Diary Page Eighty-Eight
October 21, 2013

I am happy and joyful and my personality is changing for the better. I learned something about taking on the new personality and what it basically means, which is that as we seek first Jehovah's righteousness and in the process you become a better person.

The things in my mind over the years:

1. I can't put on the new personality because who I am is stuck and I can't be anyone else.

What I've learned: I don't have to be a completely different person but a better version of myself. Jehovah made us to have all kinds of different tastes and mannerisms and preferences, but we can all be better versions of ourselves if we put his will first.

2. Joy is unattainable for me because I'm always depressed most of the year, with only a few good, predictable periods (namely, Spring).

What I've learned: If I can be down for long periods of time there is no reason that I can't be up. I've had therapy, I've worked hard, I've made changes and I feel grateful, happy and blessed. This is how I feel and it is just as much a part of who I am as the periods of depression. Depression isn't my personality.

3. I am different from everyone else and I am too quiet and unable to relate. I will always take in and not be able to give out, this is who I am. I am self-focused and turned inward and this is who I am.

What I've learned: That's part of me. But I also have a lot to say and I love sharing encouraging, upbuilding things with people. I love all kinds of people. I am approachable, I am warm and I am not judgmental. I talk to so many people now.

4. When I am happy I should keep it to myself so I don't make someone who is unhappy feel bad about themselves. When someone is down I should be down with them, as empathy.

What I've learned: Many times people appreciate a truly joyful spirit. I don't have to hide it. It doesn't keep me from listening to people or relating to them. It helps me to have more faith in people because joy and love go together.

5. My life has not been good and it's too late to make a good life.

What I've learned: I have had a good life. I have known Jehovah all my life. I have been loved fiercely. I have love within me. I have not wasted my life at all because every bit of it is part of who I am. There was good in my life even in the many down times; the good helped me survive. I am happy to be alive now however I made it. If I die tomorrow I know I still have a future.

I've spent a lot of time learning and getting good at it. I am now learning how to teach and how to share what I learn in a way that can really benefit others. I am working toward my goal of becoming a regular pioneer and I am right on my schedule for September 2014.

November 7, 2013

As if I didn't know the sound of my own bed...

I don't think I'm desperately lonely and that's good. I feel busy and productive and like I am moving in a good direction. I have short-term goals and long-term goals and I'm juggling and keeping all my balls in the air. I rest. I think I do fun things? Yes, I do fun things. I went to the movies this week and last week. I went shopping and not by myself but with a newish friend. I get joyful and energized and I have something to be grateful for every day. I thought these things would be enough? I don't know why they're not. Well, they are enough in the sense that I want the life I am living. I just want something else more than I want to focus on what I have.

Not being loved by a man, what does it mean. For a long time it meant I was deficient. It meant there was no point to being social because the one thing I wanted most I couldn't have. I don't feel that way anymore. I want a lot of things and many of them I can have and am having. I wouldn't give them up for love.

Never being loved by a man. It also used to mean I was ugly or invisible. I don't know which was worse. I'm not invisible, definitely not. I smile at being visible. I'm not ugly either, I'm just my face, my body, my hair. I don't know if they're ugly because they aren't to me and I can't gauge ugly any other way.

Never being liked by a man who saw me in person. Now this bothers me a whole lot. Most of the relationships I see have love but so many other problems I don't want. Love would be nice. It would be something. But I'd like to be liked, really. I'd like to be seen. I don't exactly know why I'm not seen but when I try to figure it out I assume it's because I'm making myself invisible somehow. The efforts I make to be visible aren't enough to cross that barrier. But other girls are noticing me, children are even noticing me, and I'm making friends and finding loves I never considered. Right now I am feeling perplexed but I have joy more often than not. Being confused is okay.
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