March 13, 2006 - Angels in the night wait on me...

Maybe I should again start noting all my thoughts and emotions and breakthroughs and devastations. I will say that I've been living more in the moment lately, and that has mostly been a good thing for me. It's not that I don't engage in reflection, of course I do, I can't help it. However, I am acting more on what I think and desire and need, instead of just contemplating and complaining and dreaming.

I never know where to begin because there is always so much, so I think I'll begin with the "group problem" again. Although now I don't just think of it as a problem that hurts me, but a problem to solve. Problem-solving is much more fun than just thinking about how problems hurt me. I've been very spontaneous for the last year or so and I have discovered that I am naturally spontaneous. I need to be free of pressures and cages and expectations, because that's the only way I will grow. I need to have the freedom to be on the road to one place and swerve to take another road. That is very exciting to me. My days are as open as possible, and I'm much happier for it. I don't make plans so much as I make discoveries. So yesterday my brother was going to a gathering of Christians that I didn't know. I saw hours of mindless computer time ahead of me, so I just asked him if I could go too. I'm not saying it was easy because I hate asking for things, but deciding to go to the gathering was quite easy. And I resolved to be more communicative and sociable.

But all the resolve in the world did not overcome my natural inclinations. While I was frustrated, I was also able to somewhat detach myself and examine the situation. WHY do I have so much difficulty striking up conversations? Well, actually, I don't. I can say "Hello, What's Your Name, My Name Is, What do You Do, What Congregation Do You Go To, Did you Enjoy the Meeting Today" and all that jazz. But I am not really comfortable for a number of reasons. First of all, this is all meaningless to me. It's not that I can't learn anything from knowing what congregation someone goes to or if they're predictable enough to say "Yes, I enjoyed the meeting, It was very" whatever. But I can't get to know a person that way.

I really, REALLY wanted to just say "Hello, Who are you? I don't mean your name, although I'd love to know it. I don't mean what do you do for a living. But who are you? What kind of person are you? What do you love, desire, fear, need, value, enjoy, find annoying? How would you describe yourself?"

THAT'S what I want to know. But I just feel like I can't ask those questions, because I'm afraid it would make people uncomfortable. But if I give in and engage in small talk I come away from the experience with very little and I also don't think anyone remembers me either. So I feel trapped, and just don't start any conversations.

Another thing about groups is that there are rarely actual "group discussions". I was thinking that if there were real group discussions, I'd probably enjoy that very much once I was able to put my thoughts together enough to join in. No, what is really going on is that there are many discussions, involving 2 or 3 people at most. This is much more difficult for me, because it's like 10 private conversations going on all around you. This is why I feel even lonelier the more people there are. I cannot connect with anyone. I just can't jump into what feels like a private conversation to me. So I can seek out the other "loners" in the group, and there always are, if the group is large enough, as it was last night. But then the obligatory small talk begins, and I still don't feel a connection.

Now that I have done some detached analysis of myself, my reactions and the situations, perhaps I can work on fixing it. I have been very concerned about ever getting married, because I have never had a meaningful conversation with a brother outside of the internet and the telephone. I have walked up to brothers before and done the "Hello, My Name Is" small talk routine. But they always seemed quite bored with me, because even they know this isn't significant or meaningful. I used to believe that if I were just flashier and more magnetic a woman, then they would be attracted to me and pay attention to me without looking all around or looking bored.

But I am no longer interested in changing the way I look just to attract men. I HAVE been changing the way I look lately. I've been wearing jewelry and I completely reworked my wardrobe. I engaged in much....shopping! Yes I did! And it wasn't completely bad, because I planned beforehand what I was looking for. However, my look is changing because
I am changing on the inside. I am becoming more beautiful inside, and my outside is truly changing because I am caring more. Perhaps this is the magic mania of Spring but it's still nice. However, though my look has changed, there is still a big wall up when it comes to attracting brothers. Maybe and it is a big MAYBE they'll start noticing me if I become more "radiant" but I don't believe it. I walk down the street full of contentment and joy but I am still alone.

So maybe inner beauty isn't enough, and my nice outfits may not be enough either. That's okay, but I have to be able to talk to at least one, and maybe if he is the one, I don't have to be able to talk to any more. I am SO good at connecting with people in a relaxed, one-on-one situation when other people aren't around. It is so strange. I just become much more talkative, curious and open. The fear is gone because I become enthusiastic and talkative. Since I have forsaken any more attempts at meeting a brother over the internet, I have to do the real world thing, I just have to. But it is still something of a mystery. It's obviously not just men, I can't talk to women either, not in a group setting (like after the meeting or at a gathering). But women there are aplenty, and I am always able to eventually get them one-on-one. Brothers are a whole other thing, because the gender wall is already there.

I guess I'm relatively content, curious, open, enthusiastic, relaxed, depression-free, hopeful and beautiful right now. Having no one but my family to share myself with is not satisfactory, but I'm generally hopeful that this too will pass.
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