Diary Page Fifty-Two
December 21, 2003 - Right now I feel like I can't trust myself. One day I will think one thing, and then the next day I will believe the exact opposite is better. Right now I have several decisions to make but I can't make any because I don't trust myself. I can't follow my heart because it is ever changing and untrustworthy. I can't trust my mind or logical reasoning because the seemingly rational course of action feels cold and unfulfilling, without some emotional reasoning to balance it. My emotions are definitely up and down and irrational. So since I can't trust myself I must trust in Jehovah and have faith that he will help me gain wisdom. It will be up to me to apply that wisdom and I hope that I have the strength to do it. It would be SO MUCH easier to just follow my heart and ignore what is practical or logical, but in my entire life I have never seen that have a positive effect. RIght now I am determined to take things slowly and not decide anything too hastily. I don't want my hand to be forced. Every day I learn something new about myself and gain insights from the Bible and Bible-based literature. The recent magazine on how to make wise decisions has definitely helped. I am also trying to keep in mind that the heart is treacherous.

I am faced with one of the biggest decisions a person can make, whether or not to get married. Right now I have just become open to the possibility that I am either not ready to get married or just don't want to get married. I think I could be a good and capable wife so maybe I am ready to get married, but all of this second-guessing is because I don't want to. I could fall in love but maybe I don't want to right now. That seems crazy to say because I have always wanted to fall in love and get married. But now, at age 22, I might not want to. I'm not sure yet and this may be yet another example of emotional misdirection from my heart. I'm scared and anxious so my natural reaction is to "run away" by just deciding not to decide, i.e. just say I'm not ready for marriage and don't want to get married. But I don't think I want to make this huge commitment anytime in the next year.

The tough thing is that its not like I have other plans this year. And the marriage opportunity I am presented with is an excellent one that many women would kill for. Great guy, ideal situation for me, and someone I could see a happy and fulfilling life with. If I had planned it out it couldn't have been much closer to my ideal. So it is crazy and emotional to say that in spite of all that, I don't want to get married to anyone right now. I think I will regret it. But I can't ignore these warnings that my heart is sending me. Or maybe I can ignore them, I'll just have to see. In the meantime, I will take in more and more information and then make a decision. Open my eyes and try to perceive and receive a little more.    

December 22, 2003 - There is so much going on with me right now. I don't even know how to sort all of these thoughts out. I keep shifting mentally from paranoia and dread to hope and enlightenment. In fact, sometimes these shifts occur seemingly every half hour. When am I going to stop being surprised that I have a mood disorder? It's so funny, when the doctor told me a year ago that the diagnosis was "bipolar disorder" aka "manic depression" I absolutely did not believe him. Me, manic? Ha! Never! Except when I'm mad, but that's it. Well the doctor was right, boy was he. I guess I learn something new about myself every day. Unfortunately, I feel like I absolutely cannot trust my own mind or thoughts at all. Can't trust my emotions or my mind. Well this is a horrible feeling.

But the real dread has been because I know I'm going to be depressed soon, I can feel it in my bones. Of course, maybe this is just paranoia. ACK I can't trust myself at all. But when I try to detach and look at this objectively, the depression is well on its way. More and more I am no longer taking joy in things I used to love, like dancing and music. I'm starting to feel really run-down after the last two months of mania. I'm really starting to doubt myself and my worth. AHHHHHHHHHHH I know what this is and in a few weeks it could be much worse. Hey! In ten days it will be...

And it is not shaping up to be a good one. There are things that are going to happen soon that I am not looking forward to. Okay, this is the first year I actually really noticed my overall pattern and I can only go back three years because my teenage years are a blur as far as my mental state. Here is the pattern: from October until December, mania. I get more done, feel better about my ability to accomplish things, have more energy, etc. This is NOT to be confused with normalcy because I am also much more anxious, have difficulty sleeping, panic a lot, become obsessive, and I am more likely to get really really mad.

In the year 1999, I set out to homeschool myself and work full-time at the same time in October. I got my first full-time job and I really enjoyed it. I processed applications and I did it at a record pace. Unfortunately, by late December my attendance was becoming erratic, I started making a lot of mistakes, my boss was getting mad at me, and in January he told my temp agency that my services were no longer needed. I kinda hid that firing from my loved ones, although I knew that everyone else from my agency was still working at that company. I stopped homeschooling. I was depressed for about two months, then found a new job in March and held that job longer than any I've ever held, which is to say, 9 months. That was quite an experience. I thought I'd be working there forever (or at least 5 years). It was an ideal situation in a lot of ways, although also one that could be rife with conflict. So in early December 2000 I received a raise and another glowing commendation from my boss. By New Year's 2001 I was fired. Ah well c'est la vie. Then came a deep depression and living off of unemployment for six months, doing nothing at all with my life. In August of 2001 I did two things, I started this Journey and I went on a two week trip to Michigan and went camping. My depression wasn't really over and September 2001 was bad, as I can tell even from reading this diary. That was the month I went to the mental hospital and I was seriously suicidal. Not to fear, my manic transition month October was coming. By November 2001 I was auxiliary pioneering, cooking dinner every night and starting to think I should seriously try to treat my problems with depression.

By January 2002 I went back to work because money was tight even though I really didn't want to go. That job lasted maybe two weeks then one day in February 2002 I woke up and just couldn't get out of bed. I took a leave of absence but never went back. Got a new job in April and now I think springtime is actually a good time for me provided I'm on medication. That job lasted until September, when I became erratic and increasingly anxious and paranoid and found myself holding knives to my chest and being unable to sleep. Social Anxiety Disorder pops up. By October I quit and finally, FINALLY applied for Social Security. Strangely, I don't remember autumn of 2002 very well at all. I remember being horribly lonely in January 2003. Spring of 2003 was the best of my life, I was happy. I was on lithium, started a diet, started creative writing, cleaned up my habits and made new friends and I was really feeling good and accomplished. As usual, by August and September I was starting to run down and withdraw from my friends. New burst of energy and October, also started dating. Now it is December and I'm ready to stop. It's almost January. Nothing is set in stone. Destiny is just another word for choices.
Let's Just Skip January...Diary Page 53