Diary Page Seventy-One
May 24, 2007 - My salvation lies in your love...

Two months ago I was feeling awesome and....I'm feeling even better, if that's at all possible. But I suppose it is. I recently remembered that the original purpose of this website was to keep track of my progress on reaching my goals. I guess it became a more general diary although I don't update it as often. In April I made a new list of goals, goals that matter more in the grand scheme of my life than the ones I had previously. I think I'll provide an update now.

I have instituted a Bible study program for myself, and I read the Bible every day. I study for all of my meetings, and I attend as many as I can. If I have questions I write them down so I can research them, rather than let the questions fade away in my memory as I used to. I make sure to participate in the meetings. Overall, my spiritual health is much, much improved.

I'm not taking any dance classes just yet. I do dance for exercise on occasion, but I could do with some more.

I've made some huge breakthroughs with regard to my anxiety around people and the shame I used to feel about my life and aspirations. Two days ago I communicated like I never have before. I went to the meeting and felt absolutely no anxiety. I talked to people about things that really mattered to me. I talked about my personality, my aspirations, my thoughts, my life. And I didn't feel the need to hide anything, nor was I afraid. I also had a wonderful conversation with my friend Ambrosia. It was the first time I spoke to her without holding anything back, not anything at all. I felt so free and like huge weights had been lifted. I can TALK to people. I want to keep pushing as much as I can.

My wardrobe is coming together nicely. It still amazes me just how much outer appearance can affect how you feel inside. Last Saturday I went to the circuit assembly, and I wore an outfit I had purchased and put together myself. I also had a hairstyle that I had chosen. This is all significant because in years past most of my clothes were purchased by my mother and I always let the hairdresser choose my hairstyles. I've made some efforts in prior years; but my fashion sense was uninspired and I just came to absolutely hate my hair. I wore a lot of hats. Well last Saturday, I can honestly say I looked and felt great. I've never received so many compliments and I didn't try to defer any of them because you know what? They were just telling me the truth. I have a bad habit of deferring compliments but that's rather ungrateful and self-deprecating, and I feel very grateful and appreciative right now.

I have also discovered what kind of instrument I want. I asked around, and when I read up on synthesizers, I felt my heart swell. That's what I want, a synthesizer. I have a plan in place for eventual purchase. I haven't started any vocal training as yet, but I have been paying a lot of attention to music.

The first big change I made was with regard to my health. There are a lot of different elements to "improving health", from improving nutrition to spiritual health to physical fitness to emotional health. On the advice of my life coach, I invented a health game that encapsulates all of these different elements into one cohesive, fun endeavor. I started the game in the beginning of April. It has completely changed my life. I love challenges and games and competing against myself. I've never felt so good, really I haven't. My body is not an enemy anymore. I've made healthy habits a daily part of my life.

I'm happy. Nay, I'm joyful.

September 21, 2007

Right now I think I'm going through one of those intermediate phases. I'm in-between, like I'm on the cusp of new ventures, new experiences, and yet learning from and recovering from what has come before. I'm not socializing much anymore, nor am I leaving the house. I've fallen off a lot of my good habits, yet I feel like I've learned much and come far, and my philosophy is permanently altered even if I haven't caught up behavior-wise. I've passed a precipice, I won't go back. I'm in a sort of limbo I suppose, yet I feel like I can just pick back up. Of course, every addict says the same ol' I can stop whenever I want nonsense. And I can't, not without Jehovah's help. For me, prayer is the most important thing.

What I'm missing is something to do. I have passion without aim. I want to fill my days with something but I don't know what. I want to live, but I'm not really living yet. I feel alive but unused. Sometimes it seems like things are simpler for other people. I've resolved to think less on what others are doing. But I feel like this has made me a bit more self-centered than I already was. I need to concentrate on what I must do, yet I also need to learn from others. I don't want to do what other people do, but I want the fulfillment that they seem to have. For example, the field ministry. If I'm looking for daily, worthwhile activity than surely that is it. But I feel very little motivation to participate, outside of the fantasies in my head. I haven't had much positive experience with it and I can't elevate it above the mundane, which is something I feel like I need to do to embark on any new quest. I know that sounds horrible, but it's the truth. If something hasn't worked for me before I won't do it again unless I can infuse it with some new, grander import. I'm also afraid that it will be like everything else, and it won't live up to my expectations. I'm so afraid to take the first step and just go out one Saturday because I'm so afraid the experience will fall flat.....and then what will I do? I keep having these desires to go to college or something similar and I need some way to escape from them or righteously fulfill them, and I haven't found a way. The Field Ministry is like some big THING, sometimes an obstacle, sometimes an unapproachable paradise of purpose. But it's not really real to me. The only way to make it real...to engage. The way to engage...it has to be real to me.
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