Diary Page Eighty-Seven
June 17, 2012

Some things have changed. I have hope that things can change for the better, and I have faith that Jehovah looks out for his sheep and that I am one of his sheep. That hope and that faith have been a major change brought about with the help of therapy. I decided to take what extra money I have and find a therapist who works with people like me and in so doing I found a treatment that I think works. No, I know it works. But I don't want to write about that, I want to write about the next step. After reading
this blog post I decided I need to start working towards a big spiritual goal: becoming a full time Bible educator, or a pioneer. No more eschewing the concrete in favor of abstract potential.

In the meantime, the following things are changing now: I'm moving out. I'm starting grad school. But I need to do something I can be really proud of and I think pioneering is that thing. I want to be a better person. Yes I have a long way to go to reach that goal but I don't mind so much because I know things can change. I'm not worried about that goal just slipping away and I don't have to grasp desperately for my goal. It will be there and I can get there.

Actually, I'm really making this entry so I could have somewhere to note these minimum goals:*** km 4/92 p. 4 par. 7 Keep Spiritually Strong, Stay Clean for Jehovah’s Service ***
As a minimum goal, all of us should 1.read and consider the daily text, 2.keep up with the Bible reading program set out in the Theocratic Ministry School Schedule, and 3.prepare for the Congregation Book Study and 4.Watchtower Study.

Well, one down as I have been keeping up with the text for a while now, so three more to go to do the minimum. The great thing about spiritual goals is working towards them and achieving them opens up avenues to do more good things. They are means as well as ends.

Something feels inauthentic about this entry but maybe that's because it's not driven by turbulent emotion which is what I'm comfortable with. I'll see what happens.

August 2, 2013

So I forgot I even made those particular goals but I have reached them. I study for my meetings, read the Bible every day and read the text. I also go to the meetings. My goal for this month is to go out in the ministry every week which is something I haven't done since 2002 I think (I'm sure I could read this humongous diary and know). Just noting that because I need constant reminders that I
am capable and I can get things done.

What a lot of getting done since I moved into my own place! It's one thing I can say I don't regret at all. It's hard for me to say there is anything in my life I don't regret but moving has been 100% good. Not easy and the year has had a lot of turbulence, but definitely a good thing. Boy I'm afraid to say that but it's true. Maybe I moved out just in time since my parents just about fell apart soon after. I'm going to assume it wasn't my fault and it's best I wasn't there for the fallout.

I find myself confronted with the need to become something. And I almost desperately want to get married. I was warned about this but being warned didn't help. I have a year of grad school left and then I am permanently closing the chapter on school. I really, really like learning and doing research. I like sharing the things I've learned with other people. I like novelty. I like reading research articles. I love taking notes. If I didn't have the computer for note-taking my home would be covered in post-its. I know all of these things I love can be put to better use in spiritual pursuits and I'm excited to do that but I can't figure out how. I still need to figure out my own way of doing things and then of couse eventually "discover" the best way which is what everyone else was already doing.

Case in point: food habits and exercise. I really enjoy working out and I can feel that I've gotten stronger and built up my endurance considerably. I've completely changed the types of food I eat. I've lost a lot of weight and will soon cross a threshold where I will be a lower weight than I've ever been (since I started caring). I don't know what that will be like. I'm a little worried about it but it's happening. I'm not sure thinness can be prepared for if you've never been thin. I don't know. But I love the way I feel even if I'm ambivalent about the way I look.

I went through some stuff this year. It wasn't all my stuff; it was mostly getting caught up in my parents' stuff. I'm sure I have plenty more of my own stuff coming. But today, right now, this moment: I'm good.
Still going strong...Diary Page 88