Diary Page 67
August 1, 2006 - Sad songs to make you cry....

I guess I can't give up now can I? That just wouldn't be right, I know that. Trying to put the focus back on sacred service. I've decided to join Toastmasters. Those two things may seem unrelated, but I have a lot of issues with field service and this might help. For one thing, I don't really like field service. I've had some wonderful moments, but I am extremely uncomfortable most of the time and find myself fervently hoping no one answers. I don't think I have ever asked for a donation. It's been a few years since I last went out in door to door, and there's little point in forcing myself to go now, because it will be another few years before I'd do it again. I don't want to just get the script out. I don't want to spend the whole time anxiously waiting for the hour to be up so I can leave. But how can I enjoy it if I can't speak clearly due to fear? I want so much to teach the Bible, I love the Bible, and it's not doing much, keeping all of the knowledge inside of me. Besides, I learn through teaching.

I just want to be comfortable talking to people, I know this can happen. I change my mind so often and I don't always keep commitments. I don't like being committed to anything, I like to have the option of changing my mind. But that can also lead to procrastination and months later wondering, "Whatever happened to that Toastmasters idea?" It's not that I don't have ideas. It's not that I don't ever feel motivated or excited. But it just doesn't last. Ah well, I'm not good at staying pessimistic either. I just have to have hope, I live on hope. I'm not going to talk myself out of this. I can't even promise that I won't though.

My problems are deeply entrenched. I know that, I feel that. And that's why I feel hopeless and upset so often. My future looks so bleak because all I have to go on is the past.

August 6, 2006 -
you don't know anything til you open up your heart and find that you can't stop bleeding...you're a daredevil, baby

I've been receiving some good advice and realizing some things. No more will I talk myself out of commitments and goals. If I want to do something, no matter what it is, I am writing it down. Any ideas, any dreams, if I desire it only briefly I am noting it. And then I am going to go for it. Go for everything. Why not? Right now I'm not going for anything at all. No wonder I'm so displeased with life as I am not really living it. So I will go to Toastmasters. And I will go to Ireland and to the state fair. If I decide not to do something, it will not be because others can't understand why I want to do it. I'm also not going to punish myself because of spiritual weakness anymore. I assume that I am spiritually weak, but I'm not getting stronger sitting around feeling bad about my badness. Perhaps if I allow myself to have goals and to be active, that will help me. It usually does. Everyone likes to focus on the fact that I'm not going to meetings or out in field service, but from my perspective, I'm not doing much of
anything. All of it is related as far as I am concerned. So, if I can just start doing anything, then other things will follow. That's the way it has worked in the past, I just haven't been able to maintain it because of bipolar.

I also think I'd have more energy if I was out of this house. There's a lot going on here that drains me. I feel exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally, in this house. I'm not getting along with my mother and it's been so bad I have felt like disconnecting from her completely. The stronger she gets, the less empathy she has for me, and she also has no appreciation for my efforts at being a loving daughter. I understand that she is actually in a fragile place, because she doesn't feel appreciated for her contributions and she doesn't feel respected by her family. Well I have my own issues, and I can't expend all of my emotional energy trying to deal with her anymore. Rather than stop completely, which I just can not and should not do, I think some distance would be great. I just have to save a bunch of money so I can move.

September 22, 2006 -
All my dreams pass before my eyes in curiosity...

I'm in Lake Tahoe, CA until November, staying with my mother as she seeks treatment at a medical clinic. I'm also taking a new medication. So right now I'm at peace and rather happy and open. I'm still a little hesitant, as I have felt this way before, but I'm only hesitant when I think about the long-term implications. As I just live in each day I feel fine. This is a supremely beautiful, peaceful place. I've been here 10 days or so and I haven't once stayed in the hotel room. I've gone out every day and done a lot of walking. I'd like to write some songs but I haven't felt properly inspired yet. But I would like to write in this environment.

I'd actually like to get into a romantic relationship soon (i.e. the next few years) and eventually marry. I'm really open to male companionship now but I'm not focusing on it. I guess in that regard I'm only focusing on becoming the kind of woman a brother would want to marry. Other than that, I'm mainly focusing on my goal of moving out and getting better.

September 30, 2006 -
There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them....

For a few years I've wanted to pray to Jehovah about one thing in particular but I've been afraid. Of course, He must have known that it was on my mind but I also wasn't committed to it, didn't have a lot of faith and I've just been generally unwilling to do anything about it. I felt that once I prayed and asked Jehovah for help, I'd have to follow through by allowing Him to help me with this, and I've been afraid. Of course, he's probably been working on me the whole time and only now have I reached a state where I may be ready to really work.
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