Diary Page Fifty-Three
February 25, 2004 - "I'm taking out this time to give you a piece of my mind."

Today I feel like I can do anything. I'm certainly optimistic. I've been very depressed the last few months. So depressed that I couldn't even cry. Just last week I wanted the earth to swallow me up. I recently started a new medication and I don't know if it is the medication, or if it is because Spring is approaching. I feel like one of the new flowers that is blossoming. I hope there is no late winter frost in my future.

   I'm still not sure where my life is going. I think I have a lot to be grateful for right now. My physical health is outstanding, though I have more weight to lose. In fact, even more weight now, because in my depression I put on 20 pounds. I had lost 50 so at least I am not back where I started. Spring is coming just in time. Other than my weight, I am doing well physically. The migraines are rare and less devastating. I am also doing very well financially, relatively speaking. Today I am going to open up an investment account. I already have a savings account. I have a great budget, I have tested it for a few months and it has held up. So I am ready to move to the next step, saving and investing. Every month I set aside a little bit just to buy something for myself. So far I have been using it to buy kitchen appliances and utensils because I really think I love cooking. It feels sooooo good to cook a nice meal. Half the time I don't even eat it because my tastes differ from the rest of my family. But it doesn't matter.

   I want to listen to funky music all day. I really feel like dancing. I had stopped writing, but a few weeks ago I started writing again. Along with the new medication I have a new therapist. I like her but her she doesn't really speak English well. But this is what you get when you're on Medicaid. I'm thankful to have her anyway. I like her so much I shared my poetry with her. My poetry is reserved for very few people. I want to learn how to sing. I think I have a nice speaking voice and my singing voice is not horrendous. I just don't know how to sing. I want to learn German. And maybe Japanese.

   What I am feeling right now, this isn't mania. I talked to my psychiatrist today and she agreed. I am just gradually coming out of my shell. This is exactly how I felt last year at this time, although maybe the change wasn't quite as rapid. Time will tell if I am able to maintain this, especially since I am taking this new medication. I heard some good news yesterday. My mother was afraid she had cancer because of a lump on her breast. They did a biopsy and it was inconclusive. They did another one and she is going to be fine. They also thought her kidneys might be failing but they're not. More good news. Our house has been in foreclosure for a few months now but it looks like we will be able to save it somehow. We can also get a new computer, and I am REALLY looking forward to that. Auf Sayonara!  

August 2, 2004 - "
The long and winding road..."

Okay, so 23 feels exactly like 22, but I don't feel at all like I did when I was 21. A friend of mine once said that the age of 22 can be the best year of your life. Well it was for me. I made new, good friends, and I have a best friend now for the first time ever. I matured a lot. I went places and did things. I got a handle on my depression. My family life is much more stable.

I have an admission to make. A few months ago I stopped taking my medicine. I know it was stupid but laziness compels me to do stupid things. I didn't become severely depressed, but I did feel like a damper had been placed over me. However, last week I started taking it again and I am already feeling much more lively. I also got my learner's permit a few months ago, so soon I will have my license, Yay!

I've been writing so many songs, it is incredible. I have written 123 songs. I really love doing it, it has been the best kind of therapy for me. I'm not writing as many poems, but I can still do that if I so desire. Things are really looking up for me right now.

September 30, 2004 -
"I don't pretend to be the strongest"

Well right now I am very depressed. I am beginning to conclude that I will never reach any of my goals. I've tried to reach all of them and I have reached none of them really. In fact, I haven't accomplished much at all with my life. But the depressing thing is that I don't see any of this changing, ever. I think I am so sick that this is the best it will ever be for me. Sometimes pills can make me feel a little better but even with the pills I am not much of a functioning person. Maybe I exercise more but that's about it. I am still so far from being like anyone else. I just want to be able to do something with my life. Do something every day. But all I do all day is sit on the computer and maybe watch a little TV if I can get up the energy to go downstairs and look for something to watch. Yes, I have tried to do a few things but failed miserably at all of them.

Today I was contemplating suicide rather seriously. The thing is, I don't want to die but I don't have a life. And I just can't face decades more of nothing. No one can understand just how little goes on in my life. Even people in mental hospitals do arts and crafts. I decided against suicide because my grandmother died a few days ago and there is already a lot of sadness and pain going around. It would be awfully selfish for me to kill myself in these circumstances. I did call a suicide hotline, but the phone just rang and rang, nobody answered. I feel completely alone. I don't even feel like Jehovah is bothering with me anymore because I do nothing to help myself. I used to wish I could disappear but I've pretty much withdrawn from everything and everyone already. I can't live like this anymore but what choice do I have? I just wish I could be cured. But wishes mean nothing.
Many songs in my head...Diary Page 54