surrounded by thousands of people and my anxiety will be through the roof. I would give anything for a private room where I can enjoy the spiritual food without fear but that is impossible. Why can't anything ever go right for me? Everything I do is always messed up. I hate this.  

August 4, 2003 - Well as for the convention, all I can say is that I am glad that I went. I was able to avoid that sister and her grandchildren. I told her that I'd rather go with my family although I did tell her what section we would be sitting in. It didn't matter because I didn't make it past the morning session. By noon I was having a lot of trouble breathing and I was definitely in a panic. It got to the point where I was trying to completely shut down and tune out everything going on around me and all of the people. This means that when a brother came up to say hello to my mother and I, I could barely respond to him much less look at him. He was so nice and he had been out of the truth for many years and had made his way back. Unfortunately, I definitely recall muttering under my breath "GOD MAKE HIM GO AWAY". I HOPE HOPE HOPE that he did not hear that.I feel bad about this because I may have appeared really standoffish, but I was in agony. There were so many people and I felt like I had no space. However, before things got that bad I was able to say hello to a number of friends, including Carmencita. She is about 7 months pregnant now and she looks like she has a bowling ball attached to her body. Also, I really enjoyed the program and a number of young people gave experiences that touched my heart. I know that I am still young and there is much I can do, I will just have to persevere. My father was in the drama and he was great! I am very proud of him.

Okay, another topic. I have a really hard time asking people for help or telling them what to do. It's terrible. For example, I've wanted to go to the library for a long time now. I really enjoy reading and I'd like to just go spend a day at the library. In order to do this I need someone to give me a ride. I've wanted to do this for months. But instead of just asking someone and making definite plans, I just drop hints all the time. I keep saying that I want to go to the library but I never actually ask someone if they will take me on a particular day. Or here is another example. I am in charge of the family budget and I know what bills need to be paid each month. I am supposed to divide up the bills and then go to each person and tell them what they have to pay. I am able to do the budget every month. But I ALWAYS have trouble when it is time to tell everyone what they need to pay. I procrastinate and then they run out of money.

I need to be able to trust other people more. Other people can be responsible, not just me. In fact, maybe people would be glad to help me. It is hard to convince myself that I am being reasonable. I don't want to make anyone feel put-upon, but this just leaves me feeling stressed out. This is a problem that I have had all of my life.

August 8, 2003 - I'm not in a bad mood today. And that's saying something. But click on the link below if that's not enough. 
Home Page
I had to say something.....Diary Page 46