Diary Page Fifty-One
Still November 24, 2003 - I guess I have more to say. As an introverted person, I keep most of my thoughts to myself other than my writing. At any given moment I may be thinking a number of things, but that doesn't mean I'm inclined to share them. I've noticed that really extroverted people seem to say whatever is on their mind. Well I don't feel a similar desire to share. Well sometimes I think things but don't ever say them out loud, and the problem is that part of me expects the person I'm thinking about to know what I'm thinking and react accordingly. Like if I am annoyed by something, I might think about it a lot, but never tell the person who is annoying me. I just bottle it up and eventually may get snippy or have an attitude. Now I realize that the other person has no idea why I am not happy with them or what the problem may be. Another thing is that if I've been embarassed or something bad happens, I don't usually like to talk about it or dwell on it in any way. I like to move on to something positive, maybe laugh about it once but that's it. If I am feeling bad already, constant talking about it will make me feel worse. Now I realize that for other people it is the opposite, and they need to talk things out.

Another thing I know about myself is that I love writing in any form. That includes writing letters on occasion and emailing. I like writing emails, typically long ones. For me, my relationships with others develop more depth through writing although eventually face to face contact is definitely necessary. It's just that for me, things are deeper and more significant through writing than through superficial conversations on the telephone. If I'm not able to have writing as a significant part of a long-distance friendship, that makes it much harder for me to feel truly comfortable and close. I guess it's important to hear another person's voice and all that, but writing can be done at any time of day, with whatever frequency the two parties choose, and it is not nearly as intrusive as the telephone. That's really important for me since I strongly dislike intrusions. I like for it to be my choice and not have to feel like I must be talkative because someone else decided to call me. I think that is backwards actually. Emailing also costs less. And you can talk about anything and can skip all of the small talk stuff. Also, I get the chance to think before I have to say anything, and that's a big deal for me.

On another topic, marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. Different things I guess, but it always comes back to marriage. The only thing I know for sure is that I'd like to get married eventually. But everything else I ever believed about marriage has been shaken up the last month or so. I can't really explain it here. Hmm, I guess I also know what kind of man I'd like to marry, but I don't believe in "soulmates", I believe that it is possible to be happy and compatible with more than one man. Lately I've had to think about why I want to get married and what is really important to me. Quite frankly, I don't quite know yet but that's okay. I'm not in any rush to do anything and I have to fortify myself so I won't allow myself to be rushed, not by other people or my own turbulent emotions.

Okay, the practical side of me is telling me that my recent thoughts are foolish. I should be happy and looking forward to things. Because on the one hand, things are going very well, as close to perfect as can be. I should banish the negative thoughts as a sign of immaturity and grow up. But the dreamer side of me longs for something deeper that I don't have. Or actually, I might have it, just not in the most convenient or realistic way. And if something is not realistic, then it is not worthy of too much time and attention, right? But like a crazy person, I keep entertaining thoughts and fantasies that are not realistic and cause me stress. ARGH I was thinking about the movie "Sleepless in Seattle". It's about a woman who is engaged to be married but one night she hears a man on the radio and everything changes. The guy she is going to marry is a perfectly good guy, who she knows very well and he thinks he knows her. I don't think he'd ever hurt her and he loves her a lot. They have similar backgrounds and goals and she can definitely see a life with him. The guy on the radio doesn't even know her or anything about her and he lives far away. She doesn't even know if he wants to get married. But she takes a chance and goes for the guy on the radio, and gives the ring back to the fiance. Maybe she didn't deserve him, not mature enough or ready to make a life with a guy like him. Maybe in the end she doesn't even end up with the guy on the radio, maybe their lives are too different. Maybe they don't fall in love or maybe they do but along with the love comes pain and stress. Maybe she ends up alone. It's a movie and in movies things always work out but in real life they don't.

As a practical sort of girl, when I first saw that movie I liked it but I didn't have as much sympathy for the female character as I do now. I'm not going through what she went through, but I am learning that sometimes decisions are not as easy as they first appear to be. Part of me is glad to learn that now, before I go making bad or rushed decisions. But part of me is saying that I am making things too complicated. If the lady in the movie married her fiance, would life have been so bad? I doubt it. In fact, life could have been pretty good and they might have had nice kids and grown old together happy as clams. Same thing could happen with the guy on the radio. Now I'm not engaged and at this point I don't have any major decisions to make, thank goodness. Maybe I wish life could be a little easier.       

December 9, 2003 - I am feeling so topsy-turvy for a million reasons. But a minute ago I realized something and so I must write about it, of course. Why do I have to write about everything? Why must I share every stupid thought and feeling? Well what I realized is that I must be incredibly self-centered. Well maybe not "incredibly" that's an overstatement, but self-centered nonetheless. It's not that I am unaware of the needs and feelings of others, I just don't seem to see past my own needs, wants and emotions to adequately deal with anyone else. I try to make progress, I try to do better. But it is not good enough, I know that. I am not trying hard enough.

Everything isn't about me, I know that. I wish I didn't matter to myself at all. It would be okay if everyone else was happy. But everyone else is not happy, not even close. And when people are unhappy, I am not there for them the way I should be, because I am unhappy or confused annoyed or whatever, and I can't see past myself to adequately help them. Useless. Useless. Me.

All I do is ramble and I am so melodramatic. Ridiculous. I almost want to withdraw totally but that would be running away, that would be wrong. I don't have the right to do that, not after all that I have received from others. I am so angry with myself. Stupid.

Wake up Danielle, the world does not revolve around you. Realize this. Embrace this. Understand. Maybe no one wants to hear about your stupid feelings and confused thoughts anymore. Maybe other people are confused or emotional right now. Focus. I must focus. Tonight I am not even cooking dinner because the kitchen is not clean and I don't feel like cleaning and then cooking and then serving. Tomorrow will be a new day. I can't start over. I won't run away. Even if I have to die inside I will be useful. Somehow I will be useful.

I will not cry right now although I want to. This is just a stupid, melancholy day. A day to overeat and watch melancholy movies and panic and feel crazy. I can't believe I didn't make dinner just because I don't feel like it, Awful. Won't do. Better tomorrow.
More uncertainty..and January is coming    :-(...