Page 55 of my Diary
March 11, 2005 - In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight...

Okay, today I am feeling really good. Really energetic and happy and optimistic. A week ago I started taking Zoloft and right away I felt an energy boost, although my mood was not necessarily lifted. But right now I'm not depressed AND I have a lot of energy. I don't know if the Zoloft is responsible for my good mood, it probably isn't. But I think it has given me the energy boost and I am really enjoying this. I like taking this medication. It's easy, one little pill I only have to take once a day. I HATE taking medication but I can take this one.

My mother is in the hospital and has been for two weeks. When she went in she was in a bad state. I tried to help her as much as I could and this time I didn't feel as guilty as I usually do when she gets sick. Right now, I think she is probably healthier than she has been in a long time. She too has started taking Zoloft and actually I think it has put her into a manic state but that's better than being near-catatonic as she had been. Physically she is feeling good and she has lost a lot of weight. They're going to keep her until they target everything that's wrong with her and I won't let her come home until we know what's going on.

Right now I am feeling a little frustrated. It's Friday night and usually on Fridays I am on the internet or watch TV (even though there is nothing on TV on Friday) but I don't want to do that tonight. NO WAY. I want to go out. But I can't think of what I want to do. Not movies or restaurants with my Dad and brother. No no. And I am just not interested in most of the cultural stuff that goes on in this city. I don't want to go to a bar or a club. What I want to do is spend time with Witnesses my own age doing anything as long as we're together. Just me and a couple of other young people. Here's the problem. I don't know anybody. Okay, I know Carmencita but I lost her number again as I always do. I can call her mother and get it but I don't know if I want to hang out with Carmencita tonight and she might be mad anyway since I never call her. I have never explained my illness to her, she thinks this is all a matter of will-power. I don't want any of the drama, but she's the only girl I know.

I just can't stay cooped up tonight, I can't. But I don't want to do something on my own, that holds no appeal for me at the moment. Ahh I know I'm going to end up spending the night with the computer again :-(. Oh well.

March 15, 2005 - It has been an eventful 4 or 5 days. I am happy, HAPPY for the first time in a long time. I feel like I have a renewed sense of direction and purpose. I'm invigorated. But not just me. My whole family is moving in a new, better direction. I feel like Jehovah is helping us all. So much has happened. My mother is back home from the hospital, and she is better than she has been in a LONG time. Her mind is clearer, her sharp wit is back and she's had more energy than she used to. She hasn't had nearly as much pain as before and can cut back on a lot of her medications. She seems genuinely upbeat. I was so happy when we brought her home. My brother has been involved in a trying circumstance that he will need Jehovah's help to get through it. Yet he is at peace and his faith in Jehovah is strong at this point. My father is at peace because his family is at peace. We've all been spending more time together and that's exactly what I should have done with my weekend.

Then there is me. I have decided that Spring is my favorite season. I like the crisp coolness of the air, the sun that rises early and the days of perfect length. I come out of my Winter depression, and this winter it wasn't as bad as it usually is. I had some low times to be sure, but it wasn't as deep and severe. So I have less to recover from. Spiritually I have a renewed sense of zeal. I feel like I want to go out and defend Jehovah's name. Because of the Zoloft I have definitely been feeling much more calm and relaxed, and I am going to try to go to a meeting soon. I plan to go this Thursday, and will pray about it. I've also been doing better with my bad habits. I have prayed to Jehovah and continually do so, simply to ask him to help me to be a good servant. That is all that I want, is to serve Him faithfully and be a "good and faithful" servant.

Psychologically I also am at peace with myself. I have decided once again that I am a Giver. If I put a label on myself, that would be it. That is what I want my life to be about, giving. I want to touch lives any way that I can. I want to help spread what little bit of joy there is to be had in this system and carry on into the next. I am really looking forward to giving of myself and I can't wait to get better but I will be patient. The government says they won't pay for my Zoloft but I am optimistic and a way will be found. I am so optimistic right now but the best thing is that I feel perfectly natural. Not anxious or overly energetic at all. I'm certainly not manic. Okay, I do have days where I am hypomanic but that's not the norm, any more than depression.

I feel like I understand myself and my needs and capabilities better. This sounds strange to me, but I believe that I am here for grand things. Not fame and fortune, but to heal and touch and help people find the joy that can only be found in Jehovah. I don't need to help a lot of people, just everyone that I can. There is much potential in me, I can feel it. I'm excited by it, I can't wait to start fulfilling it. I have so much hope. Every day I see how the system is failing and people are hurting and it is painful. Yet at the same time I know, KNOW that there is a better system in store. Until that time, I must do what I can to help people to cope. Whether I must give something big, or just give someone a listening ear or just give someone my friendship, I will and must give.
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