Diary Page Eighty-Nine
November 11, 2013

I've lost a large amount of weight in the past year or so. I don't want to lose anymore weight. I'm still officially overweight. I'm not against losing more weight. It's just...I really like my body a lot. I like dancing with it and jumping on the trampoline with it and running with it and all that stuff. I feel guilty for liking my body and not wanting to lose more weight. I'm not supposed to like it. But I do like it. It makes me smile. I appreciate what it can do. I like working out and getting stronger and building up endurance. This just impresses me further with what my body can do but I still don't hate it when I'm sick and can't do those things. I appreciate my body as a gift from Jehovah, it's lovely even imperfect.

I'm tucking this here where nobody can see. I don't understand why I like my body when I used to hate it and when so many other people still hate theirs. Man, I'm not sure I even really hated my body. I had a poor self-image but I don't remember really disliking my body at all. I just didn't think about it much. I can't figure out why I love it so much now, I mean, I could give reasons but it still feels wrong somehow. Anyway, ode to my body.

November 19, 2013

It's apparently important to me to be productive. I'm trying to figure out what it means and if I am productive or not. What is it I want to produce? A meaningful life, that's all I can come up with. Okay, different angle. What makes me feel productive, whatever that means? Time spent in a healthy, progressive manner. The more time spent doing either healthy or goal-progressive behaviors, the more productive I feel. These behaviors include: the field ministry, grocery shopping, chores in my apartment, working out, cooking a meal, Bible study, grad school homework, etc. So there are a lot of different activities. But the problem is I do healthy and progressive things every day yet I still definitely feel unproductive sometimes. So that makes me think there might be something irrational here; something is not making sense.

What makes me feel unproductive? Three things:
1. When I have something significant I want to do and I don't do it. It doesn't seem to matter how much else I got done but maybe it should.

2. Measuring how much time I spend doing healthy or progressive things versus reading stuff on the internet or whatever. No matter how much I get done in a day, if I compare the time spent "productively" on the time spent recreationally, the latter always comes out ahead. Today I would say I spent about 7 hours productively and that's a lot for me. So far I've already equalled that in unproductive time and I probably won't be asleep for another couple hours. I feel like productive time should outweigh unproductive time. It doesn't make me feel like I didn't get anything accomplished but it does put a damper on my accomplishments because I feel like I still have so far to go. I have no idea how other people spend their time, but those who work a full-time job already have 8-10 productive hours right there that they can count. So I'm behind, which leads to why I feel unproductive point number 3..

3. I feel like I have to catch up to all the people who didn't waste years depressed or sitting at home. I'm actually pretty happy nowadays and I know many other people are not happy at all. But should I be happy? Am I settling for too little? How would I know?

January 3, 2020

I'm 38. I forget often and have to mentally calculate my age but I'm 38. Everyone has been doing retrospectives of their past year and decade and just as I forget my age, I also forget most of the last 10 years. I did not get married. I have no children. I did not become a pioneer or make any real, noticable spiritual advancements. I think my life is very boring? But it doesn't feel boring to me, day to day. Just like it's missing something when I think about it too much, which is often.

I sang a lot of songs, I know that. I wrote some but not as many as the previous decade. I moved out on my own and have lived in my apartment for seven years or so. I got some pets. I worked briefly but intensely. I had to relearn HTML to update this website.
Home Page