August 8, 2005 Why'd you have to go and make life so complicated?

Life is just so strange, so weird, so crazy. And I'm fascinated by it. Sometimes I really wish I could just detach and study my life. This is a grand experiment, and I really want to figure it out, before my grant funding is suddenly yanked and the project halted. Or before something blows up.

But I have to actually LIVE my life, I can't detach from it. I guess that's okay. Don't want to be always the researcher, never the glory-seeking explorer. Okay, enough with the metaphors. Though it's an interesting exercise, and it's about the only exercise I'm getting lately.

I have become so completely, unabashedly LAZY. Mentally and emotionally I am quite active, and every day I try to get
something done, but I'm nowhere near as active and responsible as I used to be. I'm much happier the way I am now, but I can't help but be a little disappointed. I tried so hard to be helpful and responsible all the time, and it just didn't work for me. I thought I could settle for that, because a boring, quaint life is better than no life at all, right? But why limit myself? Now I have new horizons to face, and I'm excited by it yet I am worried. I am definitely a little worried. I'm flying by the seat of my pants, I'm not planning my days anymore (not that I ever stuck to a single one of those schedules), I'm not expecting a lot from myself or others, I'm just being. I've got my eye on the journey and I'm enjoying every signpost and misshapen stone along the way.

It's not that there was anything wrong with the person I was trying to be before. I think she would have made a great Christian, wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee. A great person. But I just never got the hang of her. The unfortunate thing is now I have to start all over again with everybody, let them know that THIS is who I am, and not THAT. I don't think they're going to get it. I've just become so much more relaxed since I started being perceptive more than decisive. I'm still moving along at a not-so-steady pace, sometimes I can go really fast on this journey and sometimes I have to sit and camp out for a while. But I'm MOVING, and that's what counts, right?

Ever since the depression cleared away, I've realized so many things about myself. I have recently realized that my major source of stress is when I have to be decisive, in the moment. I really like to know where I'm going and what I'm going to say ahead of time, and leave myself plenty of leeway if anything goes wrong (or if anything goes unexpectedly right). For example, the meetings. Now that I'm free to just walk outside and sit and read the Bible for a few minutes (or an hour) if things aren't going right inside my head, it feels like everything is taken care of. I can focus on studying, getting prepared physically, and how I'm going to exhort and encourage others. I just needed freedom, and I was caged by expectations before. I thought that if I went to a meeting, I had to sit there the whole time, had to sit in front (because you sit in the front so children and latecomers can sit in the back), and if I became anxious and unfocused, there'd have to be drama and self-loathing to get someone to take me home. But it doesn't have to be that way! All of those "have-tos and musts" aren't real. Everybody knows I'm crazy, so if I just get up and walk outside and read the book of Jonah, life will go on. And if I can't come back in until the meeting is over, that's okay too. Jehovah knows what is going on. The point is that I put faith in Him and just get up, and go, and stop criticizing myself and worrying so much.

And I really don't care if anyone disapproves. They don't understand and all too often those types aren't willing to listen to an explanation. I am separating concerns from commands. No more commands unless I'm actually on the wrong path. And I'm NOT. I'm going to be who I am meant to be with Jehovah's direction, and I'm a better person, a better friend, a better servant because of it. I love Jehovah, I love his organization, I love my spiritual family, I love the Bible, I love at least the idea of the preaching work (still working on that mentally), I am starting to love myself and care about the way I carry myself. I'm NOT going to go back to thinking I'm evil, or insane or just plain bad. I am not going to go back to being wrong. I won't let anybody drag me back to that. My being is NOT WRONG. 

August 13, 2005 You can see me dreaming, You can watch the stars light up in my eyes

In the middle of the night, that's when I have all my best ideas and thoughts. Last night was particularly fruitful. I was just so relaxed and open. I had a good study of the book of Micah, and am strongly looking forward to my upcoming study of the book of Isaiah. I really like the book of Isaiah, and am devoting at least the next week to it. I am so happy with my Biblical studies. When I get anxious or sick at the meetings, I just go outside and read the Bible until I feel better. Oh I am SO happy when I make the meetings, and that is happening much more frequently now. I feel like I am fitting in with my congregation. Everything is just groovy.

I've even developed some small talk skills. I love giving compliments and noticing things about people. People really enjoy that. They just want to be seen, noticed, stroked. I am so happy that I am able to do that. I've also been taking pride in my appearance. Yes, I've been wearing flattering outfits, jewelry and...makeup. And I've actually enjoyed it. People keep telling me that I look good and that I am pretty, ME! A brother even checked me out, I SAW him do it. I made a pact with myself, that I would do only that which makes me comfortable, and would not require more of myself to meet the arbitrary standards set by society. So if I feel inclined to wear makeup, then I will. And if I don't, then I will not, and there will be no guilt on my part. I don't have to rebel against standards but I am not bad or wrong if I do not conform.

I have never been this confident or at ease with myself. I am allowing myself to feel all of my emotions and not to criticize myself so much. It is hard not to be self-critical, but I am trying not to be perfectionistic. I have a strong sense of who I am and who I am going to be. I don't know what is going to happen in my life. I don't know if I'll ever become a pioneer, or if I'll ever get married, or if I'll ever work again. But I am not approaching these goals with the thought that I will fail and thus be worthless. These will just be marvelous excursions on my life journey.
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