Diary Page 72
December 22, 2007 - I don't want to go out...I want to stay in

It's cold and unpleasant, outside and in. Really terrible things have happened with people I love. That's all I feel like saying about that, specifically. For me, personally, the struggle is to keep my head above water when everyone else is drowning, and pray that Jehovah will rescue who He wills, if He wills. I am such a jumble of unexpressed emotions, things I haven't even dealt with myself. There are days when I just start crying and can't stop, for no apparent reason.

For a long time I've dealt with bad situations by ignoring them and keeping to myself. I've just thought that "things will work out eventually, someway, somehow". I don't like thinking about how exactly to work things out, because it makes my brain hurt and I feel a lot of pressure. I hate feeling any kind of pressure, so I just ignore it. That's how I deal with stressful stuff, and now I realize that it affects me anyway. I really thought that I was just sending the pain away, somewhere. I suppose suppression doesn't actually work that way. Unfortunately, when I don't deal with it right away, it becomes difficult to identify the source of the subsequent depression/anger/hostility/numbness. So I just feel weighed down and tired all the time, and a little bit angry. I never noticed my hostility before, but it's certainly there. It comes out when I snap at people, when I can't smile, when I'm very cynical and bitter (this is the case more and more frequently), intolerant, mean to service people. I feel like this every other day. I know this is all part of depression, but I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to any "solutions" for depression.

That said, I still feel hopeful. The thing I've learned about depression and me: I always come out of it. Yes, I do tend to go back in and stay depressed longer than I stay undepressed, but now I feel like life is worth it, depressed or not. It's not like nothing positive or worthwhile happens just because I'm depressed. I hate the way I feel and I don't like the person that I am right now, but I know there's more to me, and there's much to learn from the person I am now, even if I don't like her. The most important thing is that I still believe Jehovah loves me.

Even though it gets very hard for me to pray when I'm depressed, when I do pray, I still feel peace and calm, and He answers my prayers, He really does. For example, one thing about me is that I miss far more meetings than I make. I maybe go to 3 meetings a month, on average. Physically and emotionally I am pretty weak. Spiritually too. When I've been missing meetings and I go back to one, the first one I usually can't keep focused and leave early (usually walk around or go sit in the car). Then I push and go to the next meeting, and usually I'm able to at least feel comfortable and pay some attention. But this month, I went to a second meeting, and I felt extremely bitter and rather hostile. We had a new circuit overseer and I didn't even want to greet him. I avoided eye contact with all people in a position of authority, and tried to avoid the friendly people as well. I had my reasons, bad reasons, but I felt hostile for a reason. However, I realized that it was really bad, wrong, unpleasant, just plain detrimental and unfair. I realized all that, but felt it anyway.

I had to pray to Jehovah several times, both before and during that meeting. The hostility lessened significantly, for no reason that I could fathom, certainly I didn't change my thought pattern. I just let it go as it went, and tried to pay attention even if I was mad, and prayed. This worked, as praying always does. Prayer is so powerful that I think that's one reason I avoid it, because I'm scared. But I'm also scared that Jehovah will get fed up with me one day. Still, that's one of those fears I just can't deal with, so I send it away to that place where I ignore things. That's the only good thing I can think of with regard to ignoring fears and stresses, it enables me to keep trying if the situation comes up again, provided I put myself in the situation.

Anyway, not much more to say. New things: started attending University of Phoenix. I guess I'm banking on being able to work after the 20 months it will take to get my degree. I feel like to most people it doesn't count as doing anything, since it's online. People think I don't do anything with my life, ever. I've already had that less than positive reaction from a few people. I get so tired of this sometimes. I'm so quiet because I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say to you because you won't value it anyway, unless it's all about you and what you care about. Nobody but me cares about what I really care about, so I'll keep it that way thanks. I feel like most people have little to offer me right now and I don't have it in me to offer anything to them. I'm tired and I don't care.

Whew. See that's the bitterness that I feel a lot of right now.

March 10, 2008 -
you don't need to bury me I've buried myself

I don't feel hostile anymore but I do feel rather empty. I keep thinking that my life still hasn't really begun and now I'm feeling time press down on me. If by now I can't feel that life has started then I'm afraid I never will. What's that thing Dr. Phil says? "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." I really think it's always going to be this way. I think I'm a weak person when you get down to it. But there are plenty of things I used to think I was that I overcame. I used to think I was a fearful person at heart, and now I see I can be courageous. I used to think I was a contentious person but I'm not anymore. I used to think I was a person without hope, and now I know that I am really a hopeful person. So there is hope that one day I will realize my strength.

I was watching a television program about a woman who had a lot of serious medical problems, but she was raised on a farm as one of 10 children and therefore she was strong and didn't let anything hold her back. I wondered if my parents were too easy with me, or too caught up in their own problems. People should have been harder on me. I feel like I was a shadow as a child and a scarily repressed teenager. Being in the shadows is all I have known. I'm comfortable there, it's my home.
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