Observations Along the Way...
A beautifully grey August 16, 2005...

The Name of the Road Is Self Discovery

I am very quiet, leisurely, perceptive, introspective. I can be proud. I do not like to impose obligations on others. I strongly believe in the "Golden Rule", and can be quite critical of myself when I am not living up to it. I am becoming more sure as to who I am and what I value, but I still don't know just what I am. Some kind of human. Some kind of Christian. Some kind of woman. I feel like I am a part of humanity, but not so much a part of it that I can't observe it and understand it. I cannot seem to stop seeking out more information to complete the picture of myself. Every time I think I am satisfied, some new color is introduced, and I have to analyze it and make everything harmonious again. I am highly adaptable emotionally. Sometimes so much so that I can lose myself, and that's when I get irritated. It also makes it difficult for me to figure out just what I am all about. Whatever someone thinks of me, that is automatically true for me. I am very empathetic, and strongly feel the emotions of others. Pain and disharmony bother me a great deal. It is often more important to me that a person feel at peace with themselves and their direction in life, than that they accomplish things.

I can be quite practical and sensible. I am my greatest critic, and I don't take criticism from others well. I often do not believe that they see a flaw that I haven't already seen. I am open to different points of view, including about me, but I have a hard time with criticism. Sometimes I hold up my own experiences as authoritative. There are certain things that I just
know. I trust my intuition and my intellect. I trust the Bible most of all, but I have yet to encounter anything in the Bible that doesn't resonate inside me on a personal level. I can make anything fit, I can make anything harmonize. Which is one reason why I can take criticism so personally.

I seek meaning in everything. If it has no personal meaning to me (for example, clothes), then I view it as personally irrelevant, and I don't care to see it, although I usually can't help but to notice it. However, I am becoming more skilled in finding meaning in everything. To use the previous example, clothes can make people feel at ease, or indicate mood. Clothing is a tool to better interact with others. If I want to be left alone, I choose non-descript, crummy clothes, and I walk with my head down.

I most want to figure out how to connect with other people. When I feel a connection, I never want to let it go. But it is rare that I feel this rapport that I seek. It has taken me a long time, but I am starting to figure out "small talk". However, it is not satisfying for me on a deep level. I like to compliment people and comment on how special an individual is. This can win me friends. I also listen very well. I ask people questions concerning their interests. But I want to know hopes and dreams, fears and ideas, what resonates with people, what turns them off. I want to explore people, and I want to be explored by others. But I can't seem to find a way to do this with most people.

People often don't know me, because I adapt to my company. One person may have one opinion of me, and another person may think something completely different. Since I haven't really known myself ever, others don't know me either. I show the face I think will be most accepted that is still me. Even in my diary, my perspectives and insights shift constantly. But I am gradually finding an anchor in who I really am. I am probably not the same as what people from my past may remember. There are a few constants, but they're usually hidden, for fear of rejection.

My favorite question to ask myself is "Why?". Man, would I love to explore that with other people. I'd like to know other people who are interested in the "why" and not just the "what" or the "how". I seek meaning and harmony and can usually find it. I try to figure out why people are the way they are, and then I meet them where-ever they are in life. I don't try to change people, I try to understand them, and adapt myself to meet their needs. This isn't always easy, but I want to do it, and I think I do it more than most people. I am very good with people, but I need lots and lots of time to myself. I am also definitely not an initiator of communication, although I will respond with depth and feeling.
People usually feel at ease around me and they tell me private concerns. In an attempt to empathize, I will often reveal very private things about myself. I just don't want other people to feel they are crazy or wrong in their being. Everything and anything can make sense, if we explore it and think about it, with a nonjudgemental eye. And I feel like I am linked to other people, and find in myself the traits I see in others. But if someone does not need it, I will usually keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, again for fear of rejection.

What I want most is to be understood. People do not have to agree with me, and I don't expect agreement. In fact, I can usually understand the other person's point of view. But I just don't want to feel like I am not a part of humanity, like I am crazy or wrong. Because deep down, I know that I am not. But I don't know why people treat me as if I am, when I am being real.
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